To ask how you justify being with a non-maintenance payer?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I realise I will be accused of being goady but that is not my intention. I ask the question in all seriousness. If your partner/brother/son/nephew/friend (and female equivalents, of course) and you are aware that no maintenance is paid towards the upbringing of children, what is it for you that makes that OK?

My ex has moved in (again - 4th time!) with his girlfriend recently and she seems perfectly reasonable and my kids really like her. But the fact remains that as a self employed businessman, he pays no child maintenance whatsoever. It has not been an issue - I earn OK and my children want for nothing, but the bitter taste it leaves and the sense of injustice is difficult to shake. I suspect she doesn’t know, and that he has sold her the ‘perfect father’ vs. ‘crazy ex’ story which she has no reason to question (or chooses not to question).

So, under what circumstances is it reasonable?

Then cancer I don't understand why you wouldn't ask. Why it would NEVER come up in discussion. Even if you never asked I don't understand if you're living with someone would you not know if they see their kids properly, are involved in their lives and that includes paying maintenance.

Most of the time their attitude to their children, their ex is obvious. I personally could not be with someone who

A doesn't see their kids, pay maintenance, had a poor attitude to their kids

B didn't discuss something so important and a major part of their lives with me

To be perfectly honest I wonder what the situation is with your partner and their kids and think it's quite possible you're just burying your head in the sand

Graphista do tell me what you’re wondering. I’m all ears.

I said what I was wondering, what IS the situation with your partner and his kids, but it sounds like you neither know nor care

What about the situation about my oh and his kids do you specifically
Want to know ?

Why do we need to bite at each other? Most people are trying to do their best by their children. Some people aren't. This is emotive. Add into the mix nrp and rp view of the other without being in posession of the full facts; or indeed being entitled to know certain full facts (which is right, especially when it comes to finances) and its a recipe for disaster.

I am genuinely jealous of people who have a good relationship with their ex and work it well for the children because it is the best thing for the children to have a good relationship with both parents and their wider family. It is a shame that some peopld clearly cba. What can you do? My friend said once 'you can't help the stupid' and whilst that is a mild statement in relation to people who are not interested in their childs welfare it is true.

Cancer the point I was making was you said you haven't been in a position where you have asked. Whereas I and many others on this thread have said that we do ask and are interested.

I can't imagine NOT asking/being interested, it says a lot about what kind of person your partner is.

Again as I and several others have said I couldn't be with someone who was a deadbeat.

You seem very defensive.

The whole premise of the thread is why do people stay with deadbeats, if you are with a deadbeat then you are perfectly placed to answer the question.

My partner has told me he supports his now adult child with both money and time.

I have taken his word for that. I didn’t ask - it came up in conversation. Should I be expected to get him to show me his bank statements? I believe him. The money involved is fairly high in my view and given that the child in question is well over 18 then it’s over and above his legal requirements. So that’s why i believe him.

I see the evidence of the time he invests in said child on a regular basis.

When he says he’s taking the adult child out. Again. I believe him

What more should I do? Make him prove this? How?

My partner is very far from a deadbeat.

Take that back and apologise.

Of course you’ll weasel out on the “if”

I do not consider it my business to check beyond what he tells me.

He’s paying accommodation for one at university. I haven’t checked. Should I be ringing to get the uni to confirm?

Why is his support or lack of for his kids my business?

I must say I'd find it hard to be with somebody who tried to wriggle out of supporting his own DC's either financially or giving them time. And I wouldn't necessarily believe what they said.

Vivienne how am I supposed to know? Seriously.

Should I be asking to see bank statements ? And at what point in a relationship? Date 1? Date 4?

Your very first question on the thread - a thread which SPECIFICALLY asks why people would be with a deadbeat, "why is it her business?" A question several of us have answered - it's not her 'business' as such but personally (and I'm clearly not alone on this) I would want to know if the person I'm with is a decent person, a big part of being a decent person if you have kids is being a positive part of their lives.

As has also been said - her business if she is directly benefitting from him not paying maintenance too.

I agree it is a societal responsibility to make being a deadbeat socially unacceptable. And the new partners are part of society.

I also heartily disagree it's not abusive to not pay maintenance as a pp said its both emotionally and financially abusive.

As for when - date 1/2 for me, if they have a problem with that in my experience it means they're a deadbeat and I don't wanna see them again. Whereas the decent dads are perfectly comfortable describing how much they love their kids and would do anything for them - and showing that.

No apology then.

^ exactly this

To Graphista obvs

What is she supposed to be apologising for?

And date 1/2 I’m supposed to ask them and get proof? By god I wouldn’t be happy to give that info to a 1/2 date I may never see again.

I agree it is a societal responsibility to make being a deadbeat socially unacceptable. And the new partners are part of society.

How many new partners will have access to the ingoings/ outgoings of their new boyfriend or girlfriend? Even if they ask a direct question, ie "do you pay maintenance and how much?" which is an unlikely discussion in the early stages of any relationship, the non-payer could just lie.

How do you make people responsible for something they may have absolutely no clue about?

They aren't responsible!

But for christs sake it's EASY to tell a good dad from a shit one.

My DP has 50:50. He goes to parents evenings and the nativity. He gets frustrated with his ex sometimes but he doesn't do the "crazy ex" spiel. He does homework and supports learning. His kids are clean and nicely dressed, he cooks them healthy food. He plans fun things to do with them.

Unless you are WILFULLY blind how can you not pick up on this stuff?!

The op isn’t talking about contact / care. It’s specifically about maintenance being paid.

The two tend to go hand in hand. If your DP isn't doing the above I can fucking guarantee you he isn't paying.

To be perfectly honest I wouldn't entertain having a relationship with any father who didn't have 50:50 custody.

I think it's usually just because the man is an entitled, selfish arse

And Cancer even he is is paying, if he isn't doing the things I outlined he's no kind of man.