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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
Elendon · 10/12/2017 14:31

Feeling justified is a way of getting out of paying due taxes.

It's shit. The new couple know it, the children know it and the ex knows it.

But a little bit of tax avoidance is fine and dandy.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 16:16

And I wouldn't expect my ex's DP to have anything to do with maintenance. Exh and I have a private arrangement based on his wage only. I'm happy with what he pays me

Easy to say that^ when you're receiving regular maintenance payments isn't it? I've noticed a few posters on here saying it's nothing to do with the new g/fs or wives yet they all seem to be getting maintenance. A bit of I'm alright Jack going on.

Osolea · 10/12/2017 16:24

What makes you think it should have something to do with the new partners of NRPs Lemon? Genuinely curious.

Where do you draw the line as to where you think they bear some responsibility? Cohabiting, marriage, a joint bank account? What if they keep separate finances? What if they're long term committed partners but live in separate houses?

Shit as it is when NRPs don't pay, I don't think it is right or practical to make future partners bear any responsibility.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 16:24

I’ve said it’s nithing to do with new partner.

I get and have never got maintenance.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 16:25

Sorry - do not get and have never got maintenance.

Not as much as a penny.

Zoomaa · 10/12/2017 16:29

i wouldn't take the partners money. I can afford to provide, luckily. The payment ex makes is, to me, less about the cash and more about him taking his responsibilities seriously as a parent.

I'd love for him to man up and pay for his child, but instead his parents have stepped in and are paying on his behalf. It's fucking pathetic.

zeezeek · 10/12/2017 17:08

This thread reeks of misogyny. It isn't the job of women to make sure other people's husbands toe the line. I've seen so many posters here baffled that their scumbag ex can get a girlfriend. It's not remotely baffling, you also entertained him didn't you

This.**

My husband had children with two other women when we got together.* As it was he supported them all financially and emotionally and still does; but it was something that didn't occur to me to police. His relationships. His children. His responsibility.*

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/12/2017 17:11

I’m thinking perhaps you have property? And need not pay rent/mortgage etc?

Ah, yes. Because of course I couldn't possibly have contributed to joint wealth during marriage, could I?

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 10/12/2017 17:13

Well yes, at 19 and my first serious relationship I thought my ex was lovely. Slightly different to a 30 year old woman who is aware social services are monitoring him due to past violent behaviour.

I'm not expecting her to police his behaviour - just baffled as to why she would have children with him AFTER he's proven what a feckless father he already is

Zaurak · 10/12/2017 17:15

My father did this. Wriggled pit of everything he could. Paid the absolute minimum then’forgot’ most months. Used to make the payment on a later date each month so he could skip a month.

I stopped seeing him as soon as I could - and now I have a child, his only grandchild, and he’s come crawling back with various sob stories. Bugger that. He will never see me again or his grandson. He loses

lalalalyra · 10/12/2017 17:16

My ex feels he shouldn't have to pay maintenance as our household income (DH's income basically as I'm a SAHM now) is higher than his. Before I met DH he felt he shouldn't pay as I had no rent costs when I lived with my Grandparents, whereas he did. The only reason he does pay is because he's in the military and they seriously frown upon anyone shirking their responsibilities.

His wife thinks they should be allowed to pay less because they'd like to have another child. She was genuinely surprised that the reduction he gets for having more children wouldn't be any more if they have a 4th child because "why shouldn't she have children if she wants them". She has absolutely no acceptance at all that HE can't afford to have more children therefore if she wants more children she'll either need to get a job, win the lottery or find someone else to have them with. It's like it's my fault they can't afford it.

I'm not baffled she got with him - he's attractive and he's very charming. I'm a bit baffled she stayed due to his attitude toward his children. I think her tune toward maintenance and the likes will change when they split up, which seems inevitable atm due to his twatty behaviour toward her.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/12/2017 17:17

So, it’s not misogynistic in any way to expect women to take full responsibility for the children they have created with another person? It’s our bad luck we had children with men who won’t support their children? It’s perfectly fine to stand by and watch this happen, shrug shoulders and get on with creating more children with these men? Why are we not advocating that these men also need to take responsibility?

OP posts:
unimagmative13 · 10/12/2017 17:24

A female family member of mine cut down her partners maintenance to his children. Then before they married cut the kids out.

My friend and her partner are considering her working and not him so that his 3 kids don't get any CSA

It happens a lot I suppose

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 17:26

The misogyny on here doesn't surprise me any more. The venom for single mums is palpable

Zoomaa · 10/12/2017 17:40

How is it misogynistic to wonder why a current partner is with someone who so obviously shirks their responsibilities?

When I got with my ex he'd never been married and had no children. I had no idea he'd be a shit husband and worse father.

His girlfriend, on the other hand, has seen it all clear as day and is still with him. She has had the opportunity to learn what kind of father he is and yet thinks she wants kids with him. Of course it baffling.

Ach you can kid yourself of anything I suppose. I'm sure he probably looks at my partner and wonders how he "puts up with me". Some people just bring out the worst in each other.

Still doesn't explain for me though how you can watch someone treat a child badly and still think they're an ok human being.

NukaColaGirl · 10/12/2017 17:50

My ExH doesn’t pay a penny, CMS have now bought Bailiffs in. He lives with his Sister, who is a single parent - she won’t allow her ex more than 1 night a week with their DCs As then her maintenance would drop - her ex pays her twice the rate CMS told him to because to him, it’s the right thing to do. She also frequently borrows (and never pays back) money from her ex. So with one hand she’s taking and with the other she’s actively helping her brother avoid paying for his own child - by denying he lives there (which has been proven now as he’s made 3 JSA claims from that address). She also knows he isn’t interested in seeing our DC because I emailed her copies of the mediation letters where he stated to them he was not interested and could not be forced into seeing DC. And she enables his bullshit on social media when he bleats that I’m a bitter ex Hmm His mother also knows all of this and she constantly buys him clothes, food, beer, fags, even took him abroad on holiday last year, whatever he wants despite him not providing a damn thing for his own children.

Fucking baffles me.

MorrisZapp · 10/12/2017 17:51

That was my whole point. It's misogyny to expect women to enforce men's morals. His kids, his responsibility. Not anyone else's.

I'm surprised the law isn't more robust, from this thread it appears that it definitely should be.

But expecting women to treat all new partners as liars until proved otherwise is a bit much, especially when you didn't make those demands when you first met him either.

No man is going to tell his new girlfriend that he's abandoned his responsibilities. He'll tell them a sob story. And they'll believe it, just as you believed he was a good choice to have kids with.

NukaColaGirl · 10/12/2017 17:54

EXsiL and I were very close before her brother walked out on me when I was pregnant, and was very braggy about how she manipulated her ex into always giving her even more money by lying about how much she earns to make him feel bad Shock

MuseumOfCurry · 10/12/2017 18:16

No man is going to tell his new girlfriend that he's abandoned his responsibilities. He'll tell them a sob story. And they'll believe it, just as you believed he was a good choice to have kids with.

You'd have to be either pretty dense or wilfully ignorant to be in a proper relationship with someone and not be able to tweak that they're not paying for their children.

Isn't it normal for people to want to meet their new partner's children and their other parent before they get serious?

Zoomaa · 10/12/2017 18:17

And they'll believe it, just as you believed he was a good choice to have kids with.

Well that's the most misogynistic thing I've read on this thread.

I don't expect my exes girlfriend to monitor his responsibilities. I don't expect her to do a damn thing. I expect him to live up to his responsibilities (well in an ideal world. In the actual real world I know he won't) and it's no ones fault but his if he doesn't.

I just don't know how anyone can find that attractive.

Givemeallthechocolate · 10/12/2017 18:21

I don't know how these women do it, my DDs Dad never paid anything until she was 3, then paid £25 a month for 7montbs sporadically. I eventually had enough of it and went to CSA,
He wouldn't pay, he then quit his job when money was supposed to directly be taken.
He then got another job, when payments were due to be taken again, he again lost his job.
He then moved not to pay. His partner had a lot to say, oh he was overpaying CSA, he was the best dad out there.
DD is 10 next month, he's paid £130 for her in her entire life.

There's no cards. Presents or anything. Haven't seen or heard from him for many years now.

He owns a caravan, has several holidays a year, has a few dogs, goes on plenty of nights out,

No idea how his partner excuses it. I'd personally have such disdain for such a man,

Alas- he pulls the wool over people's eyes, and he could say it was me, but he's done the same to another woman since.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 18:29

I don’t understand what it has to do with the woman? It’s his responsibility not hers

LaurieMarlow · 10/12/2017 18:31

Yes, but how could you have any respect for a man who shirks his responsibilities in that way?

lalalalyra · 10/12/2017 18:36

I don’t understand what it has to do with the woman? It’s his responsibility not hers

I do agree with that to an extent. And I also think many women don't know how shit their partners are to their exes and that's understandable as no-one truly knows what happened in a relationship.

However, what about after you know? My exes wife knows I had to get the army involved to get maintenance. She also knows he would drop a month whenever he was 'skint'. She also knows, because she agrees, that he wants to stop paying for the girls so he can afford another child. How could she find that willingness to just abandone his two daughters attractive?

BitchQueen90 · 10/12/2017 18:38

Lemon I don't really understand your point to be honest. You think new partners should have involvement in child maintenance arrangements? Because if a new partner of either myself or my exh tried to get involved in our financial arrangements regarding our DS then I'd tell them to piss off to be honest.