Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:12

So it’s not a deal breaker.if he doesn’t want to marry you’ll be fine with that
If he wanted to get married he’d do it he hasn’t..you’ve said If he didnt want to get married i would be fine with th

TheHolidayArmadillo · 09/12/2017 22:14

I would be abit annoyed though as he always said he would like to be married one day.

If he wants to marry you, he will. Talk to him. Forget about stupid proposals and talk to him about actually arranging to get married.

Or accept that he's not going to marry you.

Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:15

The only legal issue for him is parental rights for the DC in the event of your death.

Not so.

wineoclock1 · 09/12/2017 22:18

I think you need to tell him what you want. Lots of women do. It doesn't mean it's any less romantic, if you say to him 'I would really really like to get married one day'.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 22:19

You need to talk to him then!

Let go of the idea of the romantic gesture, if he was that way inclined, you'd have had him on bended knee at some point around the time you had the "let's try for a baby" conversation.

That was the moment if it was going to happen like that, so there's three options now,

  1. you talk to him and it turns out he didn't realise marriage mattered to you that much, so he's happy to go ahead and book something or
  2. you talk to him and it turns out that for whatever reason, even though he knows you want to get married, he doesn't (in that case, I'd be preparing for the idea that you might well not spend the rest of your life with him), or
  3. you carry on as you are, wishing and hoping and not knowing where you stand.
MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 22:20

The things you've said here have been very moving. I think you should say exactly that to him. It would be very unfair of him to deny you this chance now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:22

No,an adult isn’t compelled to marry their partner.unfair doesn’t come into it

Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:25

He's arguably "unfair" to string her along for years, say he wants to marry, let her have the baby and then (potentially) change his mind now. That would be decidedly "off".

But he might not and in any case it's better to know where you stand.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:28

Not unfair.He never actually initiated anything wedding related,hasn’t proposed

Original poster
Changeusername · 09/12/2017 22:32

Hi Graphista yes we have got documents drawn up about what happens when and who owns what. The wills have still to be finalised to include dc.

OH is self employed. I work part time but was working full time (extra hours as regular ot) until i fell pregnant., so for a long while i was the higher earner. I'm not sure if that means anything legally.

I have discussed with him in the past why its important to me and he seemed to understand. Money was also a factor when discussing marriage before children and as i said - biological clock was ticking with the feeling we were running out of time.

I just dont think i could ask him in a million years to marry me. I have done lots of romantic things in the past but this one thing is his job. Assuming he still wants to.

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:32

Not unfair.He never actually initiated anything wedding related,hasn’t proposed

Enough with all this "proposal nonsense". They've agreed they both want to. Who elaborately "proposes" something, 17th century style, AFTER its already been agreed?

Nobody would ever get through breakfast 🙄

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:34

Do you carry a pomander?what you mean his job to ask.dont be so passive

Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:35

Does this man even know he's "supposed" to propose?

He might have thought marriage was agreed on ages ago and be really hurt that wedding arrangements were never made.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:36

Battleaxe,it’s not the proposal as such he hasn’t initiated anything re marriage
That suggest he doesn’t want to get married

Battleax · 09/12/2017 22:38

OP hasn't "initiated" anything either, by the sounds of it.

Why is it up to him to "initiate"?

They agreed they both wanted to marry, then what? Inaction all round.

HeavyMetalMummy · 09/12/2017 22:39

You're going to have to bring it up. It's easy for 'the question' to fall from the list of priorities when you've got everything that usually comes afterwards already in place if that makes sense? I'm in the same boat, 10 years together, DC, pet and living together. Having all of that going on means the formalising of it just looses it's necessity. It doesn't mean he loved his ex more than you, not at all.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:41

Well yes.folk are sayin cracking book reg office,get him told
Op is waiting to be asked it’s his job apparently
So yes neither one of them is moving forward. They need frank conversation

Original poster
Changeusername · 09/12/2017 22:43

Thank you brilliant i wouldn't want him to get married to me though because he felt like he owed me. I guess thats whyvthe proposal part is so important to me.

If he didnt want to get married i would just have to build that bridge.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 09/12/2017 22:44

What’s this thing about waiting for the man to ask/it must be him to ask, it’s 2017 you want to get married then just ask him? You could ask him right now it’s 4 words “Will you marry me?”

Or just have a chat one night decide to get married and bloody well get on with it?

What’s the point it feeling like you do when it could easily be changed, seems a bit daft to me Confused

NameChange30 · 09/12/2017 22:44

For Chrissake woman just talk to him about how you feel.
Tell him you want to get married and ask if he stills wants to.
Tell him why it’s important to you. If a “proposal” is important to you, tell him that.
Tell him you would love to get engaged and/or start planning it soon.
And ask him what he thinks about it all.

Take responsibility and be an active participant in decisions about your own future. Stop passively waiting and wondering. It doesn’t mean you have to propose to him if you don’t want to - but you do have to talk to him about it. Women don’t have to sit silently until spoken to!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:45

Have the direct conversation with him do you want to get married? take from there

AnotherRoadsideAttraction · 09/12/2017 22:46

I'm one of those women who took stock of my lovely life, realised my partner was a bit gun-shy from the breakdown of his previous relationship and so, when it felt right, I proposed to him. It was such a happy experience. Have never regretted the way it all unfolded. We are happily married now with DC.
Don't be shy to speak up for your wants!

TheHolidayArmadillo · 09/12/2017 22:46

You need to accept then, that if you're still waiting for a proposal it's highly unlikely to be forthcoming after 10 years.

If you ask him about it, what will he say "oh I was going to propose, but you've spoiled the surprise now?".

Have a grown up conversation about whether marriage is on the cards. If he doesn't want to marry you, believe me, he won't.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 22:51

Money was a factor before, so does he have the impression you want the big do if you are going to get married? It's not being married but the wedding that matters to you, and if you can't have the fancy day, you aren't fussed?

It's only a few hundred quid to get married, but you saying that you couldn't afford it when trying for a baby suggests that t was the big day you wanted.

Tell him it's not. Start the chat. Make it clear it's not a 'nice to have' but something you care about.

He may well decide to do the romantic proposal once he knows you really mean it, you want to be married.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/12/2017 22:52

It's been 10 years. You just need to ask him. You have bought a house and have a child together. Yes you might want the big romantic proposal but it clearly isn't forthcoming. Ask him.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread