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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2017 02:01

It's not remotely unreasonable of you to want to marry your partner. Marriage is a legally binding contract which provides protection for children and SAHPs.
There are two main possibilities here: your DP honestly doesn't know that you would like to be married and genuinely doesn't know how much weaker your legal/financial position is if you are not married.
Or, your DP knows perfectly well that getting married would give you a claim on his assets and also mean he could not claim to be single if Angelina Jolie or whoever suddenly turned up on the doorstep with no knickers on.

If you've been together for 10 years, it's OK for you to have told him that you would like to be married, and that you would really like it if he were to be the one who proposes to you in a romantic setting.
It's fairly OK for his attitude to be, not very into performance proposals, but getting married is a good thing, let's start arranging that.

But if his approach is, yeah, well, maybe, one day... when you have told him it matters to you then he's a bit of a dick.

Solomumdoingitfor2bymychoice2 · 10/12/2017 02:19

what if hes not into necessity of a marriage being so urgnt in commitment when surely being together with a decades of building up a unit and have his children and be happy why make him be feeling he cant honest when you ask him to be open ,suggest in up front direct clearly unavoidable in his possible distractions or when hes most likely to be able to be open to why marriage may be moreof your trads than his and maybe if yous talk you may see this ideal cat be giving those pressures on the partners to do for the lady over theyre own feelings and happiness,if hes happyy and secure with things as they are,why change it with marriage ? whats the big thing now still with seeing marriage as anything but a balll chain ticket to a one way system into joint everything and legall binding together and forcing his surname to make yours change to this name just is all it is,the big day the dress is the things and maybe your romantic,but,hes obviously not,we are diffrent,we have to see the logic in why some men or women dont want marriage due to having experiences growing upwhere everything was kinda made to have bad influences on marriage as a route to some miserable kind of forced into change the males hate as it is. how about you change ya name by deedpole to his instead...buy a nice but simple wed gown and book a nice break somewhrre you both celebrate the personal versitile option of doing the entire marriage thing in a seperate step by step but by commiting into his name and the joint partnership will grow into marrriage,common man and wife,legally is the one thing ,unless its all about your day and celebrate it as a whopping combined engagement doo,make the wedding come in seperate intervals,your are doing it in all the ways he may just think do you know what love? lets get married we may as well do if we think doing all this is simple ,jsut do the marriage thing? and when ya do you get into another 10yrs of finding out things hes hidden like his secret fetish for crossdressing and anal penetration which i see as fairplay you got your end of it and give him his if he shows his dark sides and his true self and your unable to accept after how much your choices for marriage made him secure and to see you fall into prejudice over what could be why hes hesitating on an answer.anyways fuck it,why bother? changes nothing but makes your entire efforts be hindering when its all change of names and joint things pointless stress of changing what is really just a problem of deedpole or civil partnership if you need to so bad

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2017 02:40

Solomumdoingitfor2bymychoice2

??????????

Take more water with it dear.

BacktoworkonMonday · 10/12/2017 02:49

Sorry, I'm another one who doesn't understand why it's the man's 'job' to propose marriage. Especially when you already have a home and a child together. As a pp said, why go all 'traditional ' about this when you have not followed tradition wrt the order in which you set up home and had a family? Almost 40 years ago my then boyfriend and I had a discussion about marriage and by the end of that conversation, we'd decided to marry. No proposal, no engagement, just a sensible discussion where we did used what we each considered important in marriage (not the wedding, the lifetime after that ). We married a year later.

OP. I really think you need to instigate the conversation about marriage.

itshappening · 10/12/2017 03:29

I think he would probably be very happy to marry you OP. You might just have to accept, and I am guessing here, that to him it isn't a pressing issue or a romantic thing. He might have done the quick proposal once before, but look how that turned out. There was no real commitment there. With you he has a real history, and future, and for him it just may not mean much to formalise that. Many men just aren't bothered unless pushed because at this point he has most of the benefits of being married to you already.

Deep down you know whether he loves you and wants to be with you, so don't get hung up on the proposal as a proof of that. You don't need that proof, there are other ways to know. Just have a conversation and tell him what you want.

Lashalicious · 10/12/2017 03:45

Another Emma, this guy's nights out are not sacred holy days of obligation. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to come home and talk about something op is upset about, a talk that is probably 8 years overdue. I am amazed at the timidity of some of the responses. Op is actually afraid of bringing this up. As if she must tread on eggshells around her partner or get counseling. He sounds like not much of a catch to begin with. And op should have a lot more respect for herself and not be afraid. Ask him so she can move ahead with her life. I can't believe she's waited this long.

Lashalicious · 10/12/2017 03:49

Oh my solomum what are you smoking? Totally nuts.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/12/2017 04:40

We have quite similar stories, OP. I would love to "belong" too; to feel like someone wanted me as part of their family.

I have a lovely DP now and I think he understands; but to be honest, I'm not sure I'd propose if he didn't. I'm also not sure if I'd have children with him before that.

Talk to him again. I don't disagree with everyone saying you might be out of luck with a romantic proposal but hopefully there is a compromise here that suits you both.

gingergenius · 10/12/2017 05:25

Maybe he just can't afford a ring and so doesn't want to pop the question without one?

Original poster
Changeusername · 10/12/2017 06:18

I've just read through your responses , I'll try clarify a couple things.

  • He very rarely goes on nights out. In fact hes only out because its his christmas one with friends. Beyond that i cant remember last time he was out.
  • He's sole breadwinner now. I was for a time, I'm on maternity leave just now - sorry if I never made that clear.

I know he loves me and the more I think about it , the senario may be closer to what itishappening said. - Its just not on his list of prorities. Hes a great dad and never leaves me without. I'm just too proud to ask for things when i need it (maternity pay is shit).

Can I check something though. I thought that after (2 years? ) if you were living together, you became comman law husband/wife and so, were entitled to same be benefits?

OP posts:
DaisyLand · 10/12/2017 06:41

I proposed my dh whilst on holiday. People found it strange and assumed I’d get an engagement ring afterwards. I always said I didn’t want one. I did it that way cuz I knew he’d be happier to be proposed than what I’d be.

Doubt you’ll get same rights as someone that is married after 2 years , if that was the case many people wouldn’t get married. The other day there was a woman in the news that she just won a case about it.

This is what citizens advise says

Common-law spouses

Although the terms common-law wife or husband are frequently used to describe a couple who live together, these relationships do not have legal recognition.

whataconundrum · 10/12/2017 06:51

Please don't become a SAHM after .at leave without getting married...please protect yourself in case of a break up. I know it's not the most romantic thing to hear but essential you protect yourself a d your DC. Reading mumsnet has made me realise how many cases there are out there where this has happened!

user1486915549 · 10/12/2017 07:03

You certainly don’t have the same rights if you are not married. Read the many threads on here from unmarried mums who have been left in dire financial straits when they split from partners.

ferntwist · 10/12/2017 07:05

Don’t ask him but do talk to him more about how you feel.

Ecureuil · 10/12/2017 07:05

if you were living together, you became comman law husband/wife and so, were entitled to same be benefits?

Not true at all, unfortunately. There is essentially no such thing as a ‘common law spouse’

Ullupullu · 10/12/2017 07:06

No no no OP there is no such thing as common law husband/wife! You get married for all the legal protections it affords. Read the Relationships board here on MN where fathers have fucked off after 15-20 years, SaH mothers left with kids and no right to the property etc, puts the chills up me.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 10/12/2017 07:08

Can I check something though. I thought that after (2 years? ) if you were living together, you became comman law husband/wife and so, were entitled to same be benefits?

No. Common Law does not legally exist. You have no rights beyond child maintenance.

NerdyBird · 10/12/2017 07:14

There is no such thing as common law husband and wife. You have very little protection beyond e.g having a share in your house.

I think your self esteem is not the best, and it seems like you are looking at this proposal as a way for your DP to prove something to you - that he loves you more than his previous fiancee? Do you feel like he doesn't because he hasn't proposed?

Anyway, I'd have thought after 10 years you should be able to talk about it. You really should get it sorted one way or another.

Get your name added as a signatory on your DC accounts asap, no need for it to be just him. Also, do NOT change your name by deed poll it won't make you any more a family than you are already. And people will be asking you when you got married and when you explain you'll probably find that in RL you get some looks or even comments. I don't think you'd really like that.

WineGummyBear · 10/12/2017 07:16

OP. You actually want 2 things and you can prioritise.

  1. To be married
  2. A proper proposal (that comes spontaneously from him)

The first you can talk about with him and get on with. The second you have little control over, and you are trying it up with feelings of not belonging. I'd pursue the first.

OuaisMaisBon · 10/12/2017 07:54

Changeusername - please read this recent thread to see why marriage is the best idea for you and your DC, and to clear up misconceptions about "common-law" marriage, whether or not you give up work. Get married! The OP asked a completely different question from you, but everyone was unanimous telling her she should get married to protect her and her child's best interests. That is what is important to your future, not whether your partner or you proposes. Please, talk to your other half about marriage and how important it is to you. Seriously, a romantic proposal doesn't matter, it should be a joint decision, particularly, as others have said, in this day and age.
Good luck!

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 10/12/2017 07:58

A friend in LTR recently got married for tax reasons (inheritance tax maybe, they have a child) so that’s a reason for. Only one I can think of though.

berliozwooler · 10/12/2017 08:01

Regardless of whether you get married, I'd urge you to make wills straight away. Loads of people cohabit with children and have no idea of their rights - or rather, the lack of rights.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 10/12/2017 08:36

It's possible to draw up a legal agreement via a solicitor that will put you in something closer to the position you would be in if you were married - people on MN often mention it - but inheritance tax remains a potentially very significant difference.

CarrieBradshaw85 · 10/12/2017 08:53

Could be worse, there is a couple that have been engaged since 1991 and they have two kids.

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