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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know what to think about this (money related)?

172 replies

Covefe · 10/12/2017 17:06

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

OP posts:
Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 21:25

Yes Greyponcho I'm worried that he's going to fritter this away

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 21:26

I could have really wrung every penny out of 25k!!

I suspect you know the answer to this. In your own words you’re controlling, you get pissed off if he spends more than thr budget, he’s shit with money, he probably just wanted some financial freedom, sees this as a gift to him from his dad and didn’t want to just hand it over to you to wring every penny out of.

I suspect that’s why you feel funny about it. You know why he’s done it, it’s making you question how he feels about your financial behaviour and you don’t like that he’s both lied and has money you can’t access and control.

Should he have done it, no, but I think I can understand why he has.

Ilovetolurk · 10/12/2017 21:29

As if any average married couple just gaily ignore a partner's 8k windfall.

But he has already shared part of the windfall for car/holiday

I had a very similar set up to you financially with my stbxh

Separate accounts
A joint account only managed by me for bills/food for which funds were just about enough every month

When my dh got bonuses or came into funds he would treat us to holidays etc but would often run a large overdraft

I genuinely saw his windfalls as his, just like his overdraft was his, as long as he funded the joint account as agreed

You seem to want it both ways OP

It’s ok for his personal account to be in overdraft but if has extra cash actually that should be shared

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 21:29

I'm worried that he's going to fritter this away

He’s not an incompetent child. You are neither his boss or his mother. Honestly if my husband spoke about me as you do your husband, I’d have lied too. Or To be more honest, I’d have told you to fuck right off.

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 21:37

Then you have an odd attitude to money bluntness

When I say I would have wrung every last penny out if it, I mean I would have made it work for us. Yes apportion some for fun, but make the rest work by paying more of the mortgage etc.

Obviously my dh agrees partially at least as he's enjoying keeping it partly secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 21:39

Agrees with you bluntness I mean

I've been really surprised at some of the aggression shown here. I absolutely 100% know it would be different if it was the dh typing this

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 10/12/2017 21:40

I really don't understand how op is being controlling ? Because she budgets money and dares to want to question were 8k might be hiding that her dh is lying about ?! Insane !!

notmenotyou · 10/12/2017 21:43

I am baffled by some of these responses. I could never just spend 8k on myself whilst my partner and kids watch. It's madness?!

You don't sound controlling at all. You sound switched on about money and used to dealing with someone who is a bit careless with it. If you were given money by a relative I'm sure there'd be no hint of well this is mine so tough luck everybody! And as for 'he treated you all to a holiday'?!??! 'Treated you' ?!?! It shouldn't be seen as a treat from him, it's family money, for the family. Jesus

Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 21:45

Thank you.

I absolutely don't see the holiday as a treat from anyone except FIL.

He would want the dcs to have a fab holiday m

OP posts:
Original poster
Covefe · 10/12/2017 21:48

If you were given money by a relative I'm sure there'd be no hint of well this is mine so tough luck everybody

No absolutely. In fact I won 1500 a few years ago and we had a lovely time as a family deciding how to spend 500 of it (1k went into dds uni fund!)

OP posts:
notmenotyou · 10/12/2017 21:58

Exactly!! It's madness, I'm genuinely baffled by some of the responses here. Usually it's 'family money' everything should be equal, shared accounts, if he isn't sharing, it's abuse etc yet suddenly your husband is a poor nagged man in need of an 8k treat to feel good?! No. No. You are a unit, a couple, a family.

You are completely entitled to feel upset abs angry that he is hiding money from you. He's worried you'll spend it sensibly or make sure every penny benefits you all?! Oh the horror! You monster! Wink

OhNoOhNo · 10/12/2017 22:07

I'm with you OP. We can go on nice holidays precisely because we're careful with money with shopping, not getting takeaway coffees etc.

I'd much rather a nice holiday rather than new clothes every month and a Costa every day.

expatinscotland · 10/12/2017 22:14

Cannot imagine spending 8k on 'treating myself' with the rest of the family on a budget of any sort. I don't see gifts from relatives as 'my' money, though. I have a family. We come first.

PasstheStarmix · 10/12/2017 22:18

Family values should include sharing and assets being joint. If op's dh wants to have all of that money to himself he should not have dc and a wife. It's wrong on so many levels. Hopefully a firm discussion will sort it out for you op; he is acting childish.

Fishface77 · 10/12/2017 22:19

Ask him op.
Go on.
What's the worst hell do?
Refuse to tell you?
At least you know where you stand in his priorities.
Also like I said previously, make sure you tell fil you haven't seen any of the money.

Pannacott · 10/12/2017 22:35

That is mean and selfish of him. If things were reversed (and they were with your £1500!) you would share entirely. He presumably didn't say 'no you keep £500 to blow on treats for yourself'.

It sounds like FIL intended it as a joint gift to the family. I'd be inclined to let him know otherwise. And I'd definitely be raising it with DH as unfair.

If DH wants to keep a few K to fritter, I would probably be on board with that as he cares about it so much, but the deceit and inequity are betrayals.

PasstheStarmix · 10/12/2017 22:45

I wonder if FIL would have given your DH all of that money if he didn't have a family...I very much doubt it. Maybe most likely have paid his debt with no extra money to spare. The extra would have been intended for the WHOLE family unit.

sailorcherries · 10/12/2017 23:09

I mean I would have made it work for us

But it isn't yours to make it work. He already paid for a car and a holiday which you seem to think of as an essential; yet cannot spend joint money on food items he views as the same.
You do not get to assume control over it all, which is what you want to do. You cannot decide what is necessary and not allow him the same freedom.

OhNoOhNo · 11/12/2017 06:11

sailorcherries if the H can't manage a supermarket budget and can blow a month's food budget for one day's worth of food at Waitrose, then it makes sense for OP to take charge. I'm sure OP would much prefer it if her H kept to a budget, as shopping has become more wifework for her.

Did you not read OP's last post where she spent the £1500 she won on the family?

It's the H that has the 'mine' mindset, not OP.

Moreisnnogedag · 11/12/2017 06:34

Jeez I'm amazed at previous responses. It's £8k!! Not a piffling amount - I'm not sure I could spend £8k on just treats for myself.

I'm in much of a similar position money wise, although DH is a SAHP. I earn a comfortable amount but we need to budget and I check the banking everyday. I will also mention to DH if he's overspent. It's not controlling, it's an agreed division of labour. In your shoes I'd speak to him and see what the issues are.

Bobbins43 · 11/12/2017 06:38

OP, YANBU and I totally understand why you feel uneasy about this because he IS hiding something. Wasn't the money a gift to you BOTH?

Bobbins43 · 11/12/2017 06:39

I really don't get some of the responses on here. £25k is almost an annual salary for a lot of people. It's more than for me. Why on earth wouldn't you want to wring every penny out of it? OP, any time you want to sort out my finances, I am here!

Bobbins43 · 11/12/2017 06:41

I mean, I totally COULD spend £8000 on myself. Easily. But I wouldn't.

peachgreen · 11/12/2017 06:43

Weird responses to this! If my husband was given a sum of money it would absolutely be our money and we'd decide how to spend it together. Moreover if he lied to me about something so significant it would be a dealbreaker. That's not because I'm 'controlling' but because we're a partnership and we share all things. In fact my parents did give me a sum of money and it went straight into our joint savings account!

OP YANBU at all, you deserve financial transparency from your spouse, especially given you have children.

OliviaBenson · 11/12/2017 06:45

Can you casually ask him what he intends spending the last £8k on?

I'm with you op. We had a windfall this year and we sat and discussed it together.