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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You shouldn't use the term SAHM if...

316 replies

TheJennaThing · 10/12/2017 16:21

You don't have children at home during the day? As in, they're in school.
I'm all for SAHP if they're children are actually at home but unless your OH earns mega bucks and you don't need to work surely SAHM isn't the right term if you just decide you're not going to work when you're kids are at school.

OP posts:
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 10/12/2017 19:53

It's only because "housewife" developed negative connotations as people associated it with the repressed women of the past. I'm quite happy to be described as a housewife.

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 10/12/2017 19:53

Is housewife better?

KalaLaka · 10/12/2017 19:58

This conversation has happened. It was done to death on a thread recently.

Nevertobeagain · 10/12/2017 19:59

Used to be called à housewife...... on a lighter note, suffering from shock, abuse and possible terminal hypothermia - temp 34.4°C for last 2 weeks.

Just want to go out on a bang rather than à wimper (waves to AF and blows kisses)

GloriaGutbucket · 10/12/2017 20:03

My children are all grown up now and I've been married for 25+ years.
When I had children I had to be a 'housewife' because there didn't seem to be any other option. (No other name for what I did, I mean)

Then along came the term 'domestic engineer' which I instantly adopted. It might sound like a bit of a joke, but it's a job which requires many skills if you manage to do it efficiently.

I never went back to paid work for various reasons, mostly because, due to circumstances, my domestic engineering was unusually demanding and time consuming. They are less demanding now, yet I continue to domestically engineer, alongside some leisure pursuits and rewarding voluntary work which I feel I deserve to indulge. I'm approaching retirement age, but domestic engineering appears to be a job for life. As my dh is also approaching retirement I'm hoping this will become a shared position.

Consequently, I will have only a very tiny occupational pension (only worked 12 years before kids and that was years ago). And a few years wait for the state pension.
So it looks like I'll be a domestic engineer until the lights go out.
(Shared position, all being well)
I've never claimed any benefits in my life and I resent anybody who thinks I'm a lazy idle sod because I've always been what is in today's terms a SAHM. So one person in OPs life comes over as a bit of a lazy bugger, and we all feel we have to justify ourselves.

It would have spoken louder if nobody at all had answered.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/12/2017 20:03

I think once your children are at school “housewife” is a better description. Stay at home parent is a bit redundant at that point because I know plenty of children whose parents find a way to work around the school hours. So they have the same out- of - school experience as those whose mum is a “housewife” albeit slightly less sparkling floors perhaps.

fc301 · 10/12/2017 20:04

So you decided to insult a whole group of people based on your assumptions about one person you know?

And you came on AIBU to canvas opinion but are determined to stick to your entrenched view. Shame on you.

I have worked up to 4 jobs but still consider myself a SAHM because my kids are my top priority, everything fits around them, and it's my favourite of all my jobs ... it's just the pay that's a bit shit.

But no way am I justifying my life choices to you.

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 10/12/2017 20:05

Gloriagutbucket. I salute you!

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 20:07

I don't get the need for terms to be absolutely accurate. Do people actually care how others choose to define themselves?

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 10/12/2017 20:08

I think once your children are at school “housewife” is a better description.

If they want to be described as a 'housewife'. Otherwse they should just crack on with calling themselves a SAHM.

NataliaOsipova · 10/12/2017 20:09

Do people actually care how others choose to define themselves?

Apparently so....!

NataliaOsipova · 10/12/2017 20:12

I think I will be "Intergalactic Commander of Our House" (ICOH for short) from now on....

g1itterati · 10/12/2017 20:15

I don't see why it matters what you call yourself. I just say I'm not working. In real life, I have never heard anyone describe themselves as a SAHM, though most if the women I know don't work. This kind of discussion only exists on MN.

In short, if you make the decision to become a SAHM it's because a) you want to and b) you can. That's all there is to it.

It is a lifestyle decision to focus on your family without the interference of a job. So, in that respect, you are a SAHM whether your DC are at school or not because that is the lifestyle you have chosen. If you don't have a job, you are likely to be doing stuff in the interests of the family during school hours anyway - you just do more if it than you could otherwise.

For instance, if one of mine ring me in a panic because they have left their sports kits or whatever at home, I can take it in. If I was at work, they would have to suck it up. If they need tights, or costumes, or something for a school project, I have time to think about it and get the stuff in. I have 4 DC in 3 different schools. If one is sick, they tend to get it one after the next, but no worries about time off. Similarly differences in term dates are no problem. I have more energy for them after school because I can clear my head when they are at school. The evenings with 4 DC are hectic with homework, clubs and all the "issues" and I rarely sit down between 3.30 and 10.30pm. When the DC were babies and in bed by 7pm, evenings were more flexible or free time. Now that flexible / free time has shifted to school hours. Life is still busy and no "SAHM" I know is ever bored, whether the DC are school-aged or not.

OP - If your friend is lazy and has a messy house, she would be the same in any situation because that is her personality.

tiptopteepe · 10/12/2017 20:32

i dont think you should really presume to know other peoples circumstances. Some women stay at home and they do ALL the house related tasks such as cooking and cleaning etc because their partner works long hours. They may also pick the kids up and take them to school because their partner isnt there, they may have to do everything in the evening because their partner doesnt get back till late. Im sure a woman in those circumstances would not consider herself unemployed because she would be busy all day and she would consider herself to be enabling her partner to work very long hours. So what is she supposed to call herself?
You dont stop being a mum because your kids are at school and its difficult in different ways for different people. Especially if as i said your partner is leaving very early and not getting home till very late or even if he works away from home entirely during the week.

You just dont really know and at the end of the day what is it to you what other people decide to call themselves??

WhyOhWine · 10/12/2017 20:34

DH is in this situation (DC at secondary school). He describes himself as semi-retired!

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2017 20:34

What do you prefer?

Housewife?

Confused
g1itterati · 10/12/2017 20:37

Debating whether you're a SAHM or not if the DC are at school is a similar nonsense to a WOHM who works 35 hours a week saying she works "full-time" when to another WOHM who works 60 hours per week, 35 hours would be very part-time. It's all relative.

HoneyDragon · 10/12/2017 20:41

I’m fairly certain I’m a parent. Definitely some kids that hang around here a lot and make me sign things.

And I’m pretty certain that when I’m sat around watching Netflix in a empty house between 9am and 3pm I’m still a parent, and at home.(SAHP)

But I’m also a wife but a married a bloke not a house so I’m a wife that stays at home so logically I’m a stay at home wife. (SAHW)

Then there’s the dog. She doesn’t got to school though and hasn’t got a job. So she’s a SAHD and I’m a SAHO.

I’m also an individual so SAHIalso applies.

But SAHPWOI is a bit long for a parenting forum.

Particular as I am a DNGAFSAHPWOI.

vwlphb · 10/12/2017 20:42

Seems like this thread is less about what it’s acceptable for a certain category of mother to call herself and more about

A) the OP’s problem with one specific person’s lifestyle and
B) working mothers who don’t want to give an inch of ground to the idea that children and communities may actually receive some benefits from a mother’s choice to stay home.

user1482573375 · 10/12/2017 20:44

We are not loaded. I am a SAHM. DS is 8. I care for DP elderly mother and my disabled DF. Partner has a stressful job sometimes and says he appreciates that I am home, as it makes his life easier.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 20:48

It sounds tedious to me. I’d rather spend the school day and evenings working around my kids than mopping the floor

Eh? That^ might just be the most immature comment I've ever seen on MumsnetConfused

3nonblondedd78 · 10/12/2017 20:51

Well I work very part time so see myself at a sahp really. Never received a benefit in my life though. Bar about 5 quid a week tax credits when almost everyone got them and child benefit until they stopped that.
Is that acceptable op?
Incidentally I am the one who does all the care before and after school, in the holidays, snow days , sick days, medical appointments etc etc. I have had 11 sick days for the kids since September. Not sure how happy any employer would be about that.

Jubejube1 · 10/12/2017 20:58

Stay at homes bores. Self indulgent lazy people go & get a job.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 10/12/2017 20:59

Ooooh look at you trying to be all controversial Jubejube.

How very original.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 21:02

Stay at homes bores. Self indulgent lazy people go & get a job

Grin...Nobody can be this ignorant surely?

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