To really, really, really dislike having to buy presents for people.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

Not just at Christmas but birthdays, anniversaries etc. I do buy them but get I'd rather not have to bother. I dislike receiving presents too. I've done the 'let's not do presents this year' to be met with 'oh we have to do presents, just a little thing yes?'

Noooooooo!

I fully accept I probably ABU and a massive misery but it's the whole expectation thing.

what is an "excellent present"? There's so little that I actually WANT that I can't see it somehow

Exactly. I do all my reading on my kindle and no-one would know which books I have or already read or want to read. Very few people know that about another person. I don't want actual books because I can no longer get comfortable to read them. I like to read on my paperwhite in the dark.

I see no point in buying hobby related presents because to get it right, you have to specify the item and once you have done that, the recipient might as well just buy it themselves. Otherwise they have to put up with something that may not be exactly right in terms of fit and features if the giver chooses.

I don't particularly want toiletries because I want to choose my own. I already have loads of handcream. I have loads of gin and fizz because I buy it when I see it on offer. I even have some chocolate for me already because I saw an offer. I don't drink very much or eat much chocolate so I have plenty to see me through most of next year.

I might get myself something from Hotel Chocolat if there is a good sale on but it pains me to see that the entire Christmas range will go to half price on Christmas morning before most presents are even exchanged.

I would rather buy myself something from the Christmas sale, usually in the shop on Boxing Day . DP and I have started quite a nice tradition for us where we go out early on 26/27 December and have a browse in the sales before the shops get too busy and pick up a couple of things half price. We will also have breakfast or brunch while out and have a nice morning together.

It seems that a lot of the argument for presents for adults is from people who like shopping and see not exchanging presents as them being denied the chance to go shopping. Why should it be about you?

I want to choose my own things and buy them when I see them or when I need them, not tie them to a few specific days a year. I stocked up on fizz when the Nectar points double up event was on and when I had a money off voucher for M&S. I don't want to miss out on that 'to wait until Christmas in case I get some then'.

If I see something that I need at a good price, I buy it there and then. I don't want to risk it selling out so I can ask for it for Christmas

The Moneysavingexpert No Unnecessary Presents Pact sums it up perfectly.

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2009/11/10/is-it-time-to-ban-christmas-presents/?_ga=2.80449808.66719655.1512886810-1760007378.1430132676

Or perhaps it would work better if no-one bought presents for other people, but everyone bought themselves a present. You'd still get to go shopping and choose something, set the budget and everyone would get exactly what they want.

They'd be no angst about not receiving a present or not liking it or it being totally unsuitable and you'd still get to show it off and talk about it with friends and family -

'What did you get for Christmas MIL? Well I got this lovely scarf and some gin, what about you DIL? 'I got something from Hotel Chocolat in the flavour I like and this top that I like and is the correct size'.

My dh’s present this year is some earrings from where we lived in Canada that I have made into cuff links for him. They have a sentimental meaning and I know he’ll be delighted. Last year I bought him a back scratcher which he uses daily as he was forever asking me for hard back scratches.

Posted too soon. Last year I got my parents a guide to Rome and € to have a nice dinner as they had mentioned they were planning a weekend there in the summer.

This year, they had some postcards from a bar in Barcelona we used to go to but they got lost and they were really upset. I’ve managed to track some down and have them framed.

I’ve also got dh an egg thing you put in the water which changes colour when your eggs are soft boiled as he loves a morning egg but keeps overlooking them.

None of these have required much actual ‘shopping’ so the theory that I’m selfishly enjoying going round the shops isn’t true.

I'm all for buying my own present, I've already bought the Lindt balls that I like when they were half price at Waitrose. DH has ordered himself a couple of things of Amazon he wants and I have bought myself some new clothes. DS will get what he wants in the sales and we will pay for it,when he visits over Christmas he buys his present online or in the shops.

Yes, and as a pp mentioned, I too spend all day thinking about other ppl. A lot. So it's a bloody chore spending my very limited time all winter thinking about and buying Christmas presents for ppl outside my immediate family. That's on top of planning the festivities themselves, my work, dcs, school plays, after school activities.....
and I think it's true that my family don't really know each other's likes well enough. From mid November my parents etc are calling to ask what to get sh and the dcs. I don't fucking know! I'm trying to think what to get them myself. And it's quite an expensive business
I tjink I would prefer a tradition of small, edibles or something, but that's not good enough is it?

But don’t thoughts for gifts just pop into your head throughout the year? I never really sit and think about it. I agree if someone is a pain I wouldn’t spend ages wracking my brains. I also spend my whole life thinking of others. Which is why it’d be nice if someone thought of me.

Yes mrskoala I actually quite spontaneous gift -giving.
It's the stress, at an already pressured time of year to choose and buy (and advise others what to buy) that I find a PITA

I love buying gifts and wrapping but HATE receiving.

When everyone is watching you and wanting a big fuss. I feel uncomfortable with that, but then, I do suffer with anxiety.

I like to open them in my own time and this leads to arguments every year. My birthday is very very close to Christmas, so I always feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Yanbu. My sister and I have a £5 rule - makes thing much easier. A colleague asked me what I was hoping to get for Xmas, and she was a bit when I said "nothing - I've got everything I need or want". Not being smug - I simply can't think of anything.

I hate buying for adults other than DH and even he can be hard work at times.

How's this for a "thoughtful" gift, send DH into my perfume drawer and decide on his favourite perfume. His favourite is no longer produced (hint on my perfume usage) So he tries again. A massive bottle of same perfume is then gifted.

Gifter thinks they've given a really thoughtful gift. I'm thinking I hardly wear perfume the first bottle has been in the drawer for years (like most of the others). What would you do with it??

Pissing myself at "lit up faces".
They are pretending. Just so you don't feel awful at having spent a load of money on shite.

Agree with you OP. It's a waste. I think about that poor skinny polar bear in the news today and I don't want to be involved in wastage.

Actually I like giving gifts, but as PP pointed out, part of the fun is in the shopping that I'm doing so is it really as generous as it seems? A present should be about the receiver, and as a receiver myself I can say I prefer not to get anything.

Last year my dad got me a book he had read and thought I might like. I had got him the same book because I had read it and thought he might like it! So between us now we have four copies of this book we have already read.

My mum always buys me cat related items because I love cats. Now I do love cats, in the sense I have a pet cat who I love. Not in the sense that I like every tacky cat ornament out there to be in my house!

The above two stories show how gifts can be "thoughtful" and still be a waste.

Next time someone's face 'lights up' on opening a gift just look at the eyes....... nothing there, no joy to behold

I’m fed up of exchanging gifts too. Ran out of ideas years ago and frequently receive tat that never gets used or goes to the charity shop. It’s so wasteful and it annoys me but any attempt to say let’s not do presents this year is met with “oh just small ones....we must do small ones”. I resent it. Bah.

Oh Piewraith you have hit the nail on the head, We love dogs so people buy us dog magnets, dog statues, trays with dogs on them...I love dogs not things with pictures of dogs on them!

This happens year after year and I resent it.

I always wondered about all these 'thoughtful gifts loved by the recipient'.

As the only polite response is to say 'thank you, it's lovely' even if you hate the item and send it straight to the charity shop or otherwise give it away, how do you know which gifts really are liked and which can be taken or left, or actively disliked by the recipient?

Sausages - well I suppose we do cheat a bit by giving each other wish lists, so if there are nice things that I'd like that I wouldn't normally buy then I'll put it on my wish list. I'm also quite easy to buy for I guess as I love a lot of consumerable things, fancy bubble bath, fancy chocolates, jazzy socks, etc, there are loads of things that I would consider to be an excellent gift...last year I got underwater headphones and some gold earrings and chocolate and bubble bath etc and was v happy with it all.

YANBU. We’re giving it a miss this year and our family are okay with it (apart from DH’s mum who keeps saying she’ll still get us little things). We have a tiny flat and a baby on the way and there are no other children in our family. Feels so good to know we’ll all save time, money and space this Christmas and just enjoy each other instead, good food, time off work, Church services and the magic of the season without so much material focus.

Well, I've certainly had adults hand presents straight back to me if they are really wrong. Very painful at the time but actually mildly helpful as I did know finally when I got it right, also it probably led me to the current situation of banning adult presents outside immediate family and grandparents.

And cos my family know which brands I like, that I would never ever pay for myself, my face does genuinely light up when I unwrap a jo Malone something, or a Nars something, because for me those are real treats and they know that.

Yanbu. I have a large family as does my DH. Having to think of two gifts per person per year is not fun at all.

MrsKoala - the guide to Rome would annoy me somewhat, as not all guidebooks are the same and I would want to choose my own - it's part of the fun of organising the trip!... The Euros are a nice idea - means they get to spend it on what they like and don't need to get as many euros themselves.

The fact is, however thoughtful, unless you ask someone what they actually want, you always run the risk of getting something they already have, something that is not quite what they always wanted so now there is no point them getting what they always wanted because you have given them something less appealing or useful, or something they don't need or like. Occasionally, you may strike gold and get them something they love but never realised existed or was possible, or something they always wanted but never felt they could justify getting for themselves. If you ask what they want, then you at least have the pleasure of knowing your gift is wanted and needed, but may be aggravating in asking if they don't actually feel they need anything at the moment (or nothing cheap enough to ask you for) so have to rack their brains to think of it. It's far easier to get the genuinely pleasing presents for kids, because they are younger and haven't seen it all before. Presents just for the sake of it are tiresome - people show me they love me by spending time in my company, talking to me and going out with me, I don't need a present every birthday and Christmas to know someone loves me and is thinking of me. Presents that are spontaneous, because you saw something that made you think of a close friend and knew they would love it, are fun to give and receive, but the grind of Christmas shopping for a list of people who always do presents because that is what people do, is pretty hideous.

Annandale I think handing gifts back is really rude.

Where would make most use of a bottle of perfume? Charity shop or food bank?

All families are different. All relationships within families are different. Here's an insight on the 'children only' present buying in on DHs side of our family:

There are 16 over 18s in DHs immediate family - that's his parents, his siblings, their spouses a few grown up DCs and their long term partners. Then there are 8 kids - majority under 10.

All of us have a couple of adults we are close to (ie actually speak on the phone or meet up occasionally), but we are not all close by any means. No actual fall outs but we all live spread around the country and are only all together about twice a year. One of the times is for xmas and it's the day we give presents to the neices and nephews.

''Excellent'' or ''well thought out'' presents for 12 or 13 adults you don't know that well on a tight budget? No. It was always just a baylis and harding fest with a few pairs of black socks and dodgy ties thrown in for the men. MIL panicing about what to buy who. Everyone wondering how much had to spend. Think how it used to add up! 10 to 20 quid on 16 people.

The no more presents for adults announcement was a god send! We don't buy for the adults and it works well. It's fine. We all hug and kiss and have a good laugh and watch the kids open their pressies.

Back at home if husbands and wives want to exchange a gift on the day we do that too. But this mass gift giving has gone and it's great.

Well my parents have never bought guides and wander round places aimlessly then complain that they missed all the best bits. Every single time they say ‘next time we’ll get a guide’ and never do. I, like you, like to plan my own trips which is why that wouldnt be a good present for me. But that’s the point. It was right for them. They wouldn’t have bought it for themselves and they said they saw so much more with it. I also sat with them looking at the map of the city talking about places I’d been, and when they got back they showed me places they’d been.

I know everyone on the internet seems to think they know more about your loved ones than you, but maybe those of us actually present and who know them are more capable of assessing whether they really like the gifts.

(Adds that everyone hates their presents regardless of what you think, to the MN list of; every one thinks you smell and talks about you behind your back if you haven’t showered today, all husbands are watching porn no matter what they say and everyone apart from you hates your children)