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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:48

What?!

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:49

Is it just me or can anyone else see this poster for what she is?

MorrisZapp · 11/12/2017 18:52

A non dramatic, non woman blaming, rational human?

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:54

You're only other person, on this entire thread who is also a misogynist and who has also twisted others' words....hmmm....

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:55

You said exactly^^ what Kelly said yesterday aswell, hmmm

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:55

Where’s your societal responsibility
As a citizen to
Report and stop him

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:57

I'm not here to tell you my life story. Try and stay on topic for once.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:01

What are you on about?

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:03

I already told you, I stop him by not engaging with him. I just don't reply. It doesn't bother me. You can't legally enforce someone to stop being an arsehole. I work in the criminal justice system so I know what can or cannot be done, realistically.
I don't usually engage with arseholes but I made an exception for you.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:06

Thank you for jumping on my positive post about appreciating stepmums and turning it into a negative by going on about a shitty ex who fits the description of a deadbeat and has caused nothing but misery. You knew exactly what you were doing and you've been reported.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:07

So there’s only responsibilities to wider society when it’s non payment
Of maintenance ?

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:08

You're only making yourself look bad.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:08

Hold on.

You were the one who said she sat by while he texted you abuse.

That’s hardly
Positive.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:11

That wasn't the entire post though was it? I told you before and I'm repeating myself yet again since you can't hold info, I was replying to a post ABOUT stepmums so I gave my opinion and experience and there are two stepmums in my children's lives.
Just. Read.
You really, really despise women don't you? Oh yeah it's alllll about the money. Us mums don't care about anything else we just want all the money don't we. You're sad.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/12/2017 19:13

Where’s your societal responsibility As a citizen to Report and stop him

Cancer you agreed with my post about women being blamed by other women and being held to account for something that isn't their fault. It's not her responsibility to resolve the issues of someone else and if it helped her to ignore his messages rather than reporting it that is her prerogative. Victim blaming is unacceptable.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:14

Thank you show Flowers

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:16

But if we have a wider societal responsibility why doesn’t she? If I have to have it hypothetically if my partner doesn’t pay (hypothetically)
Why doesn’t she?

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:17

BecauSe it grinch can ignore the messages and that works for her in terms of engaging then why is it different for a new partner? I don’t think it is.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 19:18

No one said that. That's been reiterated now to you, so many times.
This has to end somewhere, so it will be here. To anyone who read through that, I'm sorry.
Cancer I hope you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 11/12/2017 19:18

Ive been reading this thread with interest and commented early on.
Now itS making me wish there was a "hide poster" button to stop derailing by obtuse goady fuckers.
What im going to do is pretend to myself that such a button exists and I recommend this to any interested persons here.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:20

Ok so make it that partners of useless men have a responsibility. And what if they dob’t want to report? What if they dobt want to do anything other than ignore the ex partner? Why is that different?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/12/2017 19:22

You're welcome grin. I recognised you were making a positive statement about your DS' stepmum which I think is a breath of fresh air to read, and it's clear you have see both sides of the situation with the other one as well.

This thread is so sad. It would be great if everyone could bring their experiences to the table and talk about things sensibly rather than i t descending into chaos. It happens to often on this board. Children ARE deprived of financial support on a day by day basis. As I said, it doesn't matter how much money the RP has - financial support can be put aside for the future if it's not needed now. All children deserve the love and support of BOTH parents if both are alive and well.

There are extenuating circumstances and each one is different but to say a parent can give emotional support without financial support (when they are actually capable of both) is literally short-changing the child(ren).

But none of the above is the fault or responsibility of anyone but the non-payer. Morally speaking I would really think twice about a person who gets with a partner who openly gloats about not paying (I can't imagine being with such a horrible person), but I don't think those situations are all that regular. It's much more likely that due to the stigma associated with not paying, non-payers are more likely to evade the stone cold truth and at the very least embellish things.

Ultimately it is not the job of women to be held responsible for a man's actions, and deep down I think that is what this thread is about. I know some people here would disagree with me on that but essentially I think as a society we are more comfortable with pinning the blame on a woman.

God I've gone on a bit there haven't I. Sorry.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 19:33

I do think that it’s imp[ortant that we see the future partners of these men as victims too every bit as myc as grinch is. I think it’s wron to blame them

Lemonnaise · 11/12/2017 19:44

But these men are never wonderful human beings that suddenly have a personality transplant the second they have children with their partners

I can assure you my ex DID have a personality transplant shortly after our DD was born. Affair, bullying me(him and the OW) after they were caught, cleared out savings we had and generally just acting as if some-one had invaded his body. The shock it caused to everyone who knew him/us was just off the scale. Even his own mother couldn't/doesn't recognise him. We had been together years, there wasn't one hint that he was capable of this behaviour.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 20:04

Back just to say: it's not about women being blamed (for the hundredth time), or being seen as victims.
It's about children missing out.