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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to share our Xmas bonus with BIL and MIL?

181 replies

Cumulus1984 · 06/12/2017 14:16

DH got a new job with a wine merchant earlier this year. As a Xmas bonus, employees have the option to purchase a year's supply of wine: 52 bottles for £52. The wine retails for £20 a bottle.

DH mentioned it to MIL and BIL, who immediately went OOOH! and wanted to split it three ways (17 bottles each). Then they had a chat about who they could give the bottles of wine to as Xmas presents... one for my work colleague Sarah, one for my neighbour John, etc.

I was seething when DH told me because it's OUR Xmas bonus! I don't mind giving them a bottle each for Xmas but I don't see why they should have a third each, or why they should give away our bargain wine to their colleagues and friends who are complete strangers to us! And then when we run out of the nice stuff after a few months we have to spend five times as much on cheap wine to last us the rest of the year.

They've asked a couple of times when THEIR wine is being delivered. I've told DH to tell them it's our Xmas bonus and he's happy to give them a bottle each as a gift but we want to keep the rest to last us the year. But DH insists he can't refuse to share because it's rude and I'm being selfish. I pointed out that BIL receives a cash bonus from his employer and he isn't sharing that with us, so I don't see why we should share our bonus. AIBU wanting to keep our Xmas bonus for ourselves?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 06/12/2017 23:14

But it's different if you all share and it's pre agreed

Only one person sharing isn't fair

KeepServingTheDrinks · 06/12/2017 23:25

52 bottles of very decent wine would be a bloody good night, though!

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 07/12/2017 15:03

Op’s husband is out of order, not his family. He offered to share, reasonable of them to say yes. He should have spoken with OP first.

curryforbreakfast · 07/12/2017 15:05

I was seething when DH told me because it's OUR Xmas bonus!

It's not yours, it's his. You're complaining about them saying what happens to it because you want to say what happens to it.

If I were your DH I would tell you all to sod off and drink every single bottle myself!

BlackEyedKid · 07/12/2017 15:12

Breathtaking cheek! 😮😡

geologyrocks · 07/12/2017 17:44

Did you speqk to your dh op?

Ropsleybunny · 07/12/2017 18:32

curryforbreakfast

I couldn't be in a marriage like that, every man for himself and sod you if you don't like it!

Spadequeen · 07/12/2017 18:35

No fucking way would that happen I’d give them a bottle each but why should they benefit from this, you aren’t benefitting from bil bonus. If he mentions it again just laugh and say haha good joke

Chapellass · 07/12/2017 18:38

Are they going to pay the tax he pays on this non cash benefit as well? ...

curryforbreakfast · 07/12/2017 18:41

I couldn't be in a marriage like that, every man for himself and sod you if you don't like it!

Neither could I. But then I couldn't be in OP's either, where one spouse tells the other what they are allowed to do, and over-rules them with their own family.

chestylarue52 · 07/12/2017 18:51

Your dh told you about this conversation, you weren't there? Are you sure it happened exactly like that and he didn't offer then backtrack when you were enraged?

Fwiw it's just wine. Life is short. Family is important. Let it go.

gressingham · 07/12/2017 18:55

A £20 bottle of wine is a great Christmas present and it would cut down your Christmas spend. My cousin used to work for a brewery and he had a monthly allocation of alcohol as a employee perk which he saved up and disbursed as gifts at Christmas. No-one called him a cheapskate and was more than happy to receive a bottle or two a gift.

Point out to your DH that it would be really awkward to set a precedent for all his future wine bonuses and you can clearly use those bottles to offset Christmas/birthdays/special occasions requiring a gift. They can't have 2/3 of his bonus, the CF's!

timeisnotaline · 07/12/2017 23:00

Dont worry curry, if you were most people's dh I imagine you'd have been told to sod off long before. Any relationship where one person looks after the children (op does) and the other earns the income, the income should be shared. Including bonus.

Pengggwn · 08/12/2017 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 05:38

"Any relationship where one person looks after the children (op does)"
I thought the op worked? Still think these things should feel shared but I'm fairly sure op has a job

BadLad · 08/12/2017 06:06

I'd just a bottle to my brother-in-law and a bottle to my Dad if I or my wife got this bonus. The rest of it would be for us.

curryforbreakfast · 08/12/2017 09:08

Any relationship where one person looks after the children (op does) and the other earns the income, the income should be shared. Including bonus

Not for you to say what all couples should do, is it?

I've told DH to tell them it's our Xmas bonus and he's happy to give them a bottle each as a gift but we want to keep the rest to last us the year. But DH insists he can't refuse to share because it's rude and I'm being selfish

He wants to share some of his bonus with his family. OP thinks she can tell him no and tell him what he is allowed to do. That's controlling behaviour and if he was telling her what she could share with her mother you'd be screaming what a bastard he is, and you know it.

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 09:14

The op works

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2017 09:25

To be precise, it's not so much 'he wants to share it' as 'they made it clear they expected a share and he doesn't feel comfortable saying no'.

curryforbreakfast · 08/12/2017 09:27

You don't know that!

People here are so arrogant, they think they can read the minds of people who don't even post, they are just described by a biased party. Don't be so silly.

Animation86 · 08/12/2017 09:32

If this was money (which effectively in a roundabout way, it is) then you wouldnt share it, so ehhhh NO

curryforbreakfast · 08/12/2017 09:34

It's not money.

WilyMinx · 08/12/2017 09:36

I'm very close to my in-laws so would be happy to do this for them, but then, I highly doubt that they would never ask this of us.
I think gifting them 3-5 bottles each to give away for Christmas is generous enough. Maybe tell them you want to sell the remaining bottles as your husband is not receiving a cash bonus?

MrsKoala · 08/12/2017 09:41

If DH told me he was going to share some of his wages with his family i wouldn't be happy. That is for our family. I don't think it's controlling to say I don't want us going without so other comfortably off people could get more money (and it does mean more money for them as they will be saving the money they would spend on wine).

All our money is pooled and we agree jointly what we do with it. The fact it is wine is a red herring. It translates as money in reality to the OP.

And at 'you aren't going to drink 52 bottles in a year' type responses. That's 1/2 a bottle per week! 3 small glasses. Hardly AA territory.

crisscrosscranky · 08/12/2017 10:19

I haven't read the full thread because I got to 52 bottles being classed as a year supply. 😱

Your DH's employer is being very unreasonable - that's six four months supply in this house.

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