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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

167 replies

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 16:48

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 05/12/2017 19:21

You have been given great advice already!

My DS is 10 and has quite a temper. He does rarely hit me, but he shouts and slams doors.

You need to talk to him when he is calm. he is old enough to understand it's wrong. Are there any signs that he is about to lose it? I have had really good success with telling my DS that it's okay to be angry, but that he needs to express it less differently. When I think something is about to boil over, I tell him I think he's about to have a temper tantrum and that he has to remember what we talked about. Usually he then storms off to his room and comes back when he has calmed down. Maybe you could try that?

I'm not surprised that you are unlikely to get any support from you ex. I am guessing that he behaves better around your ex? But that he feels safe with you, hence the outbursts?

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 19:23

Yes, I think so miss

OP posts:
CupOfFrothyCoffee · 05/12/2017 19:35

I find it difficult to understand this.
I could never have allowed my child to hit me

I have to agree with this. Why are some people allowing this behaviour from their children? My DC lifted their hand once as if to strike me years ago, A horrified look and a loud "DON'T YOU DARE LIFT YOUR HAND TO ME" was enough for it to never happen again. OP make him listen to you, don't reward him with a cuddle for goodness sake.

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 19:43

I feel to shove him away when he's obviously so distressed is wrong ... I don't know, though. Thanks.

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 05/12/2017 19:48

Your DS needs the tools to control his temper, see the GP ASAP for advice. He sounds very frustrated and angry and of course hormones don’t help either.

In the meantime, try to recognise the triggers and remove yourself from the situation, while he calms down.

My DS2 can fly off the handle very quickly, he had counselling and it helped, and as he has matured things have improved a lot. But he’s still a moody teenager at times!

Try not to worry I am sure you will be able to get it sorted out with the right support. Good luck OP and keep yourself safe.

mumisnotmyname · 05/12/2017 20:12

Trying to leave as the distress builds may not work if there is a fear of being left by you as a result of the break up, you may find he just follows you around in an increasingly distressed state. You may find that distraction works better.

There is a difference between reward and comfort which I think is what you are saying when talk about how distressed his. You could talk to him a little as you give him a cuddle, reminding of rules and letting no that hitting isn't an okay of managing his anger. Does he seem any younger than his actual age when he is losing it? That can sometime impact on how best to manage outbursts.

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 20:23

Thank you, that is very helpful.

When he loses it it's awful, it's as if it isn't him, but obviously that's no real defence.

OP posts:
MsPickle · 05/12/2017 20:31

I've a temper I learnt to control. My DD has it too but hasn't got the control yet. In one outburst the other day which resulted in floods of tears from her I found myself saying "do you want your temper to be in charge of you or you in charge of your temper?" As I said it I realised that's what helped mine-I needed to be in charge of it. For other reasons I think I'm going to try the "mindful monsters" Scope scheme I've seen on Facebook to see if it gives us all a framework. Good luck op, temper and anger are such horrible things for all involved. I hope you and your DS find a different path, it sounds like you are looking; look together.

mumisnotmyname · 05/12/2017 20:31

Kids in a very high state of distress actually are not capable of thinking, that part of their brain has temporarily been shut down/overwhelmed by a much more basic part. He won't be capable of coherent thought until he is calmer, think of him as an overgrown toddler when he has lost it. Capable of lashing out and of hurting you but not of age appropriate thought.

emochild · 05/12/2017 20:35

I think you are getting a very hard time here OP from people who have clearly never dealt with a violent child

This is not about your parenting and is not your fault

Emotional issues are a special need and you both need support

Be honest with school about what is happening -they can't help if they don't know

Your child is not lashing out out you because he's angry at you, he's lasting out at you because he's confident you won't leave -through his behaviour he's asking you for help

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 20:39

I couldn't tell the school ... might see if I can talk to GP. Thank you. You've all been very kind.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/12/2017 20:41

“.I have said very firmly "DS, stop that, do not hit me, I do not hit you" while walking away.”

I think I’d go for a more blunt “you DO NOT hit me.” Said in a very cold voice with a definite full stop at the end. No appealing to his better nature, no wheedling or reasoning. As he isn’t capable of hearing it at that moment.

I hope things get better soon Flowers

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 20:42

That's a good suggestion. Thanks.

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 05/12/2017 20:43

Gp is a great start. Also shows him you are serious about how important it is to stop the behaviour, whilst also being on his side and getting him any help he needs with fear/anxiety/anger. It's a good message I think.

BatSegundo · 05/12/2017 20:46

Hi. Sorry to hear you're going through this. You've already had some good advice. Him hitting you is understandable, but it isn't okay and that is the message you need to give him.

When he's calm, you need sit down and explain that he has a temper and gets angry and that is ok. Most people have to learn how to manage their temper and everyone gets angry sometimes. But we need to manage our feelings so that we keep ourselves and others safe. You will help him, but there will still need to be consequences for hitting. I would then work through a book like There's a volcano in my tummy or The red beast (written for children with Asperger's, but good for lots of kids).

I would try to get support from school with regard to dealing with the emotional fallout of your separation. To be honest, I think it very unlikely that you would get help from CAMHS or GP. They would probably say that this is a normal reaction to an upsetting situation. However, many schools have access to counselling and this is just the sort of thing it's for. If you are unable to get him outside help, then I would recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/When-Mom-Dad-Separate-Children/dp/0962050229/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=SPWFC92VSN9SC7AJ6962
That a trusted adult, you if need be, can work through with him. Flowers

BatSegundo · 05/12/2017 20:51

Yy to Your child is not lashing out out you because he's angry at you, he's lasting out at you because he's confident you won't leave -through his behaviour he's asking you for help from emo

Just seen that you don't want to tell school. You don't need to tell them he's hitting you but I would very strongly advise you to tell them that he is having a hard time coping with the separation. He may be presenting differently in school or they just might be able to give him a bit of TLC.

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 20:52

Maybe, I don't know? Might be best. I don't find them very approachable.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/12/2017 20:53

You really should tell the school OP. You don’t need to hide this, they might be able to help or at the least keep an extra eye on him knowing he’s struggling atm.

BatSegundo · 05/12/2017 20:57

Most schools are pretty good with things like this. Do you know if they've got access to a counsellor or an ELSA (Emotional Literacy Support Assistant not Frozen princess!)

BertieBotts · 05/12/2017 21:02

You've got to get him to replace the hitting behaviour with something else. I believe you that he's not in control, and hence punishment/disapproval, short sharp shock tactics etc won't fix this.

The problem is how, then - because whatever is triggering it is going to get worse as he properly enters puberty, and quite apart from the fact it's obviously already upsetting (to you and to him), as he gets physically bigger and stronger, he could really do somebody some damage and potentially end up in trouble with the law.

Is he motivated to change it himself if you speak to him when he's calm or does he not think it matters because he knows you'll forgive him?

The reason I say replace is that like others say, being in a fight-or-flight reaction does not give a person time to think logically and step back down from the situation. He's not going to have the capacity to take that impulse and boil it down to nothing, so he needs something concrete (and realistic) that he can replace it with. Preferably before he reaches boiling point in the first place. I have read BTW that replacing an urge to hit a person with hitting walls/punching bags/pillows is counterproductive, because it's not replacing the hitting urge itself, it's just redirecting it - they've still got that automatic reaction to punch something, and hence one day there will be no punching bag/pillow/wall or somebody will try to help in an unfortunate way and so the person with anger issues will hit a person instead. It might work as an interim measure, but I think this is probably a situation you need to work through with a qualified therapist.

People who think this is about parenting or excess energy usually don't have experience of children with emotional difficulties. Most children will respond to a wide variety of parenting styles. I am certainly not strict, you could describe me as quite fluffy and feelgood, but my DS doesn't hit me, because he's able to understand normal behaviour cues and respond to them in an age appropriate manner.

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 21:07

Thanks

I suppose the worry is that he is copying his dad's behaviour. Not that dh hit me but that sort of "oh you are here for me to take my emotions out on" is something I recognise.

OP posts:
BatSegundo · 05/12/2017 21:18

OP that's very perceptive of you. He may indeed have had a model for this behaviour. But it's also entirely normal for children to be furious with their parents when they are separating. And the message is still the same, it's ok to be angry, it's not ok to hit me.

RickOShay · 05/12/2017 21:27

I don’t know if this is great because it is still hitting, but I used to get a sofa cushion and hold it so he can hit that rather than you. You have to hold it though, it doesn’t work as well if you just have it on the floor. He needs a witness to his feelings.
Flowers

CauliflowerSqueeze · 05/12/2017 21:28

You can shove him away and shout at him if he hits you and then have a calm chat and reassure him when things are calmer.

At the moment he isn’t getting any negative feedback for his bad behaviour and he may be starting to resent you for the lack of action.

iboughtsnowboots · 05/12/2017 21:33

I might caution escalating the situation when he is out of control and in extreme distress. Ideally you want to move towards reducing physicality while distressed. He may not be able to react with much self control if you start pushing him. He also won't be doing any thinking about why you are doing it while that upset.