To not know what to think about this (money related)?

[Covefe]

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

He obviously considers it his money as it was given to him by his family. That's not unreasonable.

If I gave money to my child I'd expect it to be for them not fair game for their spouse to control the spending of.

Neither of you sounds great with money though. If the budget is that tight that a change of supermarket upsets it then blowing £5k on a non essential holiday is sheer madness. It doesn't matter if you haven't been away in five year or twenty years, a £5k holiday is one big luxury non essential item.

harshbuttrue1980

Please feel free to find me a holiday for five, three adults (dd is 19) and two teens. Somewhere hot with a pool over the school summer holidays. If you can find somewhere lovely for under 5k (that includes spending money) I'll be forever grateful!

This would’ve Ive me insane. You can judge me but I would totally be looking for a bank statement

A holiday is totally essential. I would rather spend 5k on this than move my shopping to waitrose all year. I understand being able to spend loads in waitrose and other expensive supermarkets is important to some people.
I wouldn't get too hung up on my poor dh not being able to buy what he wants from waitrose. Since being given the money he hasn't bought a single item of food. I presume he could afford to shop in harrods food hall if he wanted to!!

Me and dh paid £2,500 just for two of us to Cyprus and that was 4 years ago and pre baby!! It's not cheap unless you want to stay in a budget hotel (been there and done that.)

I'm the same I'd rather have the holiday and shop in Aldi which I actually find nicer for a lot of things than the expensive rip off shops...

I'd be pissed off. All money in our marriage is shared whether it's 50p or £50k (it's never £50k lol) I took on DH debts when we met, he's been the main earner since we had our children and I went part time so we are probably even money wise - I couldn't tell you.
I can't understand it being HIS money? So he spends thousands on himself if he chooses and no one else gets to see a penny? surely spend X on the family and split the rest 50/50 or decide together on something eg. clear a chunk from the mortgage.
I think joint household should mean a joint lifestyle, not one in the house having vastly more wealth than the other.

Enjoy the holiday and car.
Personally I think you are pissed off because you know that neither of you 100% trusts the other around money.
Pay off the debts/overdraft then have a sensible, calm adult discussion about how you both can get more savvy with regards to finance, why you ended up with debts in the first place and need bailing out and try to avoid that by not overspending and having an emergency fund with some of the rest.

We aren't terrible with money to be fair. We don't have any credit cards (that I know about) and we have paid off most of our mortgage. We had one debt and he has an overdraft. We both have pensions.

I was very ill and couldn't work for over a year while I was having treatment. We did get into a bit of debt then - a loan. I am delighted he has paid this off.

I resent being told I need to be more savvy with finance! I check our bank balance every day, I budget for everything. The new car should save us money - it uses much less fuel and has low road tax.

Honestly, one minute I have to be more savvy and the next I should wander round waitrose chucking Perfectly Ripe Mangoes and hand massaged lamb into my trolley

Tbh I could be a millionaire and I still wouldn't shop regularly at waitrose! I love lidl it reminds me of Germany

A holiday isn't essential, much less a £5k holiday.

The point where you said that you'd sit down and wring every penny out made me realise why he hasn't told you.

We can afford the holiday witchend

If you've ever lived with a strict budget you get used to accounting for every penny. It still surprises me that people don't.

Fucking hell. Some weird responses on here!
Looking at the money situation I would say op is right and perfectly within her rights to watch the finances as closely as she does! Sounds like DH would piss it up the wall otherwise!

We have three kids. One at uni. Lots of sports and hobbies. It works if I manage the finances carefully (apart from when I was ill when we had to borrow). You'd have to be very well off to spend whatever you want whenever you want.

I think you're getting some unfair responses OP.

Am I right in thinking it's more of a trust issue than strictly about the money?

I would be suspicious too if I thought my husband had lied about the amount. I'd wonder why he had to lie.

Covefe I agree Me and dh would have to sacrifice things and save every penny to go on holiday especially now we have ds. Fact your dh has come into his money which allows you some nice extras and some
upgrades is great but fact he is hiding things is pretty shitty. Have that discussion. And like you said I don't know how people live such lavish lifestyles throughout the year; they must have credit card bills longer than my arm!

Yes ghostery it's definitely about trust. Financially we are not badly off.

Don’t agree with the majority - you sound financially controlling - it’s not your money to ‘wring every penny out of’. That’s insane

He has paid off debt, got a car which will save you both money, got your desired £5k holiday and you’re STILL scrutinising his remaining £8k. I’m not surprised he’s avoiding discussing this with you, he’s probably sick of your ‘wringing’ antics with the joint account. You still have your regular income in the joint account, maybe be wants some financial independence, is sick of being broke, wants to save for something, treat himself etc. He’s entitled to as it’s his gift!

It pisses you off because you’re controlling. All of that about not seeing the cheque / trying to cash it yourself etc. Jesus

I don't agree with pp, I think when you're part of a family finances should be discussed. If op's dh was a single batchalor with no dc than sure do what you want. Financial freedom within relationships with large amounts of money (no matter how it was gained) is a recipe for disaster in my book. It not just a small amount of birthday money. It's a large amount of money which I'm sure his father gave him with the best intentions that it was for him and his family as a whole.

bachelor*

I think as a couple with financial parity any big windfall or gift should be discussed equally between both parties. I find it weird people saying it's his money to do as he likes with especially as the OP's FIL seems to have given it for all the family, to me the people clamouring to say it's his money to spend at will, smacks more of financially controlling behaviour than the OP wanting to make sure the money is spent wisely

People are being so weird, usually on here everything is 'family money' and people are mad to have separate accounts but suddenly poor op is a controlling nag who's suffering husband deserves an 8k treat?! Nah!

It's a big sum, it SHOULD be for all of you in my opinion. Wringing every penny sounds sensible to me - you want to make sure that it really benefits your family and you get the most out of it. No idea why some people are taking offence - mumsnet, home of the chicken that can feed a family of six for a month but someone trying to live comfortably by budgeting is criticised?!

I'd be upset that he's not being upfront. With 8k there is more than enough for him to have a bit to 'play' with and feel frivolous and still bulk up the savings or pay for something lovely for you all. In a similar situation my husband and I took £1000 each to blow on anything and used the rest sensibly TOGETHER!

Yes agree, ideally it’s the sort of thing it should be easy to reach agreement on without the need for secrecy.

you’re STILL scrutinising his remaining £8k

That made me laugh out loud.

As if any average married couple just gaily ignore a partner's 8k windfall.

A lot of projection going on here!

Not wishing to be awful, but his DF isn’t going to be around forever or might not always be in a position to bail him out of debt - sounds like he’s been bailed out before and yet still racks up debts? (Or we’re all debts accrued while you were ill?)
He needs to be honest about things as significant as an extra £5k and get a better grip on his financial matters before this £8k slips through his fingers.
YANBU.