To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

[reindeercrossing]

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

I disagree with not letting your child have a cuddle after hitting or hitting out. I actually think rejecting your son after is more not less likely to let the situation perpetuate. His father has already rejected him by leaving. The hitting is a cry for help. And the more times you as a parent model the correct behaviour and accept your child despite their faults, the more likely they are to grow past this behaviour. Once his emotions have settled, then is the time to sit down and talk about what is going on. He needs tools to deal with his aggression.

I disagree with not letting your child have a cuddle after hitting or hitting out. I actually think rejecting your son after is more not less likely to let the situation perpetuate

I think the idea is that you don't cuddle right away. You cuddle after an apology and then talk about it and deal with the emotion.
It's not a permanent rejection. The child needs to know the hitting won't be tolerated under any circumstances.

Personally I think it’s the debrief after the hitting that needs more work.
Or look at worksheets online tackling feelings, emotions and appropriate behaviour. I’m sure if you spoke to the GP they will be able to help with this, by signposting you to the relevant services or self help websites.

I think you need to seek professional help with this. From personal experience I think when he does start hitting you you need to remove yourself to somewhere else. Tell him calmly that you won't let him do it and then leave him by himself until he calms down ( unless of course you are somewhere unsafe to do this.)

Gottaget
Ok we basically agree insomuch as the situation needs to be dealt with there and then. Although my dd Isn’t yet able to apologise. That doesn’t mean she isn’t sorry or doesn’t seek to right a wrong. She’s 9.

I know someone, who’s child wasn’t able to apologise until she was about 16/17. I tried to get apologies when dd was little. It was a battle of wills that I didn’t want. If I did it exactly how you suggest, dd would be a very confused kid. For her, the cuddle when she’s calmed down is the apology. We still get to the same point whereupon we talk about coping strategies and ways of doing things better.

Although my dd Isn’t yet able to apologise. That doesn’t mean she isn’t sorry or doesn’t seek to right a wrong. She’s 9

Not able to apologise? Really? You mean she won't.
A 3 year old can apologise! You teach them that from a very young age. Even in nursery a child will be expected to apologise if they hurt someone.
Sorry, but I think you are allowing your DD to put her pride over being sorry.
Children will learn to apologise by seeing their parents doing it and by being made aware that they have to be sensitive to others feelings.

Hi again. Unfortunately I have experience of this as my DC have significant emotional issues (adopted) and are just a bit older.

I may be overstating it but suspect he is in real emotional turmoil at the moment. His parents are splitting up, he is in Sat's year and faced with new school probably, he is approaching adolescence and hormonal/identity issues. If your marriage has broken down its likely things have been uncomfortable at home for everyone for a while or at worst he's being played loyalty games with. His safe happy childhood is falling apart.

If the behaviour is out of character it really sounds like roots are in anxiety /distress/anger that he can't really communicate or deal with.

Is there any organisation locally that can support with counselling in this situation for you at least? Could you afford it privately?

We are advised to say things like "I know you are upset but nobody gets hurt, you are safe and I am here for you" almost like you might reassure a toddler. There is a lot more to it though. As I said the NVR approach is helpful and you can do a short course.

It does not on the face of it look to me like he needs more rejection /punishment / anger management.

Thanks. I really do appreciate the replies.

Unfortunately, there is absolutely no way I can fund private therapy for him and in any case I'm not convinced he'd engage with it.

The school really are not supportive. They would make sympathetic faces and then snigger about me behind my back. And DS would be furious. He's going to a new school soon - see how that goes.

Thanks. You've all been incredibly helpful, you really have

I truly cannot imagine a school sniggering behind your back, you wouldn't need to talk to the TA's about it, just the class teacher or the Senco. I would also say what if your worst fears are realised and they snigger, so what, which comes first, you and your son's emotional wellbeing or the fear of sniggering.

If you talk to your GP he may be either able to refer you to counselling support or recommend free/ cheap alternatives. There are some options which will operate on a sliding scale of what you can afford.

Doing nothing is not a sensible way forward, of course you don't want to talk to people in RL about this I totally get that but you really need to.

I am also sure if you asked your son he would say he didn't want to talk to anyone, kids starting therapy often do, just like adults they are scared of something they don't know. That is very different to not engaging with it and not getting a lot out of it when he is actually doing it. You need to explain to your DS that the violence needs to stop and you both need support with this, it isn't something he has an option about trying at least.

Your role as the adult in this is to put aside your own personal feelings of shame, fear and inadequacy and seek from professionals the help your child needs. Both you and your child will have much better lives once you do. It doesn't matter who you choose to speak to first but pick the person who feel most comfortable talking to and make an appointment.

I am not contacting the school. It is not their business.

I can fund private therapy for him and in any case I'm not convinced he'd engage with it.The school really are not supportive. They would make sympathetic faces and then snigger about me behind my back. And DS would be furious

I doubt they would sniggering behind your back...but if they did, so what?
You say you think they would sniggering, you aren't sure your son would not engage with therapy...and your son would be furious if you involve the school.
Who is in charge?... your son?
It sounds like you don't believe anything will work really and you know what people are thinking...when you really dont

I would speak to the doctor. You may need to go on your own first. They could refer you to CAMHs (Child and adolescent mental health team) or possibly offer councilling. Schools maybe able to offer support, some have a health and well being team, both primary and secondary. Good luck

I know what the school will think. Ijust don't want to cause DS any extra upset, not when he's been through quite a lot as it is.

Never reject him when he hugs you. Never never never.
That Will be very damaging.
Victorian tactics and pretend shock horror reactions on this thread Will only make things Worse.
How do you talk afterwards?
Is he able to put words on his feeling, is he able te recongnize what is happening inside him?
Maybe help him with that, and Ask him what he need when he enters into this distress? And tru to figure how to help him together with him?

It sounds really hard on both of you, op. It is hard to take someones emotions like you have to, both physical and emotional. But with love and understanding also etablish some boundries. It is never Ok to hit, he must Get helt with dealing with pain without vilolence. But do bever punish, he needs support and understanding, lots of hugs, boundries, lot of talks about what happens inside him and better ways, and repeat.
And getting your GP involved is probably a good idea. You need support as well, it is tough to be there for a child with pain

Good luck op!

Gottaget
The only way I could force my dd to apologise is if I were to commit child abuse. Just because you haven’t got a child, who would rather be abused than verbally apologise, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. She does sometimes apologise of her own volition and will learn more and more to do so as she grows up. In the meantime I have no intention of breaking her spirit. I grew up in an abusive household and will not subject her to this. Just because she isn’t apologising, it doesn’t mean a) that she isn’t sorry and b) that the techniques dh and I employ are ineffective.

Can you tell me why you think the school will react badly or snigger? Isn’t there a sympathetic teacher or senco?

When my dd threatened to hit me and told me I’m scared of her, my dh took her to the hairdresser with him that evening as he just so happened to be having his hair cut. Her anger was because of her hair not being perfect - she has hair issues. Dh and he discussed all the things they could do with her hair eg shave it off and the hairdresser told her how he couldn’t believe she was like this with me. Since then, she’s been a lot calmer. Do you have an adult to turn to like this? Sometimes an outside influence and someone not in your family can really make a difference. He needs to know he’s really crossed a line and that adults he respect think the same too.

He is not hitting out at you because he is angry with you, he is hitting out at you because he feels safe and secure to let out his feelings.

This does not make it ok that he hits you, I just wanted you to not take on that he doesn't care about you on top of all the other stuff you have to deal with.

My daughter is being assessed for Autism at the moment and she hits out usually at me or her brother, so I know how challenging and upsetting it can be.

It is usually around big emotions or feeling out of control, all of which can be exacerbated by hunger, tiredness, lots of demands.

My advice, regardless of whether he has additional needs or not would be, regular snacks, environment as calm as possible, reduce any demands on him down to the bare minimum for functioning, make time for some one to one time, reassure him that you love him even when you dislike his behaviour, redirect, when my dd starts lashing out I remind her of things she can do instead, yell, stamp, hit the bed or sofa, have some quiet time.

It is so wearing, try and get some support from school if you can, and try and do some things for you if you possibly can, you can't deal with this stuff when you are under resourced as I am learning, I have developed severe psoriasis as a result of all the stress.

Hugs

I think he may be angry with you alongside hitting you because you are there to be hit. When parents separate children can often be left feeling very angry with both parents.

OP, if you don't feel able to approach the school what do you think will be the best way forward for you and your son? You have had a good number of responses, have any of them clicked with you?

OP you really are in a difficult position just now but you must do something effective as soon as you can. It is hard enough having a 10 year old hit you but imagine what it would be like in 15 years time when a full grown strapping man hits you. You will have worked hard to bring him up without much support from Ex. Not so D son could also be so devoted to the dad who did as little as he could get away with. He could be hitting you and running you down verbally and as awkward as the Ex.
For your own well being both mental and physical you have to deal with the issue of a violent son.
As a previous poster alluded to this is not something which happened years ago. It is fairly recent as far as I know.
I am not just chattering for the hell of it, this is my reality.

You make a lot of assumptions in your post, stressed, but they are not correct assumptions. DH was/is a very devoted father to DS, very hands-on.

Reindeer - I was giving you an insight, DH is not helping you by not trying to get help either NHS or private. Has DH spoken to the mutual son to advise that hitting mum is not acceptable to him as the co parent? Has anyone advised son that if he hits the wrong person things could be very nasty indeed.
You don't seem to want to engage with the school who likely have had experience of such a situation. You don't have money to pay privately and DH wont help. You said at one point that DH thinks DS is perfect, or was that vice versa. Whatever do not put yourself at risk of being hit by anyone at all.
I regret not dealing with my situation more forcefully and I hope that you do not end up in my shoes.

I actually think he’s bullying you a little bit. He certainly wouldn’t want that behaviour shared with his school. He will want to keep it secret and something you have to put up with.

Cauliflower
It is normal to want to keep such behaviour secret. That’s why it’s so very important for op to share her experience and reach out for help.

Jesus wept. Withdraw affection? From a 10 year old? I'm glad some of you aren't my mum!
OP, this isn't ineffective parenting, it's a child struggling with massive emotions he doesn't know how to process.
That said. He can't hit you. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you, and it's definitely time for the professionals to step in and help you get this sorted.
From his point of view? Things are happening at home and he doesn't know what to do with that. He feels angry, insecure, confused, sad, impotent - and people are now suggesting to withdraw affection to make him feel worse?
As mum says, this isn't a life sentence. It's fixable.

OP you seem more bothered about what other people especially the school will think rather than getting your son the help he needs. Which is a real shame. Your son may be very upset if you include them but maybe that kind of shame will actually help him bring his behaviour into perspective. You can’t be his friend and his mother it simply doesn’t work like that