To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

[reindeercrossing]

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

This is a reallly Helpful thread
Wow thanks to all

OP I like the idea of leaving the room . Not shoving him but saying that Mummy is reallly upset and she needs some time away while you are hitting her . And you need to count too 100 and calm down mr

Why can’t you tell the school op ? They really might be able to assist a bit here

If it helps at all OP, from the counselling my DS2 had he said he didn’t want me to talk to him whilst he was angry, he just wanted to have the time and space to calm down. It seemed to help, but everyone is different, you know your son best of all. But definitely reach out for help.

Op, l can hear the uncertainty and guilt in your posts...there lies your problem...

I think you possibly feel guilty over his distress and anger and therefore are not dealing with this behavior effectively.

Whilst he may be suffering this is not acceptable full stop.
If allowed to continue and be rewarded with hugs and acceptance he WILL probably be hitting his future girlfriend or wife and thinking as long as he says sorry and cries all is forgiven...do you see?

You have to put your doubts and emotions aside, and be prepared ready with your response for the next time (practice in the mirror if necessary) and all the times after.
Any hit should be met with cold determined annoyance,
stand tall, take a confident step TOWARDS him and say icily to him, DON'T YOU EVER HIT ME AGAIN. Be cold, calm and cross.
Turn and walk away do not engage, go into the bathroom and lock the door if necessary.
Don't allow him to fall on you crying.
When he is calm say firmly this hitting will stop now, and when he feels angry he must turn away and hit a cushion or the sofa until he feels calmer.
Tell him you will always be there for him and love him and support him, but repeat he WILL not hit you.

Your weakness does not help him with his anger, you being strong and setting boundaries will help him to feel more secure, but to do that you must be sure in your own mind that you are doing the right thing for him , and that you are strong and unafraid.

Good luck op

Thanks, that's good advice and is very helpful.

I feel a bit weird telling the school because it's a small school and small area and things do get gossipy.

You may feel guilty about your marriage breakdown but what he needs right now is security. You can give him that by being firm with boundaries.

Addressing your own fears is likely to be v helpful here too - there's a great book for this called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Be warned doing the exercises properly will make you pretty raw emotionally but it really helped me to process some things.

After an unhealthy relationship ends it is extremely common to fear that your DC will turn out like your ex partner, especially when they are the same sex as him/her. Do be reassured this is a TOTALLY normal and understandable fear. You think about how your ex was and the last thing you want is for your own child to grow up like that, so the minute you see similar behaviour, you go right to that fear outcome, "He's going to grow up just like him. He'll never respect women." (Or whatever the belief is). In addition, if you've suffered abuse (even "just" emotional abuse), you are still processing and healing from this trauma and any hint of something similar can trigger a trauma response. These two issues interact and cause us to react emotionally which is then getting in the way of us actually dealing with the issue and being a strong, calm role model, which is what they actually need us to be.

Parenting is complicated and none of this happens in a vacuum. :) It is easy to say "Well of course you need to give boundaries" but you may need some support with how those boundaries look and how to get there.

Your DS probably has learned to some extent to use you as an emotional punchbag if he's seen his father doing it. However, this is NOT a given outcome which is fixed and you can't change. He is ten, not twenty. You have time and he has time to learn a new way of relating to people. You've done the first step which is to say very clearly to your ex (and therefore, to your son) this is not acceptable to me, I don't allow people to treat me in this way.

Secondly, it is easy to look at childish behaviours, immature responses which mimic your ex's behaviour and feel afraid that the child is copying the adult's example, when in reality you are seeing everything through this lens and sometimes it is the other way around - a child is acting in a perfectly ordinary, childish, immature way because they are not mature enough to act like an adult. It was the adult (ex) in their use of these behaviours who was acting like a child, not the other way around.

BTW you may want to get this moved to Relationships or Parenting or you'll continually get people coming on to leave single comments who have not read the rest of the thread.

There is some seriously dreadful advice on this thread, offered by people who haven't got a clue about how to deal with a child with these kinds of emotional difficulties.

Threats, punishments, withdrawing affection or managing this harshly in any way is more likely to make things worse than better. It completely fails to teach the skills that he is lacking and it fails to help him manage his emotions effectively. Telling him not to hit is beyond pointless. It's like telling off an anorexic child for not eating.

If you're up for reading a book The Explosive Child, Dr Ross Greene

I also think you need professional help. Youngminds are worth calling and see if you can get a referral to CAMHS

reindeer, I have a family support worker because of my dd’s behaviour. I live in a very small insular town, and I am local. If people are aware, they are discreet and or sympathetic, I have never felt or heard gossiping behind my back.
My support worker is absolutely
amazing, she has saved me, and dd.
Don’t be ashamed in asking for help. More people do than perhaps we all realise. There is no shame on doing the right thing for your child and your family, none at all.

Thanks bertie and others, that is really helpful.

I don't think the school would be particularly helpful, to be honest. Some of the TAs in particular live locally and they do gossip a lot and I just don't really think it is anyone else's business.

If you Google "Non violent Restistance" this is an approach we find helpful. The hitting is the tip of the iceberg but your DS's emotional state and your relationship may well be the underlying problem.

Can i echo all the posters on here urging you to ignore the advice from people who haven't dealt with kids in serious emotional distress.
Do tell tell the school - they can access counselling etc very fast. Stuff what the TAs think - this is your child.
Remember that all behaviour is communication. What he's telling you is he can't cope but please, please congratulate yourself on the fact he can tell you.
Can you stop the anger before he launches at you? Can you say things like "You seem very angry - is it very hard for you atm?" to disarm him.
If you meet violence with violence when he's in a flight/fight meltdown things will just escalate.

It is hard OP and you do have my sympathy.

My DSS had a similar response when his 'D'M told his and his Dis that she never wanted to see them again to their faces and walked out if their lives.

In our case though it was his DF he hit.

We did go to the GP and got help.

He is now a wonderful teenager and is a lovely young man.

Age appropriate counselling really helped him and his DSis in different ways.

DSS feared that his DF would leave him too so wanted to push him away first iyswim.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn't seem like it.

Your DS needs an outlet for his bottled emotions that doesn't involve you being a punch bag.

I don't think the school would be particularly helpful

They really can be.

My DSC school was an absolute godsend at the time.

Find out who the school SENCO is and talk to them.

I forgot the . I have a 2 year old with attachment disorder who lashes out and it's hard being hurt.

If you don't stop him doing this he will carry this into adulthood and he will think it is acceptable to hit others too in relationships when frustrated. It is your responsibility to teach him it doesn't work like that.
You sound like a doormat mummy.
And we wonder why there are so many twatty, abusive, aggressive men in the world.
On top of that, if you cuddle him after him hitting you, basically you give him the green light to do this again. The reward for hitting mummy is a cuddle from her...yeah, right.

The school can be very helpful and I do recommend that you talk to them about your DS's behaviour. My DD1 was at her worst at the age of 6 and 7 (in year 2). Her TA witnessed her hitting me on the way home from school and came over and told her off. DD1 was shocked more than anything else as she really liked her TA.

Then the next day I had a call about it from her class teacher, who told me he had spoken to her firmly about the incident. I was mortified at the time but it was good that they witnessed the behaviour as she's always been Jekyll and Hyde and she's never violent at school. She's only ever violent when her sister is around, which I think is the point.

The one thing I would say about your situation is that you shouldn't reward your DS with a cuddle straightaway. You need to withdraw from him, then go to him when he's had time alone and talk through what he's feeling (a cuddle is appropriate at that stage).

I don't think cuddles should be used as a reward or punishment. It is suprisingly common for older children to still tantrum when you talk to other parents they do grow out of it. You do need to talk to him when he is calm about how it can't happen though. I always findo a positive tick list works best. 10 ticks or whatever for talking to you calmly when he's upset and a small reward. And loads of cuddles!

"Ineffective parenting" is not an insult. We are all ineffective in certain areas. It just means you are at a loss what to do about a behaviour. I was not ineffective in not tolerating my child hitting me but I'm sure in other areas I was ineffective.
Sometimes you have to acknowledge you are getting something wrong so you can accept or seek help.

I broke down on the phone to dd’s school, by that stage I was just beside myself, I had a family support worker within days. She is one of the most wonderful women I have ever met. She makes me feel safe, she empowers me, she makes me laugh. Things are not perfect with dd, but they are 100% better than they were. If you don’t want to go through the school, phone your local council.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain

My 10 year old daughter can be similar. Most of the time she is lovely, but right now she has a lot of pent up anger and aggression, and frequently lashes out at people - usually me. I have felt very inadequate at times by my inability to 'control' her, but increasingly view this behaviour as a cry for help and recognise that she doesn't like behaving this way. I am much more likely now to restrain her while acknowledging her feelings and making sure she knows she's loved. Recently this has evolved into play wrestling - eg if she is kicking out at me, I grab her legs and push back and this turns into a full on wrestling session. She is still small enough that she can really go for it, and I can contain things and ensure no-one gets hurt, but it is also clear that once she has a legitimate outlet for her pent up aggression, she doesn't set out to hurt me. This often ends with us both collapsing in an exhausted heap and her telling me about whatever had been troubling her and maybe having a good cry about it. A few times lately she's asked if we can wrestle, and seems to be using it to stop her aggression building up to the point that she lashes out.

On top of that, if you cuddle him after him hitting you, basically you give him the green light to do this again. The reward for hitting mummy is a cuddle from her...yeah, right

So true. Some parents are so frightened of upsetting their child they make situations worse.
It's ok for a child to be upset. You have to learn to deal with your feelings without becoming aggressive. You can harm your child if they think it will be ok if they hit you because if they try hitting another child they may find that that person will retaliate much harder.

He needs some help, and as soon as possible. It's unacceptable for a child to hit their parent (or vice versa). It's all very well now, he is ten, but when he is a strapping six foot teenager this is going to be a huge problem for you. If he can hit his own mother, he can just as easily hit his girlfriend / partner. It shows a total lack of respect for you.
I second what others have suggested by getting him something like a boxing/punch bag, so that when he feels his anger or frustration feels like it is getting out of control he has somewhere to direct that frustration. And help/counselling.

Reindeer I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

There may not be much point talking to your DS - at his age, he may not be able to find the words to describe what he's feeling, if he can even pinpoint it. Have a look at play therapy. It's a child-led, non-verbal therapy that will allow him to explore his feelings without feeling any pressure to talk about them. Sessions aren't cheap but there are lots of therapists who are in training, who work for free.

Good luck