To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

My oh says he’s paying
He provides support

Do I just believe him?
Or does he have to supply proof?

To be perfectly honest I wouldn't entertain having a relationship with any father who didn't have 50:50 custody.

Good for you. Other people wouldn't judge someone on something like that, but rather on whether they are considering what is best for the child, ie it may not be the best thing for the child to have 50/50 split time between their parents. The parents may have come to another agreement that is equally if not more beneficial for the child depending on their individual circumstances. You're making an (unfounded) assumption that a parent (either mother or father) who does not have 50/50 split is not a good parent.

Alexa what would you do if your partner and his ex changed their agreement and he started having his kids less than 50% of the time? Presume you would automatically leave him?

What about me? When I was ill my ex had the kids more than 50/50 so my OH should’ve left me?

I had one woman at work proudly tell me her husband had set up a business which paid her in dividends to evade payong more to his ex wife n kids. I never socialised with her again.

Also I do think it's interesting how a new partner would quite rightly be expected to keep his/her nose firmly out of family business but when it comes to maintenance we are expecting them to know all the details and if they don't they should make it their business to find out?

Alexa I am a female NRP. I pay maintenance but can only see my daughter once a month. Does that mean my partner should think that I am a 'deadbeat'.

I used to judge people as I have been an RP for many years but now I realise how damned hard it is being an NRP, and have subsequently looked at my own behaviour historically due to the shoe being on the other foot.

I try not to complain about my ex but it is bloody hard when life is sometimes made more complicated by them.

I would dump a bloke who asked on date 1 if I got maintenance and how much it was and could I show him my Bank to prove it

So would I cancer as would I anyone asking if I pay it. Not their business. Not their business until you move in together and join finances. Neither is the contact arrangements, etc. Obviously should be discussed before moving in together.

It upsets me that people make judgements without knowing the full facts. I can't make parent evenings, swimming galas, dance recitals, choir. I hate the fact I can't but I have to work to provide for my eldest, and my daughter who is not resident. There are NRPs who do the best they can but feel they are judged for it not being enough without knowing why these circumstances arise.

I work in an office with 4 of us are nrps. All trying our hardest, and only 1 of us has a good relationship with the rp.

Cancerisacunt.

Why are you on a thread arguing with posters about none paying NPR’s and their partners when you say your partner is not one of those?

What’s the point?

My OH knows I don’t get maintenance.

What can he DO about it?

I say?

Fuck.

How do I know? The op says that people dating NRPs are supposed to ask and get proof. And I think that’s wrong.

My oh night by lying after all. I’ve never seen evidence.

Cancer square root of fuck all?!

To be perfectly honest I wouldn't entertain having a relationship with any father who didn't have 50:50 custody.

Which is lovely in theory.

but many nrp simply can’t afford appropriate accomodation to start with. When the rp usually stays in the family home, and you are paying 25% or more of your take home in child support, finding the money to buy or rent another family home is all but impossible for most.

My dh was staying with his parents when i met him. No deposit for anywhere, and living in the se his only real choice for his own roof would have been to move away, and then he couldn’t get them to school etc...

Cancer the OP said no such thing

Well if you don’t see bank statements then they might just lie ...

Well if you don’t see their Bank they might just lie

Sorry for double post

Well cancer, he could make an informed choice not to date or have sex with your ex

My oh is having sex with me. Why would he date my ex? Tbe tnreas talks about societal responsibilities- my oh is society so responsible

I agree with pp who have said you can tell a good parent straight away without having to interrogate them what their financial contributations are towards their children.
I also agree that if a new partner is involved with a family as the general expectation is for them to keep well out of family matters, parenting etc then they shouldn't get involved with maintenance agreements. Especially if those agreements were in place before they net the new partner. However life generally makes those assumptions harder to play out and new partners finances and dp finances invariably become linked. At that point new partner continues to have no say and will then be expected to pay their way towards the DSc. I assume they continue to have no say in family matters once this occurs.
I do think that people on this thread have very judgemental views as to what constitutes a good nrp. I would of thought that emotional support and whatever financial support they can possibly offer within reason is acceptable. I'm sure there will always be deadbeat parents in the world but sometimes they are still deadbeats even when they pay support and see child regularly and sometimes a good parent might not be able to afford lots of maintenance or have loads of time for access that's practical for the dc or work. Being a parent is hard and I have a lot of respect for lone parents. My mum raised and paid for me fully and I love and respect her now and provide for her whenever I can.
I know my comments previously were not acceptable or perhaps relevant to some parts of the post. But that's my thoughts.

El you put it so much better than I did.

Thanks pulling I don't think anyone can penalise someone who is trying their best by their children. But there seems to be a lot of conflict as to what someone's best constitutes as. I hope and pray every day that dsc s dm comes around to seeing her dcs. I don't care about the maintenance and I've paid everything I have for them. I just want them to see their mum.

It's hard not to be judgemental of the nrp when you're the one left holding the baby