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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/12/2017 12:30

Yellow.

Not all lone parents are on benefits and the ones who are are still using their money to provide for their kids.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:32

It absolutely is not. When my child is with my ex he feeds him. I feed him when he’s with me.

Both my ex and me go to work and support out child when they are with us.

If my ex isn’t feeding his child our child when he is with him then thatis neglect.

But it’s not my responsibility.

thegrinchreaper · 10/12/2017 12:32

No idea what cancer is on about.
Sisterhood, very well said!
Not sure why some posters are saying their ex's pay and see their children and therefore their finances are none of their business. That's way off topic.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:34

It is absolutely not the same and it does the cause no good to suggest it is and over egg that pudding.

thegrinchreaper · 10/12/2017 12:38

Cancer, why are you so defensive? No one is talking about your situation. It sounds like you have shared care and both you and ex provide for your child- great. This is about NRPs who do not provide for their own children and/or have limited/no contact with said children, and who therefore do not feed, clothe, keep warm, contribute to their children.

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:39

I’m answering the postulation of the thread.

I’m not defensive I just have a different view to the prevailing one on this thread.

BitchQueen90 · 10/12/2017 12:43

Yellow are you suggesting that a lone parent on income support is not providing properly for their child?

Firesuit · 10/12/2017 12:44

I should have read the thread more carefully before replying, I see now it was actual examples that were wanted. This is hypothetical, but how about if:-

  1. Paying child support would have no effect on spending on child or RP, because the RP could afford to fund all that spending out of investment income.
  2. The RP is so well off partly because of a divorce settlement which means they got refunded everything they ever contributed to the marriage, and got an extra amount on top.
  3. If RP works for ten years after the marriage, their lifetime earnings and years worked will match the NRP. But that ten years earnings, which will all be saved, will not be shared, leaving RP much better off than NRP. (RP is much better off even after paying child-related expenses.)
mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 12:44

Any NRP who walks away from their child & refuses to pay upkeep is most definitely akin to not feeding their child. Shares custody is totally different because NRP provides for the child when they have them!!!

MidnightAura · 10/12/2017 12:45

I briefly went out with a guy who didn’t pay maintenance for his DD. It was one of the many reasons I ended it. If he would do that to one child, he will do it too several.

I know one woman who boasts about how her DP doesn’t pay maintenance for his first child or take anything to do with her. I don’t understand that mind set.

gta · 10/12/2017 12:48

My partners ex won't allow him more contact as she will lose the maintenance, he's in court in the new year as she ceased contact completely , it's shit

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 12:48

If you are a NRP and you don't pay maintenance for your child you're a cunt and a bad parent. No exceptions. Yes that goes for people who don't see their children too.

The relationship with your ex is of zero relevance to how much your child costs to keep.

BIL doesn't pay maintenance, it's a massive bone of contention and I've had various run ins with him over this. Apparently he doesn't want his ex spending it on herself Hmm so he's allegedly putting the £50 a week he owes into a savings account instead. I've explained that maintenance is for maintaining, not for the children's future, but it falls on deaf ears. He's a cunt. And what's worse is he's a cunt who postures about what a great dad he is because he saves for his DD.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 12:50

I find people who don't pay maintenance always have some sort of excuse blaming the (female) ex, I've even heard people say they try to pay maintenance but the ex won't accept it. OK then 🙄 because it works like that. And people like some on these threads swallow it, because people automatically believe men over women

stitchglitched · 10/12/2017 12:54

Cherry I read a post on her once about a Dad who refused to pay maintenance and then when his children were grown he presented them with savings like a hero. The kids turned around in front of him and thanked their Mum for them because it was her struggles that had enabled it. I hope your BIL's DD does that!

MrsHathaway · 10/12/2017 12:55

I know of a situation where the NRP had a low and unpredictable income because of his disability. On their divorce he moved in with family and relinquished any claim to their (joint) house.

He paid no ongoing maintenance though did buy e.g. school shoes ad hoc. His contribution was effectively the half of the house she hadn't had to buy off him, and the mortgage she then didn't have to pay.

When he told me all about this I have to admit I thought it sounded a bit fishy, but as he really was skint at the time and spent every spare penny on the DC it was clear that his intentions were honourable.

(He is now the RP and neither asks for nor gets maintenance from the mother.)

As to the wider question in the OP, I honestly don't know. I find it even more baffling when they quote supporting a new partner's children as justification for not supporting their own - because they obviously realise what costs there are.

I would also observe that there are an awful lot of threads on Relationships describing unequal finances within a relationship. If a person holds tight to all their income while they're in a relationship with you, and expect all the DCs' costs to come out of your pocket, why the fuck would they change their tune once they've moved out?

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/12/2017 12:58

DGS’s Dad left DD when DGS was 3 months old ( not ready to be a Dad apparently). He has not paid a penny in maintenance since and DGS is almost 11. He has moved from job to job, been “ unemployed ( I.e cash in hand) and a spell self employed. Our MP got involved and we are now hoping that CMS will take legal action. Ex how has another family and his DP has told DD and me that DGS is nothing to do with her and she will not see her DC go without so that maintenance is paid. I despair .

Cancerisacunt · 10/12/2017 12:59

The question inthe op isn’t “is an nrpwho doesn’t pay for their kids a cunt”

The question is “how do you justify being with a non maintenance payer”

I see them as very different questions.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 13:00

stitch ha that's brilliant good for them!

His DD is 6 and she will soon see him for what he is I believe. I mean it makes me so angry, it's laughable that he thinks there'll be money left over from £200 a month for his ex to get her nails done. Considering she has to rent a 2-bed house as opposed to a one-bed (unlike him who lodges for a pittance and his DD sleeps in his bed when she visits), heat the house, electric, has, water etc, various clubs, childcare and food, it will cost far more than £200 or even £400 a month to raise her child.

I studied law at uni (didn't quite finish my degree but I still know my stuff) and he once offered to pay me for legal advice on getting custody of his DD. I refused on the basis that she's best placed with her Mum. It didn't go down well.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 13:01

The question is “how do you justify being with a non maintenance payer”

My answer is - I couldn't be with one as they're all cunts.

HTH

thegrinchreaper · 10/12/2017 13:03

Firesuit, sorry but none of those scenarios are even relevant.
Basically, if someone refuses to pay maintenance for their child, not towards the other parent's lifestyle, for their child, on the basis that the other parent has more money, then that is simply immoral.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 13:07

RP's income shouldn't come into it. Regardless of whether i earn £12k a year or £120k a year the cost of raising my DD is still roughly the same (okay if i can afford more clubs that alters things). People focus far too much on the whole 'i'm paying my ex' - wrong answer. NRP is contributing to the upkeep of a child they helped create. That means a roof over their head, food in their belly, clothes on their back, heat/electricity...just as pure basics.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 13:08

YY mustbemad the money is not for the ex it's for the child

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/12/2017 13:14

Yellow are you suggesting that a lone parent on income support is not providing properly for their child

They aren't though. Other tax payers are. Which makes them just as bad as a NRP who doesn't pay child support. Both are failing to provide financially leaving it to others to do so.

BalloonSlayer · 10/12/2017 13:14

Ex-stepfather moved in with us, had no money or assets. He earned well but was crap with money (drink!) and Mum had to be very determined to get a cheque from him as soon as he was paid for his keep. He had two DCs from his previous marriage and was frequently "having to go to court" about payments, increasing them or what I was not sure, perhaps non-payment. The kids would come to stay and would be dressed in awful too-small clothes, it wasn't because nice stuff would get left at our house because my Mum would make sure they were all packed up properly. The teenage me was puzzled as to why the DCs Mum sent them in such shabby clothes - eventually I realised it was an attempt to shame him into giving more maintenance. It must have been hard for my step siblings to come to our more affluent home, even though it was all paid for by my Mum.

They split up eventually (money!) but I remain very fond of him as, for all the above, he was a more present and affectionate Dad than my own was a lot of the time.

He is in poor health now and lives too far away to visit. I had a nice chat the other day with his ex-wife who has been looking after him. I always did like her but it was bizarre.

So, from a child's POV, I knew he did not do right by his own DCs but it did not stop me loving him. Confused

RavingRoo · 10/12/2017 13:15

Any man who doesn’t provide financial support to his kids is a dick. It’s a well known fact that dicks attract dicks - so it’s likely their new partners also don’t give a fig. They eventually get their comeuppance when the children being discriminated against start discriminating against them as they get older.

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