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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
December11 · 10/12/2017 13:15

My DD's dad doesn't pay maintenance, however for the last 4 years has been the one picking her up from school, doing homework, dinners, etc. It has worked really well for us all. He is now back in employment and we've agreed he will resume maintenance in the new year.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 13:15

Yellow that's a bit harsh. There are many reasons why some lone parents require benefits!! And many have paid into the system previously

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 13:16

They aren't though. Other tax payers are. Which makes them just as bad as a NRP who doesn't pay child support

Is this a joke?

One is a benefit to support the cost of living.

The other is abandoning a child.

Do you think elderly people on pension credits are also spongers?

lovemylover · 10/12/2017 13:22

There are also men who are paying a lot even when their ex doesn't allow them to see the children, or makes it very awkward, as happened to one of my sons, he was paying almost £200 a month for 2 children, but his ex made it very difficult for him, so in cases like that why should someone pay for children he cant see,
I am not suggesting the father doesn't pay, my son always knew his responsibilities, but rather that the mother should be forced to let the father see them on a regular basis,unless of course there are very good reasons like abuse etc
My ex only paid a week £5 towards my children, and he took me to court to have it reducedand he got it reduced to £2,i was disgusted, the magistrate said," you get income support so why do you need anymore" if I had got more off him I could have stopped the benefit and got a job
Mind you this was 40 years ago, no CSA then, but he had a very good job as a coach builder and good money, also by this time had moved another woman in,so had her wages too, but the court wouldnt take her income into account
Also I wasn't told by my solicitor that I could stay in the house until the children were 16,so lost out there too
I don't speak to my ex,and his sons don't either,

BitchQueen90 · 10/12/2017 13:24

Well Yellow maybe if the NRPs stepped up a bit more and helps with childcare and/or childcare fees, instead of it all falling on the RPs shoulders, there might be less people having to rely on income support. Because a lot of the time childcare for RPs is a major issue.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 13:30

Love situations like that (and others) just highlight how much the system is screwed. There is nothing that suggests the system is geared towards the needs of the child

corlan · 10/12/2017 13:31

My brother doesn't support his children financially and I never said anything because he will fly into an absolute rage whenever he is criticised in any way. I feared not being able to see my nephews and nieces again as contact was through him.
If you're enough of a low life to fail in supporting your children financially then you're likely to have other massive personality defects too - being a liar, being a narcissist, just generally being an arsehole. There will always be some excuse for these men as to why they don't support their children. It will always be someone elses fault.

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/12/2017 13:32

Lovemylover- do you honestly think “ almost” £200 for 2 children is sufficient?? Also , contact and maintenance are totally separate issues.

Tanith · 10/12/2017 13:44

Sounds like my brother. I have disowned him.

ElChan03 · 10/12/2017 13:45

oldbutstillgotit I think that almost 200 is completely dependent on his earnings and a lot more than many people get.
DP is supposed to get 30 a month for 2 children from his ex w but gets nothing. Almost 200 is princely in comparison to nothing.

At least he's paying! Can't say fairer than that especially when he's being denied access!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/12/2017 13:47

Cherry, pensioners are very different. Older age prevents people many from doing as much not to mention health problems are likely in old age.

Having children doesn't suddenly render a person incapable of working otherwise we would have no working parents. It's a choice to not work as a lone parent just as it's a choice to not pay child support. Both are equally as bad.

We've never had as much childcare that exists now or help with the costs via various means.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 13:50

Yellow are you deliberately being dense???

I'm now a lone parent on benefits - worked 50+ hours a week prior to that. Did you know that even applying to stack shelves in a supermarket requires you to be available for evening & weekend shifts? Please do tell me where I am supposed to get registered childcare from for that? Our childminders finish at 6pm - none do overnight or weekends. Tax credits will not entertain the cost of a full time nanny so I would be working simply to pay for the childcare to pay said Nanny.

But I choose not to work. Bollocks

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/12/2017 13:54

Love- That is only £25 a week or £3.28 a day per child.

That is not a lot of money.

stitchglitched · 10/12/2017 13:54

Please don't allow Yellow to upset you, they've been around for years under various names and hate SAHMs, anyone claiming benefits of any kind and women in general really. Their posts can be spotted a mile off and it's best to not engage.

Peachypie83 · 10/12/2017 13:57

My DP doesn't pay maintenance for his son but has him 3 nights a week and pays for all his clothes, school trips and haircuts etc. His ex is happy with the arrangement and I don't think less of him because he is a very involved dad

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 13:57

Oh it's not upsetting, more mind boggling that people have such dense ideas. I do hope people with similar thoughts never need to rely on the welfare system we have...god forbid they have to look in the mirror & project said thoughts on their own reflection 😱

becotide · 10/12/2017 14:05

"" why should someone pay for children he cant see""

Are you fucking serious?

If you were prevented from seeing your kids, would YOU cease to support them?

CHILDREN ARE NOT PAY PER VIEW

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 14:07

Legally maintenance & contact are two separate issues

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/12/2017 14:07

Peach, shared care like that is good for the child and the parents. Both get to share the costs and time equally. It should be the starting point in the event of a split.

Mustbe, there are plenty of jobs available that suit the hours of childcare. Just because one job didn't doesn't mean a person can decide to not bother to financially support a child.

Yes, anybody can have a change in circumstances and that's the safety net we had. However it's now evolved into a choice of not working or doing very little. Some will use it as it was meant, there for a few months whilst they gain work after redundancy and some see it as an entitlement and make no effort to come off benefits.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 14:12

Yellow please provide evidence to support your ridiculous statements. If you have a set skill or work experience history it is hard enough to get a foot in the door for a change in career. Without then adding into the mix 'oh but i need to be able to pick my child up at...'

It took me two years of being on IS to be able to find a job that worked around my DD. So in your narrow view I simply chose not to bother? Back that ridiculous statement up with proof please rather than slating single mums

Zoomaa · 10/12/2017 14:13

My DP does 50:50 and tbh it's definitely a part of the attraction. He's a great dad.

My ex sees DD once a fortnight, frequently not even that often, has no other input into her life and his parents pay the child support.

I have no idea what his girlfriend, who seems otherwise ok, is doing with him. Literally no idea what she sees in him. Plus if he's spinning her a line she must be wilfully blind as she was OW and knows all about what he did to us during the breakup.

I've concluded she just has really low standards.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 14:15

Slight aside from the main topic...PP's whose exes don't regularly see their DC's, how do you explain that to them? It's a huge worry of mine for the future, am always interested to hear how others handle it

MinorRSole · 10/12/2017 14:15

My ex only pays maintenance because csa forced him to years ago. His wife knows this
She also knows that he hasn't seen his children in 5 years (his own choice). She's gone on to have 2 children with him 🤷‍♀️

Elendon · 10/12/2017 14:20

I think those who pay the minimum in maintenance and then go on to have children with another person are the worst. They give the aura of someone who's a nice guy. Trust me, they are not! They are lying about past debts.

I ditched a guy who insisted in having two homes for his children, so minimum payment, and then when it came to university fees, insisted his ex was the resident parent. What? He is a high earner and then expected the tax payer to take up the extra load.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/12/2017 14:27

Something jumped out to me in the early stages of this thread.

You asked why he doesn’t pay and imo it’s because you did ‘well’ out of the divorce.

I’m thinking perhaps you have property? And need not pay rent/mortgage etc?

I think he feels justified in not paying.

He also does not pay because he is confident that you will look after the children adequately.

If you went begging and crying I’m sure he would help you out but that won’t happen to you because you are clearly able to manage your life well and prioritise the children