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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You shouldn't use the term SAHM if...

316 replies

TheJennaThing · 10/12/2017 16:21

You don't have children at home during the day? As in, they're in school.
I'm all for SAHP if they're children are actually at home but unless your OH earns mega bucks and you don't need to work surely SAHM isn't the right term if you just decide you're not going to work when you're kids are at school.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 10/12/2017 17:52

Over invested in this woman’s life some may say..

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 17:53

So does that mean that when you are at home looking after your kids in the evening etc you can't call yourself a working mum? It depends solely on what you're doing at the time???? Ridiculous

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 17:55

Wonder if she knows you sit & basically slag off her life choices because you have put yourself on a higher pedestal OP

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 10/12/2017 17:56

Personal trainers must be doing press ups at all times.

Mechanics must be head down in an engine at all times.

Pharmacists must be administering drugs at all times.

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 10/12/2017 18:00

Op I stay at home. I also have a masters in mopping and dusting.

What should I call myself?

You should call yourself an arsehole if nothing elseGrin

happypoobum · 10/12/2017 18:00

So OP, by your, erm, logic, this woman you clearly despise, would be allowed to refer to herself as a SAHP during the school holidays, yes? But then has to revert back to Slatternly Waste of Space during term time?

I think you should explain this to her, I am sure she would thank you for it.

I don't want to send you completely over the edge but for a few years I chose not to work as my husband earned shedloads of money and I had no DC.

You are coming across as a desperately unhappy person. My advice would be to consider what you can do to make your own life better, rather than ruminating on the specific way others term their work life balance.

outsidelookingin · 10/12/2017 18:01

Who becomes their mother then?

Of course I'm still their mother, but I am not doing the "mothering", I'm doing my full time job instead.

vwlphb · 10/12/2017 18:02

None of those activities would make you a “better” parent though @vwlphb I can’t think of more ridiculous markers for good/bad parenting than being on a pta committee/ bringing home made stuff to a school party etc. They are nonsense “jobs” we set ourselves that most dads would see no need to do. Children couldn’t give a monkeys about most of the “better” things you list.

Have to agree to disagree @NeverTwerkNaked, at least as far as my feelings go. I personally would like to be able to spend more time with my kids instead of having my attention constantly split with getting housework, chores, dinner prep etc done; I see value in healthier home-cooked meals rather than store-bought or takeaways; I think contributing to your child's school is an important part of being a community and it adds value to my kids' lives (and those of others); and I know my kids would "give a monkeys" about having more time to do crafts or family outings instead of being told "can't now, I'm making dinner" or being dragged around the supermarket after swimming on the weekend. I would certainly have more patience and be less snappy if I wasn't run ragged most of the week, and that would be better for everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on myself (or anyone else) because modern life demands a ridiculous amount from working mothers, and I can't be a "perfect" parent. That is the world we live in; I can imagine the benefits of not having the same pressures, but imagining isn't going to make it come true, so I just get on with it like everyone does.

And while I agree that most dads wouldn't consider doing half the things on my list, frankly the level of parenting care and contribution that society expects from dads (and therefore most dads expect from themselves) is completely substandard. So the fact that they wouldn't place any value on it doesn't mean those things are in fact valueless.

Dougietron · 10/12/2017 18:03

Wasn't the original term for an individual who chooses to stay home rather than work a housewife or househusband?

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 18:06

Dougie but what about if you aren't married 😱 That's misrepresentation at the very least...

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/12/2017 18:10

I think you are a gf, but to answer your 'point'.
1)I do plenty of things for the benefit of my children while said children are not actually in the house.
2) As has been said, 'unemployed' has a specific economic meaning and govt statistics exclude sahp. If it's good enough for the govt, I don't see why your definition supercedes that.
3) Am not keen on the term 'economically inactive' - I spend shitloads Wink. Also I consider that I support my dh to be a 'high' wage earner by covering all the pre and post school obligations, sick days, snow days, holidays etc. I gather this view is controversial on mn but in all honesty while he earns a good wage it isn't so high that it would cover full time nannies in my absence.
4) The school day is shorter than you think. There really isn't stacks of free time.
5) If you are in paid employment, you do not work 24/7 but still define yourself as an employee, even on your days off. Sahp is no different.

JaneyEJones · 10/12/2017 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/12/2017 18:10

But you can internet shop for food?and plan quick but healthy meals.
Outsource cleaning to a cleaner and /or get the kids to chip in and it only takes half an hour at the weekend.

I work within school hours plus evenings and so I know the work pattern, I don’t find it stressful at all though, and didn’t even when I was a single mum. The only thing that gets cut is “me time”. But tbh i’m fine with that.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/12/2017 18:12

There are also plenty of ways to contribute to the school community other than sitting in on overly long PTA meetings/ coffee mornings etc.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 18:16

Omg why are so many people so invested in other people's households 😂

AngelsWithSilverWings · 10/12/2017 18:17

SAHM is a rubbish way to describe what I am ( I’m not really at home much!) and to be honest outside of Mumsnet I’ve never had to use it. My answer to “what to you do?” is to say that I gave up work when the kids came along. If pressed I’ll tell them what I used to do and if pressed further I tell them I did it for 20 years and was more than willing to give it up. I actually find it more demanding now my kids are 9 and 12 than when they were toddlers. I have recently thought about getting a job ( just for something interesting to do) but my DD9 was horrified at the thought of going to before and after school club and DS12 was not happy about me not being home when they got home from school , or being able to drive them to drama, karate , swimming , etc. They’ve only ever known me to be at home and they don’t want that to change. By the time they leave school and go off to Uni ,DH will have retired and the next stage of our lives will begin.

Dougietron · 10/12/2017 18:18

I've never really associated the wife/husband part of the term housewife/husband as being solely for married people even though it seems the obvious assumption 😐 I guess I've never really thought much about it until I came across this tread lol.

Brokenbiscuit · 10/12/2017 18:19

Seriously though why call yourself a stay at home parent if you're children aren't there? You're not doing any parenting to them while they're at school, It's ridiculous.

I've said this before when objecting to the term "full-time mum" for describing women who are not in paid employment, but I'll say it again here. Parenting does not equal childcare, and a SAHM may be undertaking lots of tasks that are linked to parenting their child, even if they are not actively caring for that child while the child is in school. So of course it's possible to be a sahp when dc are in school.

And I say this a a WOHM and always have been!

Goldenbear · 10/12/2017 18:22

I hate internet shopping for food because they don't provide the best dates for food, healthy quick food is quite dull. My DC like things that take a bit of time. They don't like stir frys unfortunately. I don't agree with someone else cleaning up our mess, I think it sends the wrong message to a child.
The main reason my two, 6 and 10 don't want to go to after school club is because they think it's an extension of an environment they've had enough of. They want to play with their toys, instruments and yes, do crafts and art all in the comfort of their home not the school hall.

hattyhighlighter · 10/12/2017 18:26

YABU. Perfectly legitimate choice to stay home and be around for dcs, people don't have to justify it.

Goldenbear · 10/12/2017 18:26

I'm looking for work and had an interview last week and have one this week but I've been a Sahp for a long time and I think if it's something your children get used to it's difficult to change. It is easier for children who are used to it I think.

PoorYorick · 10/12/2017 18:27

Good God, OP, why didn't you just start a thread saying, "I know this woman and she doesn't work and her kids are at school but her house is a mess and I just want to start an online character assassination"?

Or if you use the term "vent", that's the code. We'll know what you mean.

Meanwhile I'm sure she thinks very highly of you.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 10/12/2017 18:27

I think it should be up to the mother to decide what she wants to be called. She could well be taking on board duties whilst she is at home, such as preparing dinner, laundry, preparing educational activities for the kids, etc...I think they should be able to call themselves SAHM if they want.

MrsMS · 10/12/2017 18:30

Oh do bore off TheJennaThing.

LunasSpectreSpecs · 10/12/2017 18:32

But what term would you prefer to use? The person is still a mum, who stays at home.

I never know how to define myself. I'm a SAHM, but don't qualify by OP's standards as my youngest is 9. One day a week, I am a charity volunteer from 9-5. 2 to 3 days a week I work for myself from home. (I usually say I'm a SAHM rather than working at home because people get that startled expression - they think I'm going to start recruiting them into my pyramid).

So I'm a "stay at home sometimes work at home sometimes charity working sometimes mum".