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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?

309 replies

Juliajuju · 06/12/2017 20:37

Fiance and I have recently got engaged and have been deciding on wedding arrangements. We've not long bought our first home, meaning that most of our savings have been spent for now and although getting married is very important to us, having a large impressive wedding is not.

We are both keen to marry by next year and we've therefore decided on a low key church ceremony with family only (50 guests), followed by all of us going for a meal at a nice small restaurant nearby, which as confirmed they are able to host a private dinner for us all.

As much as we'd love to pay for everyone, on top of the other wedding fees, we simply can't afford to pay for 50 lots of three course meals and drinks. We've come up with the idea of asking guests to pay for their own meals rather than giving us any wedding gift of any kind.

Upon mentioning this to DF's parents, they were horrified and felt this would be the height of rudeness. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MudCity · 06/12/2017 21:48

Reduce your guest list to what you can afford.

Or, instead of a meal, do a buffet or afternoon tea.

Fifty guests is not a small wedding.

LoneParenting101 · 06/12/2017 21:55

Personally I don't see it as any different as someone saying "We're going out for a meal to celebrate XYZ, would you like to join us" in which case you'd be expected to pay for your own meal. Like a Work's Christmas Meal/Anniversary Meal etc. Unfortunately, people see Weddings as a free meal and probably always will. Time for a rethink. Hope you get it sorted x

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 21:59

'People who are genuinely close to you both and genuinely love and care for you both will not see a problem with joining you for a nice lunch at their own cost.'

That's a horrid way to think, because what it leads to is people being guilted into paying when they cannot afford it. You see it all the time on here. It's the same with 'give us cash for gifts', people feel pressured to give more than they can afford. Not a nice way to treat your guests.

Appuskidu · 06/12/2017 22:02

You can’t afford the sort of wedding you want: invite fewer people or save up longer.

Do you want people talking about you as ‘that tight-arsed couple’ for the rest of your days?!

Viviennemary · 06/12/2017 22:05

Basically you can't afford to feed people and want them to pay for themselves. Just scale the wedding down and don't do this. It's just awful. If you can't afford to invite 50 people and pay for their meal then Invite the people you can afford to pay for or save up a bit longer. Or invite only a few people for a meal and the rest to evening buffet. Hopefully you won't be asking them to pay towards that. It's even cheekier than asking for money instead of a present.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 06/12/2017 22:06

OP OP where are you????

Seriously, take the advice on here. Don't do it! I can see how you are seeing it from the inside, but from the outside it will be seen as at best tacky and at worst grabby.

There are some really good ideas from PP on how to have an affordable wedding with 50 people whereby they contribute but in a less obvious way. Or you cut your cloth and have either a smaller wedding or wait and save.

I had a big wedding at a country house and had to assign rooms and get the dosh off guests for their rooms in advance (didn't realise in advance fyi). Chasing people who had confirmed they were coming and wanted to stay for a cheque for their hotel room (it wasn't allowed for them to pay direct) was the absolute worst part of my wedding. Soul destroying! Don't get involved in cash for your wedding please!!

Starlight2345 · 06/12/2017 22:06

I have nothing to add..Only posting to see OP response

SingingSeuss · 06/12/2017 22:09

Yes you are being unreasonable. If you can't afford to pay for 50 dinners don't invite 50 people. Why not just invite parents and siblings?

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 06/12/2017 22:15

No, Harry no!

Asking guests to pay - AIBU?
waterrat · 06/12/2017 22:16

Its not really the expense that Makes it a bad idea - after all weddings are usually expensive to attend - its just that it undermines the cultural point and significance of weddings in most cultures

Traditionally families invite friends and family and host them in order to celebrate - for me rhe whole point about a wedding is jn fact to be a host and give people a nice meal and party.

If you cant afford it I agree with people saying a bring a dish buffet is a much nicer way to deal with that issue. I just dont think you can invite people and ask them to pay..its then no longer really what a wedding is about.

peanut2017 · 06/12/2017 22:19

Yes you are absolutely, 100% being unreasonable. Don't get married next year if you can't afford it.

ShiftyMcGifty · 06/12/2017 22:19

A dinner with 50 people isn’t a meal out at all. It’s an admission ticket with dinner included.

Get married. But don’t tell me I have to come celebrate that and pay for the honour too.

peanut2017 · 06/12/2017 22:21

And no response from the OP...hmmm🤔

FrancisCrawford · 06/12/2017 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peanut2017 · 06/12/2017 22:23

And first time posting 🤔🤔🤔

AlmostChristmas · 06/12/2017 22:23

OP, where have you gone?

I'm assuming she feels she's been 'told' she's BU!

As a past poster said if a guest has to pay for their meal they are most definitely not a guest!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/12/2017 22:23

Point being what?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/12/2017 22:24

To peanut,point being what?cant be bothered all the checkin up of posts

Motoko · 06/12/2017 22:26

Doesn't look like the OP is coming back. Seven pages of people telling you that you're being unreasonable must be pretty embarrassing.

A church wedding for 50 people is hardly 'low key', and expecting guests to pay for a three course meal and drinks, on top of all the other expenses is unreasonable, especially if they come as a family with two adults and assorted children. That would cost a lot more than they would probably pay for a gift.

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/12/2017 22:34

Really depends if people are travelling, contributing in other ways, having to pay for hotels ... I sort of think that you owe them hospitality. If they are local, maybe choose a cheaper option if you want everyone there to help you celebrate. Meal for no more than 12 then a party where you could get away with a buffet / finger food.

if you want folk there to help you celebrate at a meal, maybe ask for a contribution towards cost AND no wedding gift

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 06/12/2017 22:37

Op personally I wouldn't mind at all, a meal would probably be less than I'd pay for a gift, more fun and less hassle for me!

MadMags · 06/12/2017 22:38

OP just disappears? Weird.

Whitecurrants · 06/12/2017 22:41

I’m amazed that anybody would think this U at all. In some cultures it’s considered compulsory to give money for the wedding - how is this any different? I’d be quite happy to not buy a gift and chip in my share of the meal instead.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 06/12/2017 22:42

Oh hadn't thought about kids. I'd probably do a 'kids eat free' by paying for their meals. Then it gets more complicated.

Although I wouldn't mind at all, I think you'll run into all sorts of complications and awkward situations, especially as its family and some families seem to go out of their way to be offended!

GrandDesespoir · 06/12/2017 22:42

Personally I'd rather pay for a meal than trek across the country carrying a fucking quiche. Hmm

It does make sense if you don't want/need presents, but it's a bit unorthodox I suppose.