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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

530 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 21:09

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/12/2017 17:53

Except, you just judged me for having had children with my ex in the first place Kelly

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 11/12/2017 17:53

I wouldn't really count a couple dates as being in a relationship. So no I wouldn't expect to see bank statements and salary slip. Once you start talking about moving in together then it's time to be honest about finances and outgoings. I agree that it's usually easy to tell the deadbeat dads from the responsible caring ones. But some men are expert liars and some women too trusting. But the same goes vice versa.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 17:54

so It’s NOT just about the money.

Ok.

Judge this.

Parent who only sees kids for an afternoon every weekend. Pays minimal maintenance.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 17:54

Because a) your OH's son is a grown adult and b) you trust that he isn't a deadbeat father c) he doesn't boast about not supporting his child to anyone who hears d) his son's mother has never said otherwise to you in conversation, etc etc.
You're just trying to be clever with your bank statement argument. If you need to suggest you need hard proof your partner isn't a liar, then that's sad for you.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 17:58

My OH son has significant additional needs and will need on going support for the rest of his life

Stop being so nasty towards my
Oh

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:00

Nasty? What?!
(That is my last response to you.)
She is being goady.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:01

My OH son who you say is a “grown adult” has such significant needs that the term “grown adult” is meaningless.

happymumof4crazykids · 11/12/2017 18:01

My Oh saw his daughter regularly (2/3 times a week no overnight) rang her every day to find out about her day and say goodnight from the end of his marriage to about 2 years later. he paid maintenance and took her out every week for a meal and treated her to new things. 8 months into our relationship (1 month after his divorce was finalised) his ex wife told him his daughter didn't want to see him anymore. He tried everything he still rang everyday for over a year, she refused to speak to him. He went for meals with his ex wife and her partner and his daughter and was told she didn't want him to be her daddy anymore, her mummy's boyfriend was her daddy . His daughter finally told him she hated him he because he had left her mummy ( she had an affair and was still with the guy) didn't want to see him anymore because he was now living with me and I was having our 1st child.
Maintenance was paid for a further year and then she must have changed banks. Payments were returned (bank transfer on pay day). Her phone number has been changed and she's moved house. He's left it like that as she hasn't bothered to give him the new details even though she sees his mum every week. Maintenance money is now paid into his daughters saving account which will be hers when she is 18.
My Oh is an amazing Dad to our children and is fab with my 2 children from my first marriage. His situation with his first child does not and should never affect my reason for falling in love with him and being with him. I really don't think that anyone has the right to judge him without knowing all the facts.
Not all NRP not paying maintenance are horrible and want to punish their ex's some are being punished by those said ex's and unfortunately it's always the kids who miss out!

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:03

You gave the info. Fair enough, he has additional needs. But your OH provides. I have you pointers above as to why you wouldn't need to doubt him.
What is your point? How does this scenario relate to OP? Or any other regarding men to shun their responsibilities?!

ElChan03 · 11/12/2017 18:06

That's a really sad story happy however it is a very interesting contrast to pp in this thread and very worth hearing. Two sides to every story it seems!

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:08

I mustn’t be putting myself across.

So. My oh tells me he pays. But if his ex was to say he wasn’t. How would I know? When I was having treatment I paid minimim CM and saw the kids way less than 50/50 - as I’ve already said - the sisterhood slated me.

KellyBarclay · 11/12/2017 18:15

I apologise if it felt like I was judging you ohreally , that really was not my intention but I can understand why it may have came across like that. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to express that most of us have had relationships and maybe even children with men that in hindsight are bloody horrible human beings but at the time we didn't have strength or courage to call them out on their actions and ditch them. We shouldn't be judging these women, just laying sole blame and anger at the men.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/12/2017 18:22

This isn't about a sisterhood. This is about society looking out for children and I think everyone does have civic responsibility to do that. If someone willingly stayed with a person knowing they didn't pay child support I would be questioning their moral faculties and also how naive they are about this person in general. If someone has the means to pay child support but doesn't, why does their partner think they will be treated any differently in the long run? Also anyone who naively believes that the resident parent's circumstances make a difference - the resident parent could be a billionaire and the NRP would still owe maintenance, because they owe it to the child, not the parent.

However, I don't think anyone on here can talk about a sisterhood when partners of NRPs, whether new partners or stepparents, are routinely and persistently vilified. And that vilification is more often than not aimed at women. The amount of bitching on here about ex's new girlfriend...You're saying you can reads the signs of whether someone is a good parent or not yet when entering a new relationship you should be keeping your distance and not getting involved in that side of his life. To do so would be deemed inappropriate, stepping on people's toes, overstepping boundaries etc etc. So how on earth do we expect these women to get it right? Why are we focusing our anger on women who actually have very little to do with the real issues at hand, ie the NRP (who for argument's sake is a man) not paying? It's their responsibility to deal with this situation; it's not a new girlfriend's job to shame him into paying when she's supposed to be keeping herself out of it. What do we want these women to do exactly?

So no, there is no sisterhood and there will be no sisterhood so long as we keep pitting ourselves against each other.

happymumof4crazykids · 11/12/2017 18:24

@ElChan03 I think that no one really knows what goes on between two parents as both have their own views and stories. Also no 2 situations are ever the same. I just answered the op as honestly as I could. Smile

ElChan03 · 11/12/2017 18:27

Bang on showme!!! I agree with you wholeheartedly!

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:29

Showme I can only speak for myself but I thank god for my son's stepmother. She has taken on my son and treats him the same as her own. Son's father is a brilliant dad.
DD's father is a different kettle of fish. He shunned our daughter and refused to pay maintenance for 3 years, his partner knows this and has been present when he has texted me vile abuse. I'm indifferent towards her, sometimes pity her but nothing more than that.

KellyBarclay · 11/12/2017 18:31

Agreed ShowMePotatoSalad good post

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:32

Agree with ahowme

Thegrinch I am often present when my oh sends texts. They are not my responsibility. They’re his. Same for your ex. He shouldn’t be texting abuse. Take the texts to the police. Don’t blame a bystander.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:39

Cancer I don't blame her. Nice try- again 😂. It's not her fault. I said, and I'll repeat myself: I sometimes pity her for being with someone like that, other than that I have no opinion. I don't feel the same way about her as I do about my DS stepmother because I know that she is a fantastic woman who treats my son well.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:40

So why mention that she is there ?

I don’t understand why you would even mention her in that context.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:42

Because it's relevant to what Show said, you dense goader!
I was putting a positive point across about stepmums and how some of them are greatly respected by us mothers. I mentioned my other ex's partner because I've spoken about him throughout the thread. This thread which is relatable to me.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:43

Then why mention she was there when you were texted abuse

I hope the police were supportive and he was charged.

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:44

This thread is ABOUT feckless fathers and their new partners.
Fuck me sideways I'll comment as I see fit as long as it's on topic!

thegrinchreaper · 11/12/2017 18:46

No he wasn't I have no interest in pursuing a legal case against my dickhead ex or getting a non molestation order or otherwise.
His abusive texts didn't bother me. I just don't engage with him.
I love my daughter and she loves her dad so I want him in her life. It's not about me.
Satisfied now?

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 18:47

You aren’t going to engage legally
But you want other women to!

Wow.

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