Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting to share our Xmas bonus with BIL and MIL?

181 replies

Cumulus1984 · 06/12/2017 14:16

DH got a new job with a wine merchant earlier this year. As a Xmas bonus, employees have the option to purchase a year's supply of wine: 52 bottles for £52. The wine retails for £20 a bottle.

DH mentioned it to MIL and BIL, who immediately went OOOH! and wanted to split it three ways (17 bottles each). Then they had a chat about who they could give the bottles of wine to as Xmas presents... one for my work colleague Sarah, one for my neighbour John, etc.

I was seething when DH told me because it's OUR Xmas bonus! I don't mind giving them a bottle each for Xmas but I don't see why they should have a third each, or why they should give away our bargain wine to their colleagues and friends who are complete strangers to us! And then when we run out of the nice stuff after a few months we have to spend five times as much on cheap wine to last us the rest of the year.

They've asked a couple of times when THEIR wine is being delivered. I've told DH to tell them it's our Xmas bonus and he's happy to give them a bottle each as a gift but we want to keep the rest to last us the year. But DH insists he can't refuse to share because it's rude and I'm being selfish. I pointed out that BIL receives a cash bonus from his employer and he isn't sharing that with us, so I don't see why we should share our bonus. AIBU wanting to keep our Xmas bonus for ourselves?

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfRa · 06/12/2017 14:51

Maybe your Dh doesn’t want 52 bottles of wine lying about and is happy to share the opportunity to buy it with his sibling? It wouldn’t especially bother me. It’s not as if it’s helping keep a roof over your head. It’s only wine! And I love wine, so I don’t say that lightly Grin.

tiptopteepe · 06/12/2017 14:52

YANBU if you give them any its as a gift not a 'share'.Very ridiculous that they would feel entitled to something that you have essentially worked for. Does he send them some of his wages each month?

Namechangetempissue · 06/12/2017 14:55

Split it in half then -best option all around.
You get your 26 bottles to do with as you wish, be that gifting or drinking or splitting with you family. He gets 26 to divide as he sees fit.

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/12/2017 14:55

No. No. No. He's just got this job so you can say that he's not eligible for this staff offer (my own company gives certain incentives after 3 months then others after 6 months probation). Or just be honest and say you're gonna keep them for you guys as it's the only bonus he will be getting. Tell him straight up that you're keeping them.

itshappening · 06/12/2017 15:00

YANBU but it is between you and your DH, not you and MIL/BIL. He is the one unwilling to say, actually sorry we can't now, which would be perfectly reasonable. BIL and MIL perhaps don't see it as money because they may not be expecting that if you don't have the wine, you will pay full price to replace it. If they don't drink much, I mean. Still a bit cheeky of them, but if they were told yes by your DH you can't blame them for following up.

diddl · 06/12/2017 15:00

Would you easily drink all the wine, Op?

I'd happily give maybe a couple of bottles for Christmas & bdays & still feel that there's plenty left.

" But DH insists he can't refuse to share because it's rude and I'm being selfish."

That however is the problem.

And they obviously know or they'd be asking if he'd be willing to sell them a few bottles for the price he paid.

RhiannonOHara · 06/12/2017 15:01

if we're sharing with family then my parents and sisters should also be entitled to a share!

Have you told your DH this? I imagine not; and I imagine he might change his tune pretty fast if you do.

YANBU at all. MIL and BIL are greedy twunts and your DH is being silly.

BabyOrSanta · 06/12/2017 15:03

The most CF part for me is that MIL and BIL don't even want this wine all for themselves!
They want to give it away to people for Xmas - spending £1 but having people think they're spending £20.
Plus, it's not even in their grubby little mitts yet and they've already given it away...

There's also the part that OP's DH will have practically given away loads of wine costing £1, only to have to buy more wine throughout the year at a higher price... does he not realise this? If it had a shorter shelf life then I could understand but, wine?...

sausagefumbler · 06/12/2017 15:06

We had a very awkward discussion about my bonus with parents!

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2017 15:07

And the fucking cheek of your MIL and BIL presuming that because this comes from your DH's 'side' of the earnings, then it's basically open to them. But not your side of the family.

I suggest that this is the tack you take. Be angry. As you say, it's your family money. Your joint bank accounts. Suddenly, when it's free gifts coming from those funds, only HIS mum and brother are eligible? What does that make you - a second-class part of the partnership?

I suggest you TELL him to tell them that it's not going to be possible. That it's the only 'bonus' coming into HIS FAMILY COFFERS this Christmas, that you share family funds, and if it was going to be shared with wider family, the start point would be, by the sound of it, at least six or seven ways to take in the OTHER side of his wider family.

I'd be more insulted and angry at this aspect of it than anything else tbh. Joint money? Joint family funds? Not when MIL clicks her fingers, though?

Lose your shit - quickest way to sort this.

BishBoshBashBop · 06/12/2017 15:10

Lose your shit - quickest way to sort this.

Yeah 'coz doing rmthat always ends well Hmm

Eatalot · 06/12/2017 15:11

Wow cheeky fuckers. Put your foot down op. You dh is being a pussy and needs to stand up to his family. They basically getting you to pay for gifts for family.

RestingGrinchFace · 06/12/2017 15:11

But it's not like you are going to drink 52 bottles of wine anyway surely? They are of course acting very entitled but I don't think you have any right to tell your DH not to give part HIS bonus to them if he wants to. It would be one thing if it were money that you needed for your family then I suppose it would be fair game to view it as belonging to both if you but in this instance you are being oversebsitive-unless there is a wider context that is missing.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 15:15

I'm guessing that someone in the wine trade is probably a fairly regular wine drinker - just a hunch - so 52 bottles might not go that far. I know that, by Mumsnet standards, this makes them a raging alcoholic on the verge of a death in their 30s from cirrhosis, but loads of people in real life, and most of France, drink more than a bottle per family per week.

iboughtsnowboots · 06/12/2017 15:16

It you share your money it isn't his bonus, it is your shared bonus and therefore giving two thirds of it away needs to be agreed by you both. If you are giving to family then of course your family needs to be included in the split.

GeminiRising · 06/12/2017 15:18

But it's not like you are going to drink 52 bottles of wine anyway surely

What?? It's only an average of one bottle a week! Of course you could do 52 bottles! Grin

OP I'd definitely be taking the tack that if MIL and BIL are entitled to a share so are your parents and siblings. All or nobody.

Goldenhandshake · 06/12/2017 15:20

Tell them they can buy it for £15 a bottle Grin

Iwantamarshmallow · 06/12/2017 15:21

It's your DHs christmas bonus not yours! If he wants to share it then that's his choice not yours...

i can see why you are annoyed but as slothmama says its not ''OUR'' bonus its his bonus. I think maybe your just as bad as Mil and Bil.
I feel sorry for your DH

Doggymum88 · 06/12/2017 15:21

Can your DH tell them that the wine is delivered on a weekly basis? It wont sound such a good deal then if they can't give it out as xmas gifts and only get a bottle once every 3 weeks?

Of course he shouldnt have to as it is his and yours bonus not one that anyone can just assume is theirs to have a part of!

mum11970 · 06/12/2017 15:24

I don’t even like wine and I say no way in hell.

KinkyAfro · 06/12/2017 15:24

iwantamarshmallow wins the award for the most cuntish response

WineAndTiramisu · 06/12/2017 15:24

I have to laugh about the couple of posters saying "why would you need 52 bottles of wine?!"
At a bottle a week I would call that below average alcohol consumption for drinkers, especially drinkers that work with wine! Grin

liquidrevolution · 06/12/2017 15:25

No way would I share that. And I don't even drink.

As a PP said if your finances arer shared then your DH has to listen and take your views into account. If it isn't then theres not much you can do as its his choice.

Suggest you also offer some to your DPs. And maybe neighbours as well. Why keep it in the inlaws?

RhiannonOHara · 06/12/2017 15:26

Can your DH tell them that the wine is delivered on a weekly basis?

Can't he just be a grown-up and tell them it's HIS bonus and wtf have they been thinking talking about how THEY will spend it?

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 06/12/2017 15:26

It's not rocket science. Works like this.

Employers' turnover is £X million each year. They need to make a margin of Y% to stay in that business or they would be better selling paint. So in the budget they have have allocated £Z,000 for staff costs. Of which your DH package is £H0,000 per annum. Except that, £H0,000 comprises of £H9,000 cash and £H1,000 wine.

BIL works for paint company. The paint company have their own budget except BIL gets a package worth £H0,000 per annum all in cash.

This is not a freebie. It is part of the salary.

Swipe left for the next trending thread