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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH won't change DD's nappies

166 replies

Snakeysnakesnake · 04/12/2017 21:45

I've had a huge argument with DH this evening as he won't change our 4 month old dd's nappies. He will "help" me do them (hold her legs in the air while I wipe) but he won't do them on his own. I had a bath this evening and dd did a poo, and DH came up to tell me I need to get out of the bath to change the nappy! I said no way, he's her parent too and should be able to change them, but he went off in a mood and didn't change her (I had to do it when I got out of the bath). I was so angry at him, and told him that it's unhygienic to leave her like that not to mention uncomfortable for her. He said he just doesn't feel comfortable changing her and having to wipe up the poo that gets into all the little crevices. I think he's being ridiculous and totally U. Or is this really not a big deal and I should let it go and accept I will be the nappy changer forever?

OP posts:
NeverTimeForTea · 04/12/2017 22:35

So how do mums learn to change their sons' or daughters' nappies? Do we get a step by step personal masterclass in the cleansing of whichever flavour of baby we get? If so, I missed out on that.

Honestly, we need to kill this idea that mums instinctively know what to do but the poor mens need detailed guidance from a person with a vagina to be able to deal with this (literal) shit!

MsJuniper · 04/12/2017 22:38

My DH couldn't be more involved/hands-on/an actual parent to our DS but he has said he is a bit nervous about cleaning our DD (due next year) properly because of the crevices (ie you could inadvertently push stuff in rather than clean it away). To be honest I feel the same way especially after seeing how easily girls can get UTIs. Boys' bits seem so easy in comparison.

Obviously we are both keen to get it right and will endeavour to do so but maybe your DH has let his nerves take over and it's been enabled so he's built it up even more? I think some instruction is needed, can you show him it a time when there's no poo to clean, just so he can see what to do and to avoid?

Obviously if he just doesn't want to change nappies or doesn't want to touch her vulva at all that's a different issue.

Misstomrs · 04/12/2017 22:38

Is no one else just blown away the OP was having a bath with a 4 month old. I had one at the weekend - first one without screaming in the background - and my DS is 16 months!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/12/2017 22:40

He said he just doesn't feel comfortable changing her and having to wipe up the poo that gets into all the little crevices

Well you could tell him he's a pathetic piece of useless fucking shit, as recommended here, or you could talk to him about his issue here.

Is he worried about getting it wrong, hurting a delicate area or something? Is he concerned about something else? I was worried about cleaning in and around my DS's little penis as a tiny baby as I was used to DD's. Obviously I got over it.

If he's an otherwise decent sort who pulls his weight and it's not an attempt to get out of his share of the parenting, then sort it out with him, because obviously, he does need to change nappies Grin

Fauxgina · 04/12/2017 22:41

Really OP, you're being unfair. You came right out of your mother's vagina knowing instinctively how to clean infant vaginas purely because you have a vagina yourself, and were once an infant.

As a man, he only has a penis and has never ever been acquainted with a vagina himself of course, as you surely conceived via the turkey baster method.

And fair's fair, I bet you £1000 quid if you had a boy you'd never have changed his nappy as it would have been your partner's domain as only he knows how to clean an infant penis and negotiate foreskin etc.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/12/2017 22:41

x-post with Msjuniper

mehhh · 04/12/2017 22:42

Definitely not ok... my DP tried to get out of poopy nappies at first he would come in "she's done a poo" so I said "ohh okay you know where the change mat is" he kept doing it saying that he didn't like it I told him to get a grip and change the nappy and refused to do it for him.... he does them all the time now, it's absolutely not ok to leave a baby in a dirty nappy and you need to nip that in the bud!

SteX · 04/12/2017 22:42

Bloke here. You just pick it up naturally, boy or girl. 4 months is ridiculous. I found I had more time changing DD though, DSS had this habit of peeing soon after nappy was removed...

Creatureofthenight · 04/12/2017 22:44

How come it's taken 4 months for you to get to this point?! It sounds like he's unsure of how to clean a baby girl. Show him what to do, supervise one or two, then he can crack on. My DH was a bit wary as well - just because they are different bits to his own. I helped him a couple of times. He did most of the nappies when on paternity leave and now does all on evenings and weekends.

TheLegendOfBeans · 04/12/2017 22:45

Don’t be so sure @SteX

My DD was master of the “secret wee” Xmas Sad

Huppopapa · 04/12/2017 22:45

Oh for pity's sake!

TheCowWentMoo · 04/12/2017 22:50

Has he really not changed a nappy in 4 mnths?
The thing is he might be a bit unsure of what to do, I suppose thats fair, but surely he would find out after the first week how to change a baby girls nappy? Like you had to do, no ones born with a natural love and skill of changing pooey nappies.

He's not uncomfortable, he's lazy. Even if he was unsure he could have done his best and got you to check, better than leaving his daughter in a dirty nappy fgs

Bumplovin · 04/12/2017 22:52

My Dh changed our daughters first nappy in hospital as I was still sleepy from my c section it probably helped the midwife showed him how to do it . If you showed him would he do it? If not then that's really not acceptable but maybe he's just frightened of doing it wrong?

BewareOfDragons · 04/12/2017 22:55

Fuck that.

Completely and utterly unacceptable.

Tell him you're going away next weekend and he had better learn to get on with it and be an equal parent, or you will be rethinking your relationship.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/12/2017 22:58

He's being really pathetic. Even my super macho FiL was happy to change nappies when he looked after my kids; the boys and the girls. He is of a generation who never changed his own kids, but he was happy to step up when necessary.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2017 22:58

stop doing something, maybe cooking food for him or washing his clothes.

This. If he can't pull his weight with childcare he loses out somewhere else.

NNchangedforthis · 04/12/2017 23:47

He hasn’t done a nappy for 4 months!!! Fuck that!
My partner did our daughters first ever poopy nappy. I was post section.
Then she was in NICU for a week and he always did the nappy changes.
Tell him to grow up.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/12/2017 23:49

Did this never come up while you were pregnant or planning? I would have no respect for a man like this and there's no way I'd have a baby with them. Tell him he needs to grow the fuck up then chuck a shitty nappy at him.

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 05/12/2017 00:41

My DP had to show me how to change her when she was poopy. I changed her in hospital but it was just a wet one and took me ages as I had no experience of changing nappies.

He has never skipped out of a nappy change. Maybe because he has 2 older children. He's a great hands on dad.

hollowtree · 05/12/2017 00:58

Another vote for his need to "get a grip"! My DH has changed our DD since day one. In fact... I was more nervous than him! I put it down to the fact that I know how delicate girl-parts are!!! I was nervous about her getting infections. But we were told in our prenatal classes that with a girl it's always front-to-back and make sure you get everything out of the folds of skin where anything left can cause infection.

Just tell him this... it was all we needed to know to just get on with it. Then you just learn it like a previous (male) poster said!

MrRayaUmasTurban · 05/12/2017 01:18

Is he afraid that wiping his daughter's private parts could be seen as being inappropriate/abusive in some way? I don't think he sounds bad, just possibly very anxious.

Shen0102 · 05/12/2017 01:34

I agree with MrRaya

He says its uncomfortable? Would his anxiety disappear if it was a boy?

Is he going through gender disappointment ? Maybe he wanted a son?

Get to the bottom of his real reasons.

LittleKiwi · 05/12/2017 01:39

Agree with MrRaya and Shen.

deptfordgirl · 05/12/2017 01:40

Awful awful awful. He'd rather leave his baby to get sore and uncomfortable than change a nappy? You need to make him do it or else you will never be able to leave her with him and have any time away from her. Can't believe you've allowed this for months!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 05/12/2017 07:16

Like a pp I had boys and def found changing my niece harder, but yeah I still did it!!
He needs to step up!

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