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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 18:39

I don’t. I have never been with anyone like that. As I said my OH has continued to pay towards and support emotionally and with time one of his DC well into adult hood due to SN.

it’s not my business that he does that and it’s not my business if he didn’t.

lalalalyra · 10/12/2017 18:53

I don't think a new partner should get involved in arrangements as such, but I think the fact that so many ignore the fact their new partner doesn't pay anything toward his child/ren helps make it socially acceptable.

My exes Mum gets grief from a few people because she has fallen out with him over his treatment of our girls. They are of the view that it's nothing to do with her. It's only between me and him, and that's an extension of making it easy to get away with. It should be everyone's bsiness when someone neglects their children, even if that neglect is purely financial.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 18:56

Lemon I don't really understand your point to be honest. You think new partners should have involvement in child maintenance arrangements?

All I'm saying is, when I met my DP, I wanted to know if he was paying maintenance for his DC, how much and how often. Knowing this information, I could then make a decision if I wanted a future with him. If he wasn't taking care of his children, I would've made a decision not to be with him(he was). I can't understand why a woman wouldn't check this out.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 19:00

Because if a new partner of either myself or my exh tried to get involved in our financial arrangements regarding our DS then I'd tell them to piss off to be honest

Forgot to say, there is already an agreement in place with your ex so there would be no need for anyone else to get involved surely? I'm talking about deadbeats who don't pay. As I said earlier, it seems to be the people on here who ARE receiving maintenance that seem to have an issue with other women having a say. OP is not talking about people who ARE receiving maintenance she's asking why partners of deadbeats think it's okay to abandon children.

lifeandtheuniverse · 10/12/2017 19:01

Elchan your comments have no basis. No one knows how many nrp mothers do not pay - so speak facts and do not show your bitterness.

I paid for my EX and his new DP to have a life they could not have otherwise afforded becuase he did not pay the maintenance her should have. I paid for him to support her DCS and not his own. Someone somewhere ends up footing the bill, cutting their cloth and that is usually the RP.

He has now left his new DP and she thinks the allocated CSA amount should go solely to her because I have survived without most of it for 4 yrs. Reality is she would get the least for 1 child he has 40% time. Where as mine, he rarely has ON and sees less!!!!

The more common scenario is Male not paying, we all recognise there are women that do not, there is no difference in th abhorrence. They are both equally shit positions to be in.

mishfish · 10/12/2017 19:03

She probably doesn’t know.

I wonder this about my ex’s new girlfriend- he has a child with one ex who he isn’t allowed to see (hasn’t tried taking me to court) and is nearing the end of a divorce after a violent assault. I wouldn’t touch a man like that with a barge pole but he’s probably told the poor girl about his psycho ex who won’t let him see his kid and psycho ex who cheated/beat him or whatever and is wiping the floor with him in the divorce. He’s probably telling her he’s skint because he pays £500 a month maintenance towards the child he’s not allowed to see when the reality is his wife who paid for and owned literally everything is divorcing him because he beat her and their dog up and he’s not allowed to see his son as a result of that, oh and he doesn’t pay anywhere near £500 a month maintenance

So very long winded... he’s lying

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2017 19:05

Why are we not advocating that these men also need to take responsibility?

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the NRP shouldn't pay maintenance. But that's not what we're talking about here. You asked whether partner of the non-payer should be held responsible in some way, either morally or otherwise. Seeing as that partner will more often be a woman, it could be construed as misogynistic, especially as it actually detracts blame and responsibility away from the non-payer.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/12/2017 19:17

You asked whether partner of the non-payer should be held
responsible in some way, either morally or otherwise

No. I asked if there were any circumstances under which it might be considered reasonable not to pay maintenance. I also pondered ew partners find non payment acceptable. I have also questioned why non payment is brushed under the carpet, considered something between the parents only, when perhaps the systematic abuse of children (because that is what it amounts to) should be the concern of all of us. Simply put, why is it socially acceptable not to pay maintenance? At no point have I suggested it is anyone’s responsibility other than the parent to actually pay the maintenance or otherwise support a child/children.

OP posts:
Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 19:19

It is not abuse not to pay maintenance.

thegrinchreaper · 10/12/2017 19:21

Two posters on here are on a completely different page to everyone else. Have they not read OP's post? Or the rest of the thread?!
No one has said that men should be treated as liars until proven otherwise. No one has said women should responsible for men's shitty decisions.
The question is why would any woman want to be with such a man. It isn't hard!

BitchQueen90 · 10/12/2017 19:24

Lemon I actually agree with what OP is saying. But a deadbeat will always be a deadbeat and I highly doubt a new woman on the scene would suddenly convince him to start paying child maintenance - and if they did, it doesn't suddenly make him a good person if he had to be persuaded by a new partner to pay.

Knowing how much and how often your partner pays maintenance doesn't mean you're involved with it. I'm sure my ex's DP knows how much he pays as they live together but she doesn't have any negotiation with it, that's between me and exh.

NukaColaGirl · 10/12/2017 19:24

I disagree I think it is financial abuse towards your ex and your child/ren.

Any NRP who refuses to pay is simply saying “my needs are more important than yours”

If I refused to buy my child food or clothes as RP and swanned around in designer gear whilst my child starved I would rightly be in trouble for abuse and neglect and it’s about time these deadbeats were bought bang to rights.

ScrabbleFiend · 10/12/2017 19:25

It is not abuse not to pay maintenance

It is if it results in a child starving or homeless, which many would if the government didn't step in to support those children, even then many RP's go without to ensure their children don't.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 19:27

I have gone without to support my children but that doesn’t mean I think that itis abuse that my ex didn’t and doesn’t pay. And its nothing todo with his new gf

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/12/2017 19:38

It is not abuse not to pay maintenance

How so? How can it be anything other than neglect? Assuming you are of working age and working (which is what I’m talking about), not contributing financially towards your child’s upbringing can’t be anything other than abuse/neglect, surely? You basically don’t give a shit whether your child eats, is warm, has clothing and books and toys.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/12/2017 19:39

New partner might be under the same opinion as the first partner. Many have more than one child with a man and don't seem to realise that they aren't father of the year material.

Lots wouldn't date a person who didn't pay for their children but many don't see anything wrong with it. If the parent themselves has no morals and isn't financially supporting their child then their new partner likely follows the same train of thought.

There's nothing attractive about a parent (whether RP or NRP) who thinks they don't have to work or pay child support so I'm always amazed that they don't stay single for long.

AnneElliott · 10/12/2017 19:40

I don't understand it either op. I have an acquaintance who boasts about not paying for his kids - I won't have him in the house.

I think people in general need to be more judgey about people who do this. My friends H walked out on her and her DS 2 weeks before Xmas. His mother had the OW round for Xmas dinnerShock

Now as much as I love my DS that just wouldn't be happening in my house.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 10/12/2017 19:41

This is something I’ve struggled with because my ex doesn’t pay maintenance, I am poor, and yet we’re still friends.

After a while I’ve come to see it from his point of view. He doesn’t earn much. He lives in a different country and has neither the time nor money to visit DS. I was the one that ended the relationship and although he was the one to move back to his home country he was extremely homesick here.

So I guess I see why he shouldn’t. But like I say I do struggle and my friends think I’m far too understanding.

But I don’t want the acrimony.

Micah · 10/12/2017 19:44

I always have mixed feelings reading these threads.

My dad left us with nothing. My mum was a sahm and in the 80’s there was no tax credits, just child benefit.

I had a friend who’s parents were divorced that used to moan about her dad’s child support and how her mum said it wasn’t enough. I used to bite my tongue that at least she still had two parents to support her.

I sometimes think that any parent that doesn’t have adequate life insurance in place should they die is just as bad a separated parents who don’t pay. Effect on the child is the same, if not worse.

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 19:47

But a deadbeat will always be a deadbeat and I highly doubt a new woman on the scene would suddenly convince him to start paying child maintenance - and if they did, it doesn't suddenly make him a good person if he had to be persuaded by a new partner to pay

I never said it would make him a good person if he suddenly started paying maintenance due to a new partner, of course he would still be a dickhead, that's really quite obvious. But at least his child would be getting something from him, even though he may have had to be shamed into paying up.

Anatidae · 10/12/2017 19:48

It is not abuse not to pay maintenance

I disagree. It’s abandonment. If I left my child with someone and refused to contribute to their upbringing leaving them on the street I’m pretty sure I’d be charged with neglect.
It’s damaging to the child not just financially but emotionally too. My father was a non payer and left us in poverty. I want absolutely nothing to do with him - he failed us completely as a parent. He’s made contact again deciding he wants to be a grandparent and frankly he can fuck off.

Non payment of maintenance needs to be a criminal offence. Wages/benefits need to be garnished at source for men who don’t pay. There need to be massive social opprobrium put on non paying parents.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 19:48

But why is any of that anything todo with the new Partner? Why is it her jobto shame him into paying

Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 19:49

@BitchQueen90

You're really steering off into a different topic, you're talking about maintenance in general here. Good for you that you receive maintenance. I also think you're being a little naive if you think your ex's partner has little say in your maintenance.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/12/2017 19:55

Where has anyone said it’s the new partner’s job to shame anyone into anything? The question is about under what circumstances is it acceptable and how do you, as a new partner, justify being with someone who doesn’t pay?

OP posts:
Lemonnaise · 10/12/2017 19:56

But why is any of that anything todo with the new Partner?

Because these women are enabling these men to abandon their children. It is not their 'job' to shame him into paying no, but if more people, new partners,family members and friends started voicing their opinions about this, then maybe the men would be 'shamed' into doing the decent thing.

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