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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my colleague’s house for dinner?

331 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 07:49

I’m two months into a new job where I share an office with a male colleague. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage but he seems like a nice bloke. We get on well and have not been in a social situation.

His partner works here too but is currently on maternity leave. She called in with the baby unannounced yesterday and attempted to engage in a long conversation which was a pain as I was really busy. She was asking lots of questions and I got the distinct feeling I was being ‘assessed’.

The conversation ended with her inviting my husband and I for dinner at their house and completely cringe-worthy PDA with my colleague as she left.

AIBU to not want to have dinner with two people I barely know just so she can make I don’t hit in her partner?

OP posts:
NoCanoe · 06/12/2017 13:27

I'm in bed with a virus and the posts here are making me feel even more woolly headed!
I too, like other pps, have seen the advice to a suspicious wife/OH....invite her to dinner, check her out. And yet when a wife does that and the colleague picks up on the (Not so ) hidden agenda and feels uncomfortable, the colleague is slated for fancying herself too much and being rude to a poor woman who is just being friendly!!
You can't win!
Personally, I think you can always tell when someone is making small talk and asking questions out of politeness and friendliness. And when, for some reason, it seems a bit 'off' and your antenna goes up.
I think OP knows the difference and has picked up on being checked out.

KingLooieCatz · 06/12/2017 13:33

The weird behavior here is inviting someone round for dinner within minutes of meeting them, especially when the meeting didn't involve some remarkable coincidence or meeting of minds and sense of humour e.g. we're both totally into the same hobby, can talk about it for hours on end and rarely meet anyone with the same interest.

In 20 years of a working life I have never been invited for dinner until not only have I worked with someone for a number of months but also we have established a connection.

Crackers, really odd behavior. it does sound like she's sounding you out and I also wonder if she's the poster off the other thread a few days ago. Don't think that poster was on mat leave though.

I wonder if she herself poached off him a previous partner in the workplace, to add a layer, maybe the previous partner was on mat leave at the time.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2017 13:39

I think a vague perhaps after Christmas would be the best thing. I probably wouldn't want to go either if I didn't know them very well. . But I think an outright refusal would be a bit mean. I think it is a bit quick though since you've only been in the job for two months. But there will be lots of people who would love these invitations but don't get them.

greendale17 · 06/12/2017 13:43

**She has a sense of humour

You sound like you lack one

I'd decline then you won't spoil their evening**

^This. Of course the OP probably thinks that any man that talks to her is trying to hit on her

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 13:46

Really greendale, REALLY?

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/12/2017 13:51

“I hear you’ve been married for four months, I hope you’re not getting bored of him already?”

That is a really random thing for her to say to somebody she doesn't know?

Her husband may have mentionitis. That comment didn't come from nowhere.

Does sounds like she's following previous MN advice and 'sussing out the competition'. How many posts have we seen on here where somebody is worried about their partner's new colleague, not to mention she is pregnant/hormonal.

I would just avoid and politely decline.

derxa · 06/12/2017 13:53

I've had the experience of dealing with the wives before, and you do get a feeling for the ones marking their territory. So what if the wife was 'marking her territory'. She didn't mean you to come to dinner anyway.
That's the end of it.

brasty · 06/12/2017 13:53

It is a joke- a foot in mouth joke maybe, but that is all.
Some of you on here are really hard work

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 13:56

I can't believe the responses op is getting from some of you on here. Not all 'nice' gestures have an alturistic motive. It looks like this woman wants to invite two people who she does not know very well to dinner so she can suss op out, and get to know her, not in a friendly way. I would not go to dinner with two people who I did not know, and who i am not sure about, would you!

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 13:56

So what if the wife was 'marking her territory'?

It’s fucking rude! Am i supposed to be ok with the fact that she thinks I would stoop that low?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 13:59

Why is op some cold unfeeling heridan because she does not want to go to dinner with somebody she feels uncomfortable with! You go to dinner with people you like and know, she does not know these people.

derxa · 06/12/2017 14:01

It’s fucking rude! Am i supposed to be ok with the fact that she thinks I would stoop that low? If she did think like that then she is rude but you need to ignore it all. You can't police others' thoughts I'm afraid.

Willow2017 · 06/12/2017 14:55

This is bonkers!

I worked with various people for over 10 years and not once did I go to theirs for dinner. We went on nights out as colleagues, Xmas dinner, poopped in for coffee etc and had a great working relationship but we never organised dinners for each other.

OP never said the man hit on her, nor fancied her, nor she him for that matter, she is married and bloody annoyed that this woman is being so obvious about her husband. I see nobody is asking if he is an adonis? If she is justified in thinking OP is going to jump his bones the first chance she has? Nope its just assumed that op is full of herself and is imagining what the woman meant.

We all know this type of behaviour, we have all seen it everywhere in life in the pub, clubs, at work. "Keep off" is pretty hard to miss when people are so obvious (and they think they are being subtle)

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/12/2017 15:03

Omg people get a grip. We all get weird vibes from people now and again. OP can't help the feeling she got meeting this lady.
Here's what I think. This lady may have an agenda.....Or she may not. Either way if you're uncomfortable with going over then just don't go. You probably won't be invited with a set date in mind till after Xmas as this is a busy period for all. Plus you might already be busy on whatever dates are suggested (even if it's fake busy lol). This doesn't make you unlockable, you have every right to not wanna go if you don't want.

In the meantime u may warm to the idea...Or not. Just give it time, don't overthink or try to figure out what game she's trying to play because you have bigger and better things to focus on.

Just leave it as innocent banter from someone you hardly know.

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/12/2017 15:04

Unsociable* not unlockable (wtf?)

SpottyGecko · 06/12/2017 15:58

Personally I think it's weird that she knows that OP has been married 4 months. That's not the type of thing her dh would have offered as conversation I don't think, so she must have asked.

My dh couldn't say how long my closest work colleague has been married and he was at her wedding with me Grin

ptumbi · 06/12/2017 16:21

My boss in my last job was a real player - had a proper 'harem' at work (was boak-worthy really).

He got married and wife had a baby, baby comes into work sometimes to be shown off.

That's all.

Wife is lovely and chats to other women; no-one has ever been invited to dinner at theirs! No PDA at all.

That is normal. Normal and unthreatening. and Normal!

^^This situation is not.

Original poster
Skarossinkplunger · 06/12/2017 16:37

So she just rang my colleague with a date in January. I said we were busy that night, then she threw another date at so I mentioned concert tickets then she mentioned another date so I said I would have to check with DH. She’s persistent!

OP posts:
KingLooieCatz · 06/12/2017 16:45

Perhaps if you come up with a challenging range of dietary requirements that would give her pause for thought?

Or some other outrageous demands, like they collect you from your abode and return you in a glass carriage?

My DPIL can give some tips if necessary.

mrsharrison · 06/12/2017 16:52

OP you are spot on about her. The PDA is enough to tell you she's not the kind of person you want as a friend.
Wow she's desperate to spend time with you isnt she?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/12/2017 17:04

Yep far too desperate. You're just going to have to be blunt.

liverbird10 · 06/12/2017 17:17

reads
snorts
leaves

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2017 17:18

Ok we’ve deviated from the British convention and I don’t know what to do.

Could you change jobs? It would be less awkward than either going to dinner or having the conversation about not going to dinner.

Anatidae · 06/12/2017 17:20

Definitely sex people

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2017 17:21

OK, she sounds like a twat with poor boundaries. Just keep saying you're busy (and don't give details) - if she asked you to set a date say you don't know, you've got a lot on, you'll get back to her next month - then don't. Throw in a tinkly laugh, if you like. The worst thing you can do with pests is acknowledge their pestering or 'tell them straight', because they will use that as an excuse to give you more grief and try to convince you that you are in the wrong (when people with good manners and healthy boundaries know that three refusals in a row is a polite way of saying 'I don't want to and I'm not going to'.)