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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 12/12/2017 17:58

My db's ex left the country just before giving birth and named another man on the birth certificate.

I switch between thinking it's disgusting he pays nothing, and that it's fine as another man has effectively adopted the baby.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:01

MargaretCavendish. It’s not up to me to question or check upon what my husband does with regards to maintenance. That’s the responsibility of the CSA or CMS.

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:02

"So, in essence, you put your own dislike of his ex above the welfare of some children and you're happy to admit it? Nice."yep sadly not unusual.

Also Jessikita you have NO IDEA how he has behaved toward his ex and their children before you were on the scene, or even once you were.

I have never come across in real life anyone who doesn't want the ex to see the children without damn good reasons, neglect, abuse, harassment, endangerment...

And I'm not even inc not paying maintenance in that. Hell even though my ex is an arse I did all I possibly could to facilitate dd having a relationship with him, I regret it now because to be honest with hindsight I think she'd be better off not remembering him. Instead he basically abandoned her right as she was entering teenagehood which is a bloody tough time anyway.

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:08

Jessikita have you rtft? A

Also, you say 'the year I met my husband' the incident with the santa visit happened

1 taking children to see Santa is a very special thing that generally parents prefer to do themselves. Sounds like you massively over stepped, hell there's even been threads on here where people are pissed off that an aunt or grandparents have taken or arranged to take children to Santa.

2 you were taking them ALONE without their dad even - not normal

how long/well had you know the children, had you even met their mother at this point? How long had you been dating their father? At most less than a year!

If I were the mother in that situation I would not have been happy AT ALL.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:09

Nope I don’t know what went on their relationship before I met him. Nor do I want to know.

I do know how he behaved towards his children once I was on the scene.

When he had the children every Saturday night through to Tuesday morning (when he dropped them off at school) he was a really good Dad. Or at least tried his best. We had some really fun times.

But I repeat, it’s never been my job to check upon whether or not he pays maintence.

And after she that to me, when I wanted to take the children on a nice day out I wasn’t going to go out of my way to get involved in their financial matters.

Oswin · 12/12/2017 18:12

So you really are not interested in finding out if he's a neglectful non payer? A casual relationship is one thing but to marry someone and not even ask them is weird. How would you feel if you found out he was a neglectful scumbag? Would that change your whole view of him?

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:15

Graphista you sound like a bitter, twisted, wronged woman! In fact you sound like a total cow.

It just shows that women in my situation can’t win. If women aren’t interested in the kids then they’re berated, (you knew he had kids when you chose to get with him blah blah blah) when they make an effort they’re picked to shreds like now.

I don’t see the difference in me looking after them to her new partner looking after them or providing childcare.

She wasn’t bothered about the Santa visit at all. That wasn’t the crooks of it or why she had a problem. She had a problem because she wanted to last minute change arrangements and when it was explained he had to work but we were going out this came out.

I repeat it’s not my job to police whether or not my husband pays maintainence. I’m sure he does but I’ve never specifically asked.

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:17

Wow! The point I and others have been making THROUGHOUT the thread is no, it is not specifically the new partners JOB to ensure maintenance is paid BUT that someone who has decent morals of their own would be interested as it reflects the morals, the decency of the man they're with.

You've said Jessikita that you don't know what went before, so you have no idea if it was a long road until he behaved like a decent dad. In addition, most do want to appear to be decent parents to new partners so may suddenly step up where they haven't before.

My ex was on best behaviour when he first moved in with now 2nd wife but it didn't last.

You are refusing to consider the PoV of the mother and WORSE not considering how the children are being treated by you and your dh and how that makes what must be very young children, feel.

And yet you seem disgustingly proud of this Hmm

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:18

Oh you're an absolute fucking prize!

Those poor kids.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:19

Oswin, no I’ve never asked. We maintain separate finances. And after I was told that I didn’t go out of my way to “interfere.” He did provide all the clothing and school uniform for them on his contact day (as he should.)

His ex is very vocal and has never mentioned not receiving any money so I’ve gathered that he pays. But it’s not up to me to do the CSA’s or CMS’s job.

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:22

And I find it VERY interesting you haven't answered how long you had been in their lives at this point.

Had the mother even been consulted about this Santa visit at all? I find it VERY hard to believe she 'wasn't bothered'.

I actually get along quite well with dds stepmum as does dd, the shame of her dad being an arse is that she misses not seeing stepmum who was and is lovely to her.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:24

Graphista. We will have to agree to disagree.
I’m not the moral police. I assume he pays maintenance as in the 9 years we’ve been married I’ve never heard her have a go at him. But after she told me that her kids would be nothing to do with me, then why should it become my job to check up on what he’s doing with regards to Maintenance.
In fact you’re contradicting yourself. You just basically told me I’m a weirdo for wanting to take his kids to see Santa and but then on the other hand telling me I should be checking up on his other obligations! You seem to want it all ways!

If you didn’t want to hear different points of view, then you shouldn’t be on a forum that invites opinions or asks questions.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:27

And no the Mother wasn’t “consulted.” They both took the view (like Judge Judy’s) that when the children were with the other one, it wasn’t the others business ( of course as it wasn’t harmful, neglectful etc)

My husband’s view wasn’t consulted when she moved her new Boyf in within 7 days of them splitting up and he was providing childcare and bathing them etc so they both took the view that it was mutual.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:30

I’m not refusing to see the point of view of the Mother. I see it from her point of view. She told me her kids would never be anything to do with me, so I respected her wishes and don’t involve myself in her and my husband’s agreements. So it’s not up to me to check on her and his arrangements with regards to maintence.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:30

And I don’t need to answer to you how long I’d been in their lives.

thegrinchreaper · 12/12/2017 18:35

Jess you said 'I'm sure he pays' and 'I gather he pays'. In which case, this doesn't apply to you! You have no need to be angry or defensive.
Not one person has said you need to police your partner....according to you, no one needs to!

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:35

Are you serious? That's not what I said at all! Parenting of children with separated parents is very delicate and complicated. Each scenario should be carefully considered particularly with regard to long term effects on the children

You had only MET him that year, you were not stepmother at that point you were just dads new girlfriend, yet you saw fit to make arrangements without taking ANYBODY'S feelings into account.

As has been said repeatedly - many people feel that as a society everyone is responsible for ensuring children are cared for and not neglected or abused (and that includes financially or emotionally).

I think it's incredibly immature and sad that you've taken their mother reacting in an understandable way to dads new girlfriend overstepping boundaries as an excuse to not care if these children are being cared for as they should be by their father. I wonder if you've had children with him, if you wonder how he would treat them if you were to split.

And this :

he was a really good Dad. Or at least tried his best We had some really fun times.

Does he no longer see his children?

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:35

Yes though “poor” kids.

I’m awful. How terrible of me to go out of my way to try and make their lives nice when they’re with me and their Dad. How awful of them to have a step parent that goes out of her way to involve them and organise activities for them see and do.

The eldest child, who is 15 in January has lived with us since May 2015, so I must be doing something right.

Graphista · 12/12/2017 18:40

If the mother did do all that regarding her new boyfriend then that is very concerning too - but then you likely only have his word for that, and as I'm sure several on this thread will have experienced - it's not unusual for men to accuse ex-wives of all sorts.

This is similar to one of the accusations made against me by my ex, completely untrue and unfounded, I didn't even have any male aside from eg gas man even visit my home for at least a year after we split.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:42

Yes he does still see them. The eldest lives with us! I just meant it was more “magical” when they were little when I said we had some really fun times. They’re now teenagers with their own social priorities.

I didn’t overstep any mark. We’d made arrangements, someone rings in sick, hubby had to work. Rather than disappoint kids I wasn’t going to refuse to take them on my own and see them in tears. See you can’t win. I should have just cleared off with my friends and left them upset.

And as I said due to her behaviour with her new partner they’d agreed not to interfere with each other. It was her reaction to being told no to something.

The grincheaper I’m not angry in the slightest. I’m all for open debate. But yes when im attacked I’m going to defend myself im afraid...

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 18:44

Yes she did move him in immediately. I knew about it but he didn’t “accuse” her of anything. It was a simple matter of fact.

thegrinchreaper · 12/12/2017 18:52

Jess, sorry I just thought your original post sounded either angry or like you were trying to be provocative. It just made you sound like you engaged in tit for tat with the ex at the expense of the children, and have quite a low opinion of your husband tbh with your 'I have no idea if he pays, that's the CMS job'. Because you should know it shouldn't need enforcing, to be a good dad.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 19:02

The gincheaprr - no not in the slightest.

The question was asking how you justify being with a non payer. My point was due to various circumstances within individual situations you wouldn’t necessarily know whether or not you were with a non-payer.

I’m 99% sure I’m not married to a non-payer since we have lived together and been married for many years you pick up on certain things and overhear things of course.
But I’ve never gone out of my way to specifically interfere or police what he’s does or doesn’t do with regards to maintenance.

Jessikita · 12/12/2017 19:05

Sorry posted too soon...

And I provided an explanation of why I had chosen not to ask or interfere.

Emilybrontescorsett · 12/12/2017 22:04

Jessikita- your dh sees and looks after his dcs. He isn't one of the nrp the op is referring to and if he looks after his dc for half the week then I don't think he needs to pay maintenance. I could be wrong here.