To not know what to think about this (money related)?

[Covefe]

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

I reckon if OP was a woman who had been give a gift of £25k and her DH was trying to decide what to do with it she would be told that he's a controlling pig and to LTB. Some would probably suggest to keep some back in secret in case she ever wanted to LTB anyway...

I think you are getting a hard time here too op.

Maybe you could say you're going to send a thank you card to FIL for 20k and see what DH says.

A holiday is totally essential

Especially on someone elses dime.

Explains why you need to be bailed out, as adults, by someone else

They were given that money specifically to help them out of debt and for a car and a holiday. Even if, and it's a big if, the OPs husband wanted to keep some of it, should he not have said something about it?

People talking about the situation would be different if a woman would have been given the money are overlooking how historically women have been at a financial disadvantage. This isn't the same thing at all

Some odd responses on here Op. I dont think you sound controlling, just sensible.

We have substantial savings, partly via windfalls but also because we still shop in Aldi, Asda & poundshops despite having a decent disposable income. I do occasionally buy in a local Waitrose, but its generally for something specific or if I am close by and just need a few bits. But then both DH and I have a similar attitude to you to money, we would see a full Waitrose shop as wasting money.

We had some windfalls in 2016, the majority being 'mine' (inheritance and a work share windfall) - all has gone into joint savings, being drip fed equally into ISAs, some used for a newer car for me, some for a big family holiday (and 5k is nothing - ours was more, with a 3rd adult and a teen). The rest is sat as a nest egg for possible future projects eg maybe a campervan, or for kids, and generally to ensure day to day life is easy.

I do not see the money as mine in any way. It is family money. If DH wants to buy something large with it, no problem, although I would expect us to discuss it. Similar with me. I did spend more on my car than originally planned, but I wanted a certain spec, and we agreed that spec, and physically bought it together.

If DH eventually gets an inheritence (no guarantees we know) and decides to secretly squirrel a lot away in his own name, I would be well pissed off, and would be questioning our 20+ yr relationship. There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, as long as the money also works for the family.

We too have a child at uni and a younger one, I am guessing you may eventually have 3 go to uni, which in itself is expensive!

Why not try and have a sit down with him, on the pretext of whether you should pay some of the mortgage off? Would he discuss that? We have been mortgage free for a while and it is a lovely feeling.

Another poster made a good point about the Waitrose comment. You get pissed off if he spends money in Waitrose but happy to take DCs out for a take away pizza because they demanded it?

I think it's the lack of transparency that is the issue. I've just got a similar windfall (inheritance). I immediately told my husband how much it was. I do think I get the ultimate say as to how it is used, but we would discuss it. I suggested that if we manage to move as we would like to in the next few months, I will use it for that. If we don't move, I will pay it into my pension as I haven't paid in anything since I changed jobs three years ago and lost a workplace pension.

I'd be interested to see a thread on here from a woman who received a windfall from her parents but wanted to decide how to spend it rather than be dictated to by her husband. I suspect a huge piley-on telling her how it's her money and she can do what she wants with it, and she should LTB for being so controlling.

OP I get where you come from but...it all sounds pretty joyless to me. Wrung every penny out?? How? You do sound controlling..you may have reason to be but have a frank and open discussion with him.Is there something he wants that you'd ' never let him have? Could that be why he wants a secret stash. Sounds like you are poles apart in your attitudes to cash and need to meet in the middle.

Could you just say you would like to have a chat about the money. If you do a joint budget you must occasionally have conversations where you decide what you will do with money.

Squareasquare - Explains why you need to be bailed out, as adults, by someone else

Oh for goodness sake - Op has explained why they got a loan (she was very ill for a year). From what I can gather, the rest of the debts are her husbands overdraft.

I actually agree that a holiday can be seen as an essential, given that they haven't had one for a while and she has been very ill. Their kids are teens, with one at uni, the days of family holidays are already numbered and why shouldn't they use some of the windfalll on a decent holiday.

As per my last post, we used some of my inheritance on a big holiday. Yes it could be seen as a waste of a large chunk of money despite us still having plenty left, but it can also be seen for what it was, making memories as a family. We went to USA, we had a helicopter ride over Grand canyon as well as doing other amazing things, we chat about it as a family now and will do I am sure for a long time to come. It was worth every penny.

I can see both sides.

He has lied to you and that is not only upsetting but worrying you too.
You dont know why he has lied as you see no reason why he should so assume its something bad.

For him you check the bank daily.
You are unimpressed when he over spends on the shop. Budgetting is very important to you and probably without realising it I would guess you may go on a bit about it.
This kind of behaviour can be very wearing and make you feel like you not only have no control but your input in to family finances is shot down/critized/not required.

Are you really sure you are not controlling with money?
I dont mean in an abusive way.
Just in a constantly checking, telling him what he can/cannot spend way.

Maybe start sharing the responsibility of managing the budget. That way he can see how fine the line is and he feels like he has some input instead of it all being you.

In regards to the windfall just be honest and ask him out right.

Ofc if you get a big chunk of money and house, vehicles and debt are sorted you will book a holiday show me someone who wouldn't. 5k isn't a huge amount to spend on a nice get away for 5.

I can see why he has kept it too himself your posts talk of wanting to know how much so you can plan for it. You would like to make every penny work. You are worried he will spend it on the wrong things.

I think that is why he has hidden it from you he wants to have a bit to play with that isn't going to be taken from and planned out with the family in mind.

He has just been given 25k so I imagine after sorting the family out which he has done with the car holiday and debt he wants to treat himself or even just feel relaxed and that if he wants something he can get it without being on such a tight budget for a while.

I wouldn't be happy with the lies but i think i would have done the same in his position.

There has been a lot of speculation that the H will have more hidden debt and/or want to keep £8,000 for himself. This may well be true, on the other hand he could also be using it to treat them at Christmas, keep as a rainy day fund, use for personal interests or a bit of everything. Until the OP asks we will never know.

We do know that the OP spenr 1/3 of her winnings/windfall on fun things for the family; the H has spent 68% of his money on family essentials.
The OP berates the husband for shopping in Waitrose but sees a £5k holiday for 5 as an absolute must. We're going on holiday next year, all inclusive, middle of July (Scottish so peak flying season) for just over £6k for 6 adults and 2 children. I've been abroad for £900 for a 5* all inclusive in June for two weeks. My parents regularly paid between £2k and £2.5k for 4 adults abroad, all inclusive. Let's not pretend that this 'essential' holiday is not a luxury, particularly when you could get quite a few others holidays and breaks for the same price.
OP moans about a Waitrose shop but is happy for H to spend money on takeaway pizza.

That sounds incredibly controlling, whether the OP intends it to be or not.
My OH is in for a bonus this Christmas, not a lot but it would help us out substantially. I have no say over that money as long as he makes sure his part of the bills are covered, as it is his money.

As another poster pointed out, if a woman came on and said she had recieved £25k and used it as the H had here but her H wanted every penny accounted for; set her a weekly budget; berated her for where she shopped and how much; checked the bank daily and so on, others would accuse him of financial abuse and control.

Honestly some of you have spectacularly missed the point. Thanks to all those who gave good advice. We are going to have a chat about it tonight, I'll report back if anyone is interested.

I think you’re deliberately missing my point op, because I assume you don’t like my point. Very obviously I am not saying there is something wrong with wringing every penny out of 25k, what an absurd stretch to write such a thing, I’m saying it’s not your sole and ultimate responsibility to do so in this scenario.

When people lie then you need to understand why, look behind the lie and try to understand what’s driving them. You are unwilling to do this, because it may show something remiss in your own financially controlling behaviour. Of course he should never have lied, but what did he?

You talk about your husband like some incompetent idiot that should do as he is told, that should be given pocket money and any and all money coming in should be your ultimat decision on how to spend. Yes you will discuss it but ultimately it’s your call. And this is why I think your husband now prefers to lie to you.

I understand fully you are doing it for th benefit of the family, but no one likes to be treated or spoken about as you yourself speak about your spouse and his apparent, in your eyes, incompetence with money.

I’d bet good money this isn’t the first financial lie he has told you.

I know when I get inheritance or money from family DH is aware of it and we plan together how to spend it. Likewise when he got an inheritance.

Fair enough to fritter away a few hundred but to spend thousands of gawd knows what whilst FiL thinks he’s helping the family is wrong.

I’d bet good money this isn’t the first financial lie he has told you

Why would you even think something so nasty?

If he's managed to keep money hidden from me in the past then he's bloody good at it. I'm a trained bookkeeper! We've managed to run a business, bring up 3 kids successfully so far and pay off most of our mortgage AND have pensions. If he wants 1k to fritter then he can, but I want to know where the rest is going!

If he wants 1k to fritter then he can, but I want to know where the rest is going

In the nicest possible way, this is why you sound controlling.
You don't get ultimate say on how much he gets to keep, particularly when the money was only ear marked for certain things. If FIL gave too much it is not then up to you to decide what it is spent on or how much your H keeps from his parents money.
He has used the money for what it was intended.

Bold fail.

Why would you even think something so nasty?

Well something to do with the fact you’re posting because you think your husband has lied to you about eight grand and also say in the thread you suspect he has a bigger overdraft or debts he hasn’t told you about.

Cmon now. You can start at threat about your husband lying to you, explain you think he’s lied before and then complain if someone’s says I agree.

WTAF.

I'm quite surprised that people here think this is 'his' money. Or that 8k of it is for him to squirrel away.

At the very least it's something to have an honest conversation about. And remind him that this is what happened when the boot was on the other foot.

If the outcome is that he's not sharing/telling you how much was there, at least you know where you stand in future.

Bluntness - spot on.

OP, I think you're only finding fault with Bluntness because you don't like what you're hearing.

It sounds like both you and your husband have financial problems with your attitudes. It doesn't have to be either or.

I can't disagree that you need a holiday, I'd be a hypocrite to say so. But you have stated unequivocally that you need a 5k two week villa with pool holiday.

Nope. You want it. It's fine to want it, and you can currently afford it, but don't pretend that's your only option for a two week break other than a caravan.

So if you've defined something as a want, not need, then maybe your husband has a want that he just knows you won't accept, and that's why he's lied. It's not a healthy situation, but I'd be willing to be you're both at least partially responsible.