Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

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feel so down and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

I think you're hanging too much on the proposal and what it means. Perhaps he is struggling because he has previously been engaged and had it blow up in his face. Given all the other commitments you have made to each other it's unlikely to be because he loved her more.

Honestly by this stage I don't see why a proposal is necessary. I was in a similar position to you. Together 10 years. 2 DCs now, both with his surname (I have my estranged and now dead stepfather's surname which I have absolutely no wish to pass on to my children). So I said to DP I wanted our family to be legally recognised as such and I wanted us to all have the same surname. He agreed. We are getting married in January.

The time we've been together, the decision to have children - these are the things that told me I now had a stable family of my own for the first time. Try not to lose sight of those things. You do belong.

As with any relationship situation I'm a firm believer in NAMING the problem. Sit down and tell him how you feel. Including your fears that telling him will make him feel he has to marry you. Have an open conversation. It will almost certainly make you feel better. At worst your worries will be realised (unlikely imo based on what you've said) but at least you'll know rather than silently fretting

It's 2017, not 1959.

We are either equal to men, or we're not. If we are equal, and we want to get married we can propose to them, rather than waiting for them to propose to us like some soppy Jane Austen character.

OP, you need to woman up and have a sensible, adult discussion about marriage with your OH.

If it’s important to you then talk to him about it and explain that it is import, and why.

Forget about the romance of a proposal and concentrate on what being married would mean for you.

Isn't his commitment to you more important than a marriage licence.?

aussielinda theoretically. But without the marriage certificate, he could piss off and marry anyone else at any point, and any wills they have drawn up would be invalidated by the new marriage. The OP won't even be his NOK unless they've had specific legal documents drawn up.

To be perfectly honest I think op fears the answer if she were to ask him, because then she is the one that has to make a decision.

If he says no he never wants to get married the only choices are either to accept it and carry on with the status quo - unhappily and possibly with resentment building - or to leave him even though she loves him as she feels he doesn't love her enough.

As was discussed on another thread re the finances, you can have wills etc but he can change his at any time to cut you off without you knowing a thing. You're very vulnerable. You're also vulnerable if you are only working part time in order to cover childcare, he gets to continue building his career while yours is on pause and is permanently affected with no protection if you split.

I am sure myself and other mners especially those of us that are older and have more experience have seen friends and family end up in horrific situations by not marrying their partners.

You have (understandably) mixed all this up with your own upbringing and feelings.

You can give children your name and still not take a man's name on marriage. He could take yours and their name!!

You could change your name to your children;'s name without getting married!

Two really really important things: your emotional sense of security. You seem to have self esteem issues. Of course he didn't love his ex more than he loved you. He has kids with you, etc, he is WITH you. BUT he isn't responsible for your happiness any more than you are. Think about how you can improve your own self worth for yourself, rather than waiting on his marriage proposal as proof of your value.

Secondly: you have given up a massive chink of your working life, and with it pro rata pension, promotional chances etc. Gone from higher earner to lower. Forget the romance, you need the financial security of marriage.

Either propose yourself in a big romantic way , or talk to him seriously and make it a NY resolution to get yourselves married this year.

The work on the wills will be redundant then, anyway!

Then drag your trad self into the C21st

If you don't want to be the one to propose, then you need to tell him clearly that you want him to do it. He's probably taking it for granted that your relationship is stable and happy, and proposing is just one of those things in his mind he will 'get around to'. But you should make it clear you do want to get married, and soon.

Proposals don't have to be a big surprise! The majority of my friends have seen theirs a mile off. Not many men are good at keeping secrets or doing the big gestures.

Have the conversation now. It'll give him plenty of time to go ring shopping for xmas.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Does he want to be married? Ten years, it seems marriage would have happened by now.

And, if it were me, I’d go right in now and say, when are you going to ask me to marry you? (IF you know beyond a shadow of a doubt he’s the right one and I guess you do or you wouldn’t be posting.) and there’s absolutely nothing wrong if you did want a big proposal and/or a big wedding with the dress and everything else that goes with it. It’s your life, remember that.

I don’t understand people that close who can’t talk to each other about things, important things.

I’d be wondering too, I wouldn’t wait ten years. After one year of dating, when I was sure, I just knew he was the one, I talked to my now husband and said, “When are you going to ask me to marry you? I’m ready.” He said he was thinking of surprising me and doing one of those plane things where they fly a banner saying will you marry me. Hahaha!! Bless him! Anyway, we went that week (holiday week so we were both off) and had so much fun picking out a ring & doing fun things and on the way to my mother’s to break the news he stopped at a beautiful setting and got down on one knee and proposed so he was able to surprise me after all. We planned the wedding for three months and had the church wedding with the most beautiful dress, the whole shebang, reception, honeymoon. I loved every minute of it.

Op, you know, you can have what your heart desires. If he is truly the one, you can walk right up and tell him exactly what you think and feel and want on this and any subject. And if he is the one, he will want you to have the proposal and wedding that you really want. There is nothing wrong with having a simple ceremony outside, or in a church, or get married without fanfare. There’s no wrong way to do it. I will say though that he needs to get on with it, ten years, he should know whether he wants to get married or not.

Perhaps he likes it this way or you could propose to him if you like? May be in a subtle way, talking good about marriage etc.

When you said you discussed it and he agreed he wanted to get married, do you think that conversation was just a fleeting mention, or was it an in depth discussion?

Maybe he think engagements bring bad luck?!

I think you need to make some kind of comment along the lines of “let’s make 2018 the year we get married! What do you think? What’s your favourite month?”

Just ask him!!
Why does he have to propose?
If he says yes..... he wants to marry you whoever’s bright idea it was.
Get a move on and ask him if it means so much.

So you'd rather not get married at all than have to be the one to propose?

What if you brought up the subject and he said 'look, babe, I'm not a big romantic speech kind of person but you just tell me the date and that's fine by me'. What then?

Look, he probably feels a bit of a twat because he was 'engaged' (what a ridiculously 1920s thing that sounds) before and doesn't want to be labelled 'engaged' again.

Just talk to him about getting married, and plan it.

Op, have you asked him yet? Go ask him right now what he’s waiting on! If you’re afraid to talk to him about it, that’s not a good sign in itself.

I just talked to my dh. He doesn’t understand either why it’s been ten years, your partner needs to get off his behind.

Unmarried doesn’t = lack commitment. Just tie up the legal stuff, eg mortgage

Unfortunately there's loads of legal stuff you simply cannot tie up without formalising your partnership legally

You can draw up a cohabitation agreement (which at hundreds of pounds will be vastly more expensive than a simple registry office civil ceremony) to agree how to split financial matters in the event of separation. You can put wills in place (but they can easily be changed - it's a lot harder to disinherit a spouse). Being married affords rights such as shared personal allowance, no IHT, pension and ISA rights and bereavement allowance in the event of one partner's death. You can't tie that up without having your partnership legally formalised.

Unmarried doesn't equal uncommitted, but it does equal less protection under the law in the event of separation or the death of one partner

Engagements are fun, so are weddings. I never thought about or took one look at wedding magazines until I got engaged, and I was surprised how much I enjoyed looking at them while I planned our wedding. Op, come on!

I feel some posters are being a bit purposefully dense in acting like discussing marriage and both saying you want it is the same as being engaged and means you're ready to set a date. Discussing marriage can range from 'I want to marry you, around this date, we will/won't bother with a proposal' with an enthusiastic partner to 'er yeah I mean, I've never really thought about it but I guess I would get married, some day'. The latter in theory sounds like the person wants marriage one day but it could just as easily be someone put on the spot afraid of saying the wrong thing.

And we can't just ignore that in our culture there's a certain trajectory to marrying: you meet, date, have a proposal, have an engagement and planning period then a ceremony. Not for everyone but for most. It's pretty silly to equate a discussion about marriage and saying you want it with skipping straight to setting the date unless you've explicitly both said that. Proposing means 'I'm certain I want to marry you and I'm ready'. Though even then some people string it out for years as they aren't quite ready and feel pressured!

OP if he wants to be married to you he won't let anything stand in your way. Worth a chat, be honest with him, but I feel his inactivity in this area after such a long time is your answer. You must decide if he's worth never marrying.

Thanks for your input folks - given me allot to think about.

Hes currently on a night out so cant discuas the matter with him just now. Unfortunatley.

Before dc was born, I did fleetingly think about just changing my name but it felt like i was imposing on him. I know this is ridiculous considering the commitments we already have but still felt it none the less.

I guess I do have to look at my own issues. I cant hinge my happiness on someone asking a question. Maybe I just need to make peace that he's not going to ask. Though a few posters have mentioned it, legally I am/have put myself in a precarious position. I know that no matter what happens in the future he will put DC first.

It hit home the other week though when i couldn't get a printout of DCs account as he is signatory (was a joint decision) Felt like a no-one to DC on reflection though being married wouldn't have changed that, but it still stirred up all the feelings.

Not another one of these threads where the op is waiting to be proposed to. It's 2017, if you want to get married tell him. It is not 'traditional' to live together before you marry, it is not 'traditional' for you to have a baby before marriage, it is not 'traditional' for you to be the breadwinner, how come tradition is so important where the proposal is concerned? I don't get it at all.

Op is the breadwinner too? I missed that. So op, your partner has left you waiting for ten years, you are the breadwinner, you’re afraid to tell him what you think, you’re afraid to change your name for fear of imposing on him—what in the world?! You had his child, you are living together for ten years, you are the breadwinner, you are imposing on him if you take his name?? And he’s on a night out tonight? Does he do that often?

No, no, no. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, op. I would not put up with any of that, it’s nuts. Get out while you can, while you’re young. I don’t get people, men or women, who stick it out with somebody who doesn’t seem to care. If he were the one, he would have already proposed a long time ago. There are very wonderful men who would not be acting like this. My dh just said if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s not going to happen. I’d call him right now and say come home, I want to talk. Then when he comes home, tell him you’re tired of waiting for ten years and you would like to get married and have a nice engagement too (if that’s what you want). See what he says. If he hems and haws, I’d tell him to make up his mind now, he’s had ten years to think about it. I would add that I’m not paying his way anymore and for him to add equal suppport. seriously, I don’t see a good ending to this unless he comes home and is open and very receptive to what you say. It’s late enough now, surely he’s home.

OP I don’t think this is just about getting engaged/married and I think you’d benefit from some counselling. The more you post the clearer it is that you are hoping a proposal will fill some kind of void that you are feeling. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But you need some kind of support to help you make peace with your past and feel ok about yourself and what you have now, whether you get married or not.

Lashalicious
Why are you being such a drama queen about the whole thing? Why on earth are you telling the OP to insist he comes home immediately from his night out?! They’ve been together 10 years, it’s hardly an emergency is it?! Pretty sure it’s a discussion that can wait until tomorrow!

Until I joined MN I honestly had no idea that so many women are waiting passively for a proposal. As others have already said, this is 2017! You've both discussed marriage, and apparently intend to get married at some point. Just sit down together and chose a date!

Definitely ask him, and definitely be clear that you're not asking to pressure him, you're asking to know if he wants to. If you're fully informed of what he wants you can decide how to respond to that. At the moment you don't know what your response is or how to react because you're just hoping that he'll propose. Ask him to marry you. If he hmms or haws or hesitates stay strong and have your wobble privately. Say thank you for being truthful about how you feel now .
You need to know what's in his head so that you know what the best thing to do next is.