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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

167 replies

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 16:48

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 05/12/2017 17:43

gottaget this doesnt sound the sort of hitting that's come about from ineffective parenting though (and I can picture the kind you mean). This kid is suddenly struggling and lashing out, but hating what he's doing at the same time.

I think if it's treated as naughtiness he will come to view himself as bad and the hitting as something he just does because he's bad. He needs help to manage his feelings and get through this traumatic bit of his life without feeling like he's horrible and naughty.

ColonelJackONeil · 05/12/2017 17:45

If you allow him to hit you it is making things worse for him. He knows hitting is wrong and feels bad about it and out of control. With your family break up he is probably feeling insecure and if he feels you can't control him he has lost some of the boundaries in his life which is something that makes a child feel safe. It is also damaging your relationship and making an unpleasant atmosphere in the home.

Btw I don't blame you for any of this but don't feel you should let him hit you at all. You have to put as stop to it and be very strong. The fact you are strong will give him strength too as he relies on you so he needs to know you can be relied on.

mumisnotmyname · 05/12/2017 17:45

Anger is a valid emotion and challenge is how to process it safely, for some DC this can be done in a non physical self soothing way, drawing, writing and talking etc. Other DC will struggle with managing their anger in this way and giving them a physical release, playing outside, going for run, dancing, punching pillows etc will help them more. A lot does depend on the child and what works best for them. You could try watching inside out together and then talking about it, it is about how you can't just ignore sad and angry feelings and you need all your emotions.

StormTreader · 05/12/2017 17:46

I do think now is maybe not the time for tough love in the moment - if its from a marriage breaking down hes probably scared = furious at you for this all happening to his world, explodes, and is then terrified hes now going to lose you as well and runs in for reassurance. Refusing a hug at that point seems like the wrong move.

Talking to him when hes calm about the OTHER things he can do when he feels like that would be a better option if you and him can make it work.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/12/2017 17:49

I'd be talking to him very soon about how that kind of behavior will land him behind bars if he continues it much longer. I'd be trying to scare the daylights out of him about what it is to be an abuser and how scornfully the rest of society regards a man who goes around hitting people, especially women.

FireCracker2 · 05/12/2017 17:58

this doesnt sound the sort of hitting that's come about from ineffective parenting
what?? she is letting him punch her and then seconds later rewarding him with cuddles!!! She could hardly be more ineffective if she tried!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/12/2017 17:59

That might be appropriate in normal circumstances, WombOfOnesOwn, but this is a very hurt and fragile boy. He hates himself for hitting out. He hates the change in his family. Understanding him and finding him help would be far more effective than talking about prison.

Gottagetmoving · 05/12/2017 18:00

this doesnt sound the sort of hitting that's come about from ineffective parenting though (and I can picture the kind you mean). This kid is suddenly struggling and lashing out, but hating what he's doing at the same time.
I think if it's treated as naughtiness he will come to view himself as bad and the hitting as something he just does because he's bad. He needs help to manage his feelings and get through this traumatic bit of his life without feeling like he's horrible and naughty

If your child hits you more than once...it IS ineffective parenting. The parent will need help and advice to deal with it if it continues. That doesn't mean the parent is bad or useless, they just don't know how to deal with it.
Of course the boy needs love and understanding and support but he has to know that hitting his mother is bad...He is not bad.

Booboobooboo84 · 05/12/2017 18:02

You need to enlist the help of your gp and maybe the school. He needs to learn to talk to someone other than you

RavingRoo · 05/12/2017 18:17

Restrain him when he hits you, and basically cuddle him until he calms down, and for your sake ensure he is kept occupied - try extracurriculur activities that let him burn off his energy - running, sports, boxing / karate.

Have you taken him to counselling? A proper therapist could really help.

pictish · 05/12/2017 18:17

"If your child hits you more than once...it IS ineffective parenting."

In the absence of ASN, I agree. I have three kids and my youngest did hit me once. Once. I came down on her like all shades of hellfire and she certainly never dared try it again. I didn't even have to raise my voice. My face and words were enough. I was disgusted with her and I let it show.

Don't reward him with cuddles. Put him on his (metaphorical) arse where this revolting behaviour belongs. If you don't he will end up causing you serious damage and he'll think it's fine because he'll be forgiven and reassured, like every other time he has thumped you.
It's intolerable. So don't tolerate it.

Emotional issues do not excuse this behaviour I'm afraid. It's wrong and no matter how pissed off or upset he is, it's still wrong.

pictish · 05/12/2017 18:26

I wouldn't restrain him and cuddle him till he calms down. He's 10 and can cause a major injury. I would remove yourself until he calms down. Safety comes first.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/12/2017 18:27

If your child hits you more than once...it IS ineffective parenting.

Not necessarily. A child can suffer such intense pain that the only way they know how to deal with it is to lash out. The child in this scenario is reacting to his family breaking up. The fact he's angry does not mean his mother is an ineffective parent.

wrenika · 05/12/2017 18:32

I'd tell him to back off, move away, if he repeats the offense, I'd be sending him to his room and taking away anything he values. There's no excuse for violence and if you let him away with it every time, he's not going to stop! Parent him.

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 18:34

Thanks for your advice.

He is as tall as me (I'm 5'3) and I'm not sure I'd physically be able to restrain him.I have said very firmly "DS, stop that, do not hit me, I do not hit you" while walking away.

I must admit the fact he thinks it's OK on some level worries me, in ten years time that could be his girlfriend.

I don't know really.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/12/2017 18:36

Brilliant I agree that his anger may be intense and nothing to do with ineffective parenting. However, I do not agree that at the age of ten the only way he can express it is by battering his mum. He is not three. He knows it's not on. His violence is a choice.

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 18:39

I do agree that it's probably caused by ineffective parenting on my part but it's very hard once things go past a certain point to yield any real control.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 05/12/2017 18:39

My ds is autistic and prior to diagnosis, he would have a fight or flight reaction to stressors (usually sensory overload/ severe anxiety/a culmination of stressors over the day which he had held in). He would lash out violently and it was very difficult, he hated himself afterwards and said he wished he was dead. Thankfully though, through our g.p we got his diagnosis and with research and courses, we learned how to help him manage sensory overload and anxiety.

We had nearly four years, where he barely had any meltdowns. Unfortunately, hormones accompanied by recent changes have culminated in ds having a harder time coping. We are having to find new ways to help him cope with anxiety, change and sensory overloads. Thankfully he is not violent anymore, as at ten I know he could really hurt someone.

I wonder if hormones could be causing havoc? I would ask for help, ask your g.p for support, for a referral to the children and families mental health services. Hopefully, you can find ways to help your ds to manage his anger and anxiety better.

RosyWelshcakes · 05/12/2017 18:51

I do agree that it's probably caused by ineffective parenting on my part

Dont do that to yourself OP. [flowers}

mumisnotmyname · 05/12/2017 18:56

Your DC is ten, he is still a child. He is basically grieving and managing his grief very badly, it is not unusual for children to manage their grief badly. It is not that unusual for children who are in extreme mental distress to lash out physically at their care givers. As you have had no training and were not expecting this you do not have all the answers to deal with this, again this is not unusual. When you seek help for yourself and your son you will discover that your situation isn't surprising or shocking to the people who help you. You and your son will work through his emotions and build better coping strategies for both of you. This has been triggered by a clear event and can be dealt with, it is not a life sentence but you do need external support to manage this as effectively as possible.

RosyWelshcakes · 05/12/2017 19:02

Fabulous advice ‘mumisnotmyname’

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/12/2017 19:07

I feel your pain OP

Here is the thing at that age they know what’s wrong and right . He wouldn’t hit a teacher would he ? He wouldn’t run naked around the playground

So somehow he needs to learn that he cannot hit you . It’s a real NO NO

Now how to do this is the problem but I like what jam said . He needs to understand that it upsets you immensely and that when he does it you will walk away from him and leave the room and calm yourself down a bit . I don’t see it as withdrawing affection but giving yourself space

You are better than me . Sometimes if mine hit me I go fucking ballistic at them which doesn’t help at all . So Flowers for what you are doing so far

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/12/2017 19:09

And it’s not you or your fault
I also love what Mum says

pictish · 05/12/2017 19:13

Staying away from trying to decipher what's going on I have only one piece of advice I can be totally sure of. When you he starts hitting you, you LEAVE. Whether you go for a short drive, a walk round the block or you lock yourself in the bathroom, you swiftly get away from him until he is calm. He can...and eventually WILL hurt you!

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 19:21

thank you

It's horrible but I can't always leave

OP posts:
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