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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to deal with my son hitting me

167 replies

reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 16:48

I am pathetic I know.

He is having a hard time. But I am literally his punch bag. He punches my back when I turn away, pulls disgusted faces at me, shoves me.

Then he cries and wants a cuddle and says how sorry he is.

Like being trapped in an abusive relationship with your own DS.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2017 17:16

We used a private child psychologist with dd when she was 5-6 for about 5 months. It was expensive but we were given some brilliant tools and it had a massive affect on dd. Very worthwhile.

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 17:18

I've got no money. Ex won't pay - he thinks DS is great.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 05/12/2017 17:20

Call the helpline for familylives. They may be able to point you in the right direction

BarbarianMum · 05/12/2017 17:20

Then try going to your GP and asking for a referral to CAMHS. I'm sure your ds is great, this isn't about him being "great", this is about him hurting.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 05/12/2017 17:21

most schools have a connection and the ability to refer to CAMHs. Does your school have a teacher there that specialise in behavioural difficulties? I'd make an appointment for tomorrow and get some support from there in the first instance.

hendricksyousay · 05/12/2017 17:22

My son has sn but he is under no circumstances allowed to hit anyone . You are allowing your guilt to let him lash out on you . You need to be firm and say no ds it is not ok to hit me and removed yourself from him and then say to him if you need a hug I'm happy to do that . In my opinion you need to nip in the bud ! I understand the guilt thing totally but don't let him know it's ok to hit anyone let alone a woman and his mum!!

gamerchick · 05/12/2017 17:23

Please be on your guard if he's punching you in the back. Mines a big strong lad and he caught me in just the right place on the spine and I struggled to walk for a few days.

Don't forgive him quickly with a cuddle. He has to see consequences. You may need some outside help to help him deal with his emotions.

JamPasty · 05/12/2017 17:24

Could you encourage him to be physical with something inanimate - punching eggboxes for example? Basically direct the rage into something that won't get hurt

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 17:25

I know Barbarian I was quoting hopefully soon ex dh

Hendricks I do, it doesn't stop him doing it.

It's hard as he just sobs hysterically, there is so much raw pain and anger in him. I hate seeing it Sad

OP posts:
JamPasty · 05/12/2017 17:25

And you're not pathetic! Flowers

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 17:26

Yeah I thought of the punchbag but the thing is, I think he is angry with me, hence why he's lashing out at me. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
RosyWelshcakes · 05/12/2017 17:29

Op, this is a very good book.

www.amazon.com/Monsters-My-Tummy-Roman-Dirge/dp/0943151236?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I hope things start to improve for all of you very soon.

TeenTimesTwo · 05/12/2017 17:30

Is there any ELSA support at your school he could tap in to?

BrokenBattleDroid · 05/12/2017 17:30

I would avoid punishment right now. Get a punchbag or use pillows. When he flies into a rage tell him you understand how hard this is, but that you cannot let him behave like this. He has a choice right now of a tight squeezey cuddle (and cry) or to get all his anger out on the pillows/bag, and you will help him.

Talk about it in advance when he's calm so he knows about the two options, how he might want a different one at different times, that his feelings are OK and normal but he needs to learn to cope with them in other ways. Don't make him feel like he is bad if this is stemming from acute distress. Make sure he feels like you get it but just can't tolerate being hurt.

runwalkrun · 05/12/2017 17:31

In my opinion you need to nip in the bud!
Let him know it's ok to hit anyone let alone a woman and his mum!!

Yes. If you let it continue, before you know it, you will have an adult sized 'child' using you as a punchbag.
I find it shocking how many children hit their parents (mainly their mums)

At the risk of sounding like an old gimmer, I don't remember ever seeing any of my friends lash out at their parents when we were younger. We wouldn't have dared!
I don't think it was tolerated.

There was more respect for parents and teachers and anyone in authority.

Petalflowers · 05/12/2017 17:31

If he asks for a cuddle, do,you give it to him? If so, you are ‘rewarding’ his bad behaviour. If he hits you and then wants a cipuddke, deny the cuddle. Explain that he has been naughty, and so doesn’t deserve a cuddle. Tell him he only gets a cuddle if he hasn’t hit you all morning/afternoon/day.

Also, is the hitting a form of attention seeking? Maybe see if you can spend some quality time with him. However, if he starts to misbehave, then stop what was planned.

Do simple things like praise him when he is being good, or done something nice. Spend time with him. He is obviously going through a turbulent time, so be there for him.

mumisnotmyname · 05/12/2017 17:32

I think getting him someone neutral to talk to, draw with and play with would be the best way forward. If this is as a result of a family breakup it is going to be harder for him to express all of his emotions to you, it is perfectly possible he is really angry with you and blames you in part at least for the split.
While you get that sorted you need to set some boundaries around okay behaviours, ie not hurting yourself or others. Clear and steady reinforcement that the behaviour isn't okay. You also need to work on making him feel safe and secure in his new life, lots of things that make him feel loved, cared for and protected. This wouldn't be things but time spent together doing small activities and regular predictable routines.
If you know the triggers for the outbursts try and get in early and redirect, provide other outlets for the aggression or soothing techniques depending on which works best for him.
If he hits you when you turn away, don't turn away, alter your physical behaviour to try and encourage him to change his.
As a final aside if any of this behaviour is copied from an adult then there is support in the form of respect courses run by women's aid and possibly others.

JamPasty · 05/12/2017 17:34

Have you discussed with him at a separate time what he thinks would work? Something like "DS, I know you are frustrated and angry and don't mean to hurt me, and you know that hitting is never ok, so what plan are we going to come up with to prevent this. Because hitting me hurts me and I'll need to walk away from you into amother ropm for a while if you do that, and then you'll get upset and no one gains anything from any of that. So what shall we do together to work this out?"

Original poster
reindeercrossing · 05/12/2017 17:35

He doesn't exactly ask for a hug, he just flings himself at me shaking and crying and saying "sorry, sorry, I'm sorry."

Thanks for the links and advice.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 05/12/2017 17:37

I find it difficult to understand this.
I could never have allowed my child to hit me. I never hit or smacked my children but I think I would have shocked the life out of them if they had dared to raise a hand to me.

I know a child can have issues or problems but I just couldn't excuse it in any way.
It shocks me the number of times I have seen young children hitting their parents in shops or out and about and it shocks me that parents allow it. If your child is hitting you when they are that young your life will be hell when they reach their teens.
If your child hits you they need a really swift and firm reaction from you. If that upsets them tough...You can talk about it later, or get help and advice from a professional later, but nip it in the bud.

RosyWelshcakes · 05/12/2017 17:38

Giving the lad a punchbag to use it counter productive as it’s stull teaching him to use violence when he feels upset. He needs to be taught how to deal with the pain he’s feeling before it boils over into violence.

ShellyBoobs · 05/12/2017 17:39

I have no advice, OP, but you’re definitely not being pathetic.

Hope you manage to find some help.

Flowers
hendricksyousay · 05/12/2017 17:40

Make him stop! Shout at him back if necessary.. move yourself away .. do anything to get him to stop .. It must be nipped in the bud at any cost IMO

StormTreader · 05/12/2017 17:40

"Yeah I thought of the punchbag but the thing is, I think he is angry with me, hence why he's lashing out at me."

Hes allowed to be angry at you, but hes not allowed to express that as punching you, thats the tricky line here. It's not OK to hit, no matter how angry you are at someone. If you could encourage him to find a different outlet for it while hes working through it, that would probably be a big positive step.

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