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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to think about this (money related)?

172 replies

Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:06

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:34

If my husband was ‘controlling with money’, I’d lie too. Yuck. If you’re controlling you need to sort that out. It’s horrible and any man admitting that on here would be in for a right battle. Rightly so.

SouthWestmom · 10/12/2017 17:34

I think it's the controlling ness of you that's probably why he's being secretive. Plus he's paid the debt off etc.

But then dh and I are totally transparent about joint finances, salaries, day to day stuff. But, extra monies are ours, we say what they are and don't hide them but eg I've just inherited 8k and if dh spent it for me on paper I'd be super annoyed.

abbsisspartacus · 10/12/2017 17:34

Ask him for a bit extra to cover christmas

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 17:34

Well, you know he's lied to you.
He said £20K then £25K.
Be lied to on that scale would utterly rock my marriage.

Your FIL has given you an amazing gift, and yet £4K at least has gone on paying off debts. Probably more - you mentioned an overdraft.

I don't like that his first reaction to a windfall is to book a holiday and buy a new car. Perhaps that's why he was in debt and bailed out by his dad in the first place.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/12/2017 17:34

I guess I can just sort of see why your DH is wanting to hang onto some if so much has been “spent” already

ilovegin112 · 10/12/2017 17:35

How do you know his debt wasn’t larger, I must admit if my parents had given me money I would keep some for myself

SukiTheDog · 10/12/2017 17:35

Doesn’t sound like a partnership, to me. Yanbu.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:37

Hold on, probably controlling is the wrong word. Dh and I earn approximately the same. We put the majority of our salaries in a joint account and I oversee it. I budget for absolutely everything. We have a nice life but there isn't a huge amount of fritter room. He has his own money to spend but has an overdraft as I've said. When I say I'm controlling I mean I get irritated when he spends lots in waitrose on one days shopping when I've budgeted for a weeks shopping in lidl!

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:37

I got 25k inheritance and I’ve chosen to spend it on a house deposit. If my husband were controlling I’d have lied told him it was less and at least have something of my own. Controlling money is awful.

RedSkyAtNight · 10/12/2017 17:37

It sounds like you have an arrangement with separate accounts in which case money given to him is his money.

And that he hasn't told you how much because he knows you'll take control and try to spend it on what you want!

ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:38

That’s still controlling. It would really make me feel bad to be told of about how
Much I spend on a food shop. It’s depressing.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:38

We both agreed on the holiday. We haven't had one for five years.

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:38

It’s nasty.

HundredMilesAnHour · 10/12/2017 17:38

You seem fixated on this money. Is that you being controlling? It would annoy the hell out of me. Your DH told you he was being given money as a gift, he's spent a lot of it already on things that benefit the family (holiday, car, etc), how about leaving the guy in peace for a while and stop obsessing about it? Maybe he wants time to think about what to do with the rest, maybe he has more debts than you're aware of, maybe he's planning to surprise you, maybe he just wants some money of his own given how controlling you seem to be, who knows? Give the guy a break.

DonutCone · 10/12/2017 17:38

Maybe the fact you'd 'wring every penny' out of it made him lie. I'd probably lie if I knew that money given to me would be entirely controlled by my husband.

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 17:39

If my husband got given £25K I would see that as his, not mine.
But I'd expect him to spend it on his 3 kids, not hide it away secretively for himself.

I don't think the OP is controlling. I think she's sensible with money and people are jumping on it because she used the word controlling and it's an emotive word.

I cannot imagine being married to someone, having 3 kids, and having them lie to me about money.

NotMyMonkees · 10/12/2017 17:40

If I was given money by my parents and dh wanted us to sit together planning how every penny was spent to ensure he was happy with what it was being spent on I think I'd be a but evasive too. Sometimes it's just nice to feel you have a bit of financial freedom.

ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:40

DonutCone exactly that.

I’d be reassessing my behaviour OP imo.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:40

That’s still controlling. It would really make me feel bad to be told of about how
Much I spend on a food shop. It’s depressing

LOL! Yes living on a budget is a bit depressing, but surely blowing the budget on food is why people get into debt! Of course he needs to spend within our means

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 17:41

But you’re not his mother!! There are ways of discussing and the language you use implies control and that’s unpleasant.

PasstheStarmix · 10/12/2017 17:41

I spend everything on my son and so does dh. I couldn't imagine getting all that money and not doing so. Me and dh get what's left over if anything but we enjoy spending on our son more than ourselves.

User02 · 10/12/2017 17:42

Do you visit FIL? If you do could you get him while DH is out the room and say "it was so generous of you to give DH £25K" and see what FIL says.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:42

Thanks ellissandra. I shouldn't have said controlling although I think he feels, like, pps, that it's depressing having a budget.

It's more depressing having no money - which he's never had to deal with as his dad bails him out!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 17:42

FFS, it is not controlling to be annoyed if your husband pisses money up the wall in Waitrose when as a family you have agreed to the OP doing the budget and that budget is Lidl!

They have enough money, yet he's got an overdraft going...

Sounds like he's shit with money AND a liar.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:43

Having a family food budget is the norm for most families concise

OP posts:
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