To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

[reindeercrossing]

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

Ok a practical and accessible suggestions. This is the course I did - was just £60 for four sessions delivered by video conference in the evenings which I thought was money well spent. no wa

It depends if you think he needs shaming/punishing or help coping with his emotions and anxieties - there are plenty of opinions both ways but IMO it can't hurt to try a more supportive approach.

I was going to say, no waiting for GP or referrals. CAMHS in particular is very stretched in most areas.

this thread clearly shows there is no simple and fixed solution to address this

I attend a school now that would help me, but if I look as DS previous school its probably the same so I think we need to respect OP here, she knows her school and not everyone is blessed this way

OP it looks to me like your best option is to do some more reading around on this. I also think the advice from people with troubles children and adopted children is really useful. they know!

good luck, you are going to definitely need some good advice and its doesn't necessarily have to cost to the earth to obtain it

Could you get into contact with Young Minds? They are a charity who advise parents on troubled children and it doesn't have to be very bad to get help from them. Anyone can phone. You will then get someone call you back (usually a qualified psychiatrist/psychologist) and direct you to which services might be able to help, along with advice as to how to address the behaviour and what might be underlying. They were also very good with me in terms of how to be pushy in order to get help, how to get the school's support. Personally, I have found CAMHS to be hopeless so far in that the waiting list is long. We were seen fairly quickly initially and there as a marked improvement and now we are back on the waiting list. She will be an adult by the time we get seen.

Gp is a great start

No!
medicalising his temper will only give him an excuse

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Do you give him this cuddle that he wants straight after he has assaulted you?

The only way I could force my dd to apologise is if I were to commit child abuse. Just because you haven’t got a child, who would rather be abused than verbally apologise, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist

I would never suggest you 'force' a child to apologise!
However, your DD doesn't apologise because you accept that she doesnt and probably have since she was little, so why should she?
'Breaking her spirit's is a bit extreme! There are ways to teach children other than that. You don't seem to see there is a middle ground between total acceptance and abuse!

Children need to know that their parent/carer is in control of the situation, any situation because it makes them feel safe and secure.

By letting him hit you when he likes he knows you aren't in control of him or the situation, and it probably terrifies him deep down inside. Especially if he's already feeling very lost and exposed due to your divorce.

Stop giving him what he wants (instant cuddles and forgiveness) and start giving him what he needs (a firm parent who enforces fair boundaries and is in control of the situation).

I disagree with not letting your child have a cuddle after hitting or hitting out. I actually think rejecting your son after is more not less likely to let the situation perpetuate. His father has already rejected him by leaving. The hitting is a cry for help. And the more times you as a parent model the correct behaviour and accept your child despite their faults, the more likely they are to grow past this behaviour. Once his emotions have settled, then is the time to sit down and talk about what is going on. He needs tools to deal with his aggression.

100% this.

There is a book called How to talk so kids will listen which details how to sit down and talk with your children constructively to deal with problems.

There is some great advice, but also some truly terrible damaging advice on this thread IMO OP, I think leaving him or punishing him will make the problem much worse.

What would you be doing by refusing to forgive or cuddle him? Teaching him to hold grudges and that your love is conditional? Last thing he needs. He wants to cuddle you to know that you still love him and vice versa.

And there are many effective ways to set firm boundaries and have control without withholding affection and forgiveness btw.

Always loving them is unconditional. Always liking them isn't. OP needs to make it very clear that him hitting her when he feels like is just totally unacceptable. And that no one is going to like him if he behaves like this.

Really, truly loving your child sometimes requires you to be cruel to be kind.

Certainly don't withold affection or forgiveness once he has started to improve his behaviour. But instantly forgiving him and offering cuddles is madness and will most likely lead to him still thumping the OP when he's 16.

I think that there's some shocking advice on this thread like restrain your child and cuddle them until they calm down.

When ds is calm, you need a chat with him about how you should respond to his tantrums. My children would prefer time to calm down and cry/scream for a bit. Physical contact (like the restraining) would escalate things quickly so I appreciate when I get a reality check of them screaming "get out of my room!"

I split from my kids' dad when they were 11,9 and bore a lot of anger from the split. They saw their Dad regularly and knew that their Dad left to be with OW yet he never had to deal with their pain because I am the one living with them 13 days out of 14. The kids have never confronted him about stuff like not coming to A&E when they got hurt (because he was with OW) or leaving them to live with broken down me. They are in a better place now but I do get that pain.

Gottaget
I have the middle ground with my dd. Thanks. I just don’t insist on systematic verbalisation as being the only way to apologise. You are confusing verbalisation of apologising and saying sorry in different ways.

You are confusing verbalisation of apologising and saying sorry in different ways

I take your point, I probably am, so apologies.

Wait until he's feeling apologetic and wants a cuddle, then get down to his level, eye to eye and say in the most forceful voice you can, wihtout losing your temper:
You are not allowed to hit me. I am a human being not a punch bag. Hitting me doesn't make anything in our lives better. It makes them worse. It hurts me very much. Would you like me to hit you? How would you feel if I punched you in the back when I was upset or shoved against you?

Now wait for as long as you need for him to answer this question. If he doesn't, repeat it and say to him that he absolutely must answer it or the problem won't go away.

Then ask: If I hit you, what sort of person would you think I was? Would you like me and trust me and love me and feel loved by me?

Again, ask him to answer the question. Don't budge from an answer.

That way, he has to face up to you having equal rights to him as a human being.

After that, take it from there and discuss how he has the right to feel angry but not to hurt you, and that men who punch women are despised and loathed by society and you won't let him turn into one and he mustn't let him turn into one either.

then discuss what he can do to soothe his anger, and end with the hug he wanted.

Gottaget
That’s fine. Good apologising btw

I love an apology on Aibu well done !
That’s the Issue here some strong and shit opinions interspersed with great wisdom

Op I also think that at 8 he is old enough to sit him down and have a proper meeting about this issue

Treat him as mature and he might suirise you