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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF friend or AIBU?

990 replies

SilverBirchTree · 07/12/2017 00:31

We recently cleared out a family attic and found an antique object that is associated with a profession (think fireman's helmet/doctor's bag/judge's gavel etc). We looked it up online and saw they sell on eBay for between £150-350.

A friend of mine's FIL is retired from this profession and his hobby is researching its history. He has even self published books about it. He is a lovely man who I see about twice a year. He lost his wife a few months ago so he has been in my recent thoughts.

It is such a marvellous object (beautiful with history and craftsmanship) we decided we'd rather see it go to someone who would appreciate it, rather than sell it.

I asked my friend if her FIL would enjoy it. She responded that he would love it. When I dropped it off at her house, she and her husband said something about wrapping it up and making it their Christmas gift to their FIL. I was Hmm because it wasn't really from them, but whatever.

Today I saw on Facebook that she has put the object for sale online. Shock I messaged her a screen shot of the ad with the message '???' She wrote back 'hey, u gave it to us! I'm going to use the money to buy everyone a Chrissy present, not just [FIL]. We showed it to him and he enjoyed looking at it and taking snaps. Time for someone else to enjoy! :)'

I am so annoyed! She's correct that I gave it away- but I didn't give it to her to sell!! I feel like demanding that she either return the object to me or at least give me the money from the sale.

She's a good friend otherwise, but the kind of person who is always hunting for a bargain or a freebie. It was fun at uni but getting a bit tiresome today!!!

AIBU or is my friend a PITA?!

OP posts:
pinkblink · 08/12/2017 13:01

So, report her to eBay.... is this the new cancel the cheque?!

usernamealreadytaken · 08/12/2017 13:02

OP I hope you are at home cradling your now returned antique ram castrator family heirloom.

Maybe you should contact some local restaurants and let them know CF and DH of CF are already married... CF will laugh so much when she doesn't get a freebie at the next "proposal" Grin

ptumbi · 08/12/2017 13:04

OP - I can see what will happen here. The CF will sell it privately, for $$$. You will never see it again. You will be mildly annoyed for a few weeks, then CF will be all nice.

Meanwhile, you have paid for their lovely christmas.

By New Year, all forgotten.

(Except by thousands of MNers who will have their Xmas spoiled by the sheer frustration...Grin)

Tiredmumno1 · 08/12/2017 13:05

Of course pinkblink, cheques are so last season HmmGrin

FizzyGreenWater · 08/12/2017 13:06

All you have to do is post the listing here and a hundred people would be happy to message her with a Question-

'Just curious as to why this hasn't been returned to your lovely friend! Give it back, or we report your item. Best Regards'

usernamealreadytaken · 08/12/2017 13:10

YYY^

MurmmersShow · 08/12/2017 13:15

Oh wow! Yes yes yes. I'd do it.

MadMags · 08/12/2017 13:18

The OP seems oddly reluctant to resolve the ongoing problem, with the ongoing thread...

TathitiPete · 08/12/2017 13:25

Its after midnight in Australia (depending on where in Australia OP is of course. It more might only be half past nine!)

MadMags · 08/12/2017 13:25

But you can report it at any time!

AhNowTed · 08/12/2017 13:26

@MadMags

It looks that way from the outside, but this is the OPs life and her DH is friends with the CFDH. So I understand the reluctance to go nuclear.

But yes for gods sake by whatever means Get The Item Back!

Blink66 · 08/12/2017 13:32

RTWT!!

I did - it is only conjecture that FIL didn't accept it and then give it again as a gift back to her. Completely unacceptable morally, but once you give something away, it's given away and nothing will change that.

Get the police involved, it will go like this.

  • I gave away X to this Y to give to this other person Z, Y is now selling it
  • Thank you, but what business is it of yours if Z gives it to Y and sells it - you've lost nothing, and as you admit its not your property
  • I don't believe Y gave it to Z
  • We have received no complaint from the owner Z

So, the only thing you can do is contact Z and if they choose to make a complaint then that's fine, otherwise it's also fine.

It's shitty - but nothing can be done.

GreenTulips · 08/12/2017 13:46

Totally disagree!

If Sarah have me £20 to pay back Tina and Sarah said 'Oh I didn't need to be paid back' The money still isn't mine!! It belongs to Sarah if Tina didn't want it!!!

Blink66 · 08/12/2017 13:52

GreenTulips - your correct if that is what happened.

But if Sarah said, thanks for the £20, but here have £20 as I don't need it - then that's no different to giving an unwanted Christmas present to someone else.

So, how do you know which scenario happened?

GreenTulips · 08/12/2017 13:54

It's still belongs to the giver -

And we do know because CH DH said they were going to wrap it up as a gift to FIL so he wouldn't know about it until he had opened the gift

Mia1415 · 08/12/2017 14:02

I can't believe that I have read all 8 pages of this thread and you still don't have it back OP!

Another vote here for reporting it to ebay.

wibblywobblywoo · 08/12/2017 14:07

Another vote for not trusting the DH of CF to get the item out of her clutches and back to you - your DH (or you) need to get round there and stand there until item is handed back to you.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 14:15

By giving up on it, you're complicit in her thinking it's okay to thieve. That's what she is, a thief. She needs reported to Ebay and FB. STuff the FIL, you just get it back now and fuck her off. She's a thief. There's a long thread on here, on of the CF ones, but this one is about people who go beyond that because what they're doing is theft.

crazycatgal · 08/12/2017 14:17

Are you always this much of a doormat?

Lemonyfuckit · 08/12/2017 14:21

Like the other people on here, I too can't believe you still don't have it back! please please both of you go round there to collect it and insist they hand it over. If they won't, you have to contact eBay and/or police! Like everyone else, I am so furious on your behalf. Have they not even considered the fact that, aside from the very lovely thought you had that her FIL would enjoy it, they are basically trying to steal / sell and keep the money something that I am presuming, reading between the lines, belonged to a now deceased relative of yours, and that that in itself is shameful?

sonjadog · 08/12/2017 14:22

Grow a backbone. This is why she is your friend - she can walk all over you and you will bleat faintly and do nothing.

TheEgregiousPeach · 08/12/2017 14:30

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but woman the fuck up.
Your CF will not close the eBay auction and you're going to lose your item unless you get round there and sort it out.
Don't send DH as he did a piss poor job of getting it back. Yes the CF's DH appears embarrassed but the upshot of that appears to be nada. You still don't have it back and the listing is still up.

DingDongDenny · 08/12/2017 14:31

I don't think the 'grow a backbone' and 'don't be a doormat' comments are at all helpful.

I think the OP has handled it very well - she has been clear, polite and non-compromising.

At the end of the day its more important to retain your dignity than get the item back. Although I have high hopes the OP will do both

sonjadog · 08/12/2017 14:41

Letting someone walk all over you is not retaining your dignity. In any way at all.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/12/2017 14:59

At the end of the day its more important to retain your dignity than get the item back.

See this nonsense is the reason cheeky fuckers and bullying shits continue doing what they're doing. Because people are always told "retain some dignity" or "keep the moral high ground" - what a crock.

Do I want some misplaced sense of superiority over another person because I'm not a thief? Or do I want to get the valuable item that belongs to me back? I want to get my valuable item back. Fuck the moral high ground, or dignity.

Not doing anything is not "retaining dignity" - it's turning a blind eye to theft and being a total doormat.

Seriously, some people need to cowboy the fuck up and stop letting people treat them like shit.