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Original poster

DH won't change DD's nappies

166 replies

Snakeysnakesnake · 04/12/2017 21:45

I've had a huge argument with DH this evening as he won't change our 4 month old dd's nappies. He will "help" me do them (hold her legs in the air while I wipe) but he won't do them on his own. I had a bath this evening and dd did a poo, and DH came up to tell me I need to get out of the bath to change the nappy! I said no way, he's her parent too and should be able to change them, but he went off in a mood and didn't change her (I had to do it when I got out of the bath). I was so angry at him, and told him that it's unhygienic to leave her like that not to mention uncomfortable for her. He said he just doesn't feel comfortable changing her and having to wipe up the poo that gets into all the little crevices. I think he's being ridiculous and totally U. Or is this really not a big deal and I should let it go and accept I will be the nappy changer forever?

OP posts:
paap1975 · 05/12/2017 11:21

Makes him gag? Not good enough. What if it made you gag too? Is your child supposed to just wallow in s**t? The only way he'll improve is by doing it. If he won't I'd seriously question his commitment to his child

ethelfleda · 05/12/2017 11:24

YANBU!!
DH changes all of DS' nappies when he isn't at work (DS is 5 weeks) and has done since he was born. His says I sort the input so he sorts the output!

SaturnUranus · 05/12/2017 11:33

Presumably he manages to deal with the poo that comes out of his own backside? The baby variety tends to be at least marginally more pleasant than that.

If he has issues then the solution is for him to find a way to deal with that himself, eg wearing protective gloves as they do in nurseries. He shouldn't be able to just opt out of the essential tasks because "he doesn't feel comfortable" .

nocake · 05/12/2017 11:41

I'm a dad to 2 girls and your DH needs to get over himself. I, like pretty much every dad I know, have changed more nappies than I care to remember. It's not the most pleasant thing in the world but if you're a dad then you do it. It's not optional.

PeggySueOooOo · 05/12/2017 11:45

I hate changing my DC poopy nappies. If my husband is with us he does every single one. But if he isn't (which is often as he works and I don't) then I change nappies with out fuss. It isn't my child's fault I have issues with poop and so it shouldn't be the child that suffers.

shhhfastasleep · 05/12/2017 11:54

Tell him to man up.

GreyMorning · 05/12/2017 11:55

Also, teach him about breathing through his mouth if he can't stand the smell.

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2017 12:10

"teach him"

How come it's the OP's responsibility to teach him anything? Who taught her?

ememem84 · 05/12/2017 12:21

Before I had ds (my first) I’d never changed a nappy before. So I was daunted by it. So was dh. still am when ds does what we term “master blasters” but we got on with it. I was shown by midwife how to nappy change as I ended up doing the first one. When ds needed changing again he called the midwife and asked to be shown properly to do it.

Admittedly we both try and avoid the huge poo ones. Ds poops once a day. Usually around early evening so I’d he needs a change around this time and dh isn’t Home from work it’s nappy Russian roulette.

He’s happy to do then though.

Bobbiepin · 05/12/2017 12:37

"teach him" How come it's the OP's responsibility to teach him anything? Who taught her?

I'm sure someone at some point taught OP how to clean her own genitals properly and therefore she has a better understanding of how to clean DD without causing discomfort or infection. I wouldn't necessarily know how to clean under a boy's foreskin and a little instruction from a man with that experience would be welcome.

OP going tit for tat in regards to not cleaning up around the house isnt going to make things better and IMHO will cause arguments and makes you look a bit petty. Your DH needs to understand that this is his parental responsibility. If he is ok with holding her legs up and being around it then he needs to take the next step to cleaning her himself. You need to be honest with him and tell him how disappointed you are that he would intentionally leave your DD uncomfortable in that position. Be your daughter's advocate, not childish and petty.

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2017 12:45

". I wouldn't necessarily know how to clean under a boy's foreskin"

For future reference-you don't!

But this guy has had 4 months to say "show me". Or to look it up. But he hasn't-he's just refused.

BoardGameBlues · 05/12/2017 13:10

Domani I am genuinely confused as to how I was insensitive to victims of child abuse. I think the strong social taboos designed to prevent normalizing abusive behaviour is a good thing. I also never suggested that no one ever sexually abused their children.

I did suggest that saying anyone who feels odd or initially uncomfortable cleaning someone else's private parts must be harbouring secret sexual thoughts is ridiculous. I stand by that statement.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/12/2017 13:11

I was Confused when I had my son and had no idea to clean around his genitals. Helpfully neither did DH 🙄. We googled it. Simples. And yes NEVER pull their foreskin back!

cricketqueen · 05/12/2017 13:28

Does anyone really like cleaning shit??? I'm currently suffering from hypermesis and changing my Dds dirty nappies often make me actually sick but I don't have a choice cause the alternative would be worse for her. He needs to grow up and deal with it. If he can wipe his own arse he can wipe a babies.

thegrinchreaper · 05/12/2017 16:28

Ex won't change our son's nappy. It's one of the reasons he's an ex. DS got to a year old and I asked ex to please change his nappy as I was busy with the older two, he replied 'I can't, I was just about to go for a smoke' he ended up smoking a lot as it became his 'get-out' clause. He has contact with DS but obviously no overnights because he refuses to change nappies. It's pathetic beyond words.

Bobbiepin · 05/12/2017 16:44

@Bertrand good to know! You have a point though. This guy does need to pull up his big boy pants and get on with it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/12/2017 16:49

So he hates poo and can't deal with it?
What if the OP hates poo and also can't deal with it?
Do they both leave their daughter to stew in it?

No one LIKES dealing with dirty nappies.
No couples EVER fight for the privilege of cleaning a shitty nappy.
But someone HAS to.

Why should it always be you?

Getting you out of the bath and leaving her in a dirty nappy is dreadful behaviour

Original poster
Snakeysnakesnake · 05/12/2017 19:07

Update...

He's just come home from his shift and asked if I can show him how to change a nappy and clean her properly next time she does a poo. I actually could've cried I felt such relief. I really didn't know how I couldve moved forward with him knowing that he was avoiding such a vital part of caring for dd, but on the other hand seemed a bit extreme to ltb over dirty nappies. Hopefully once he's done a few he'll feel more confident and I can relax knowing he can look after her properly.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 05/12/2017 19:11

Pleased to hear that OP, you evidently have the type of relationship where he's given thought to what you've said and wants to do better. Let him earn your respect back.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 05/12/2017 19:12

Thank fuck for that!

KatnissMellark · 05/12/2017 19:13

I'm glad he's changed his tune op, should you ever leave her with him and he does the same again it would be neglect- at the moment he's unable to meet her basic needs so absolutely has to step up and learn, which it sounds like he may now be willing to do. Ridiculous that it has got to this point at four months, I'd have lost a lot of respect for him

shhhfastasleep · 05/12/2017 19:17

Let's hope it's a confidence thing. Not that it wasn't daunting for you, op. Hopefully his male colleagues at work told him he was being weak and stupid.

Domani · 05/12/2017 19:32

BoardGame, I apologise. Thank you for explaining, I got the wrong end of the stick.

BoardGameBlues · 05/12/2017 20:28

Domani - no problem. I obviously wasn't clear and caused upset and I'm sorry for that.

Bluesrunthegame · 05/12/2017 20:30

Are you married to Jacob Rees-Mogg?

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