To not know what to think about this (money related)?

[Covefe]

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

Do you visit FIL? If you do could you get him while DH is out the room and say "it was so generous of you to give DH £25K" and see what FIL says.

Now this WOULD be controlling. Checking up on him?? Seriously??!! It's HIS money ffs!

I agree Covefe as we add up what we spend on a food shop and I think most have to in the current economical climate. Must be nic to just saunter around in a fantasy world buying what you please mustn't it!?! Me and dh have to account for every penny so I completely see where you're coming from.

He IS shit with money! I am terrified that he's going to spend it in something that he convinces himself that he needs like a ride on mower!! He was googling them!!

Definitely have a word with your dh and explain how you feel and voice your concerns. Hopefully he'll listen and be honest with you...

Yes I will talk to him about it. We both have really different attitudes to money. We had very little when I was growing up and he had a lot.

FIL has spoken to me about the money, saying I expect things are a bit easier now. I can't say we'll yes thank you but how much actually was it??

Am I the only one wondering if it wasn't more than £25k?
I would see it as his money, to spend as he seems fit (I know my DH would spend it on us too) and if you're usually directing the family's finances then perhaps he has secreted some away for himself.
I would expect him to be honest about the total amount too.
When I once had a sum of money I paid a chunk of the mortgage off and bought the first new kitchen in 35 years of marriage.

P.s. We've never had money so have been used to scrimping and saving.

Maybe that's why he's lied

Stop 🛑

Don’t make excuses for him luring and blame yourself

If your dh doesn’t have a back bone then that’s his problem

But his actions are telling about what you thought was a partnership in one way and he sees as another way..

It’s up to you how you handle this and move forward

TBH I would wonder what and how we do split money etc

Best to sit down and have it out in the open is my way

But you have to decide how you want this to move forward

So his overdraft is his but his cash windfall is joint?

Double standards

Let him have a ride on mower it’s not like he is keeping the full £25k for himself

If my husband was given 25K I'd see it as OURS -- not his and not mine but joint.
We agree that all substantial sums coming to either of us, inheritances, gifts windfalls, bonuses , whatever, are joint funds belonging to the marriage. We are open about our individual spending and agree on how large sums are spent or saved. (we have both separate and joint savings accounts and investments. )
OP had her DH might not have quite the same arrangement but they do generally run shared finances, if most of their salaries go into a joint account. For one partner to be secretive and hide money is those circumstances is concerning.
As is not offering to treat the family to pizza, FFS!

if dh got a large lump sum, I’d expect honest reporting and a discussion - surely the amount you don’t need goes to the mortgage or pension?

Is his dad likely to repeat the gift and does he know that a large amount is being spent on day to day overspending?

It would naff me off to be constantly checked in, otoh, if your dh is overspending all over the place then I can see why you do it, and when he’s spent FiL’s money he’ll start running up debt again presumably...

Finance and sex are at the demise of many a good relationship

I disagree. I think it’s HIS inheritance but should be treated as a shared windfall, as you’re a partnership. Just me.

I don’t get how op can criticise her DP for not buying takeaway pizza for the family and for overspending in Waitrose on the same thread. Takeaway pizza is the most ludicrous waste of money ever

I'd assume your DH has more debt than you think.

Why don't you just ask him? If you can't ask a simple question and get a simple answer then you have bigger issues TBH.

Shouldn’t really be about who’s money it is, I’d expect my dh to make reasonably sensible decisions and he’d expect the same as we’re in it together, no?

If I've read your posts correctly, he has an overdraft and a loan because he's shit with money. Those weren't needed for normal day to day living costs, which are all paid for put of your joint account without any debt being incurred. I would assume that he has other debts he has kept secret from you. Where does he spunk this away to?

I think he is making relatively sensible decisions. That's why I feel weird about it. I'm not sure why it's bothering me. I'm a bit jealous that he's got parents who do this. Also we've had a really tough couple of years financially. I was very ill a few years ago. Fine now.

You actually should tell fil that no things aren't easier and you haven't seen a penny of the money and you don't even know how much it is.
I don't think your controlling I think your careful but he probably sees you as a kill joy.

It sounds like he wants a bit of financial freedom. I would absolutely hate to have a partner who is in charge of the joint account and who makes all decisions about money - yes, that it totally controlling. OP, you seem to want what you want and to hell with him. For example, you are happy spending £5,000 on a holiday (five grand on ONE holiday!!!) but want him to shop in Lidl rather than Waitrose. Personally, I'd rather shop at Waitrose all year round and go on a caravan holiday. That's just personal choice. Maybe your husband would rather do the same, or would rather have a ride-on mower than buy you a brand new car?? I don't see why everything has to go your way.

Personally, I'd rather shop at Waitrose all year round and go on a caravan holiday

Neither dh or I would like that!

He didn't buy me a brand new car. He bought a second hand car for our family to replace our old bangers. Not sure where you got that from.

*banger (singular!)

And I'm a good cook so Lidl is great! Dh has no issues about me running the joint account. But I do get pissed off if he spends too much on it.

I'd assume your DH has more debt than you think

Maybe this.