Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH won't change DD's nappies

166 replies

Snakeysnakesnake · 04/12/2017 21:45

I've had a huge argument with DH this evening as he won't change our 4 month old dd's nappies. He will "help" me do them (hold her legs in the air while I wipe) but he won't do them on his own. I had a bath this evening and dd did a poo, and DH came up to tell me I need to get out of the bath to change the nappy! I said no way, he's her parent too and should be able to change them, but he went off in a mood and didn't change her (I had to do it when I got out of the bath). I was so angry at him, and told him that it's unhygienic to leave her like that not to mention uncomfortable for her. He said he just doesn't feel comfortable changing her and having to wipe up the poo that gets into all the little crevices. I think he's being ridiculous and totally U. Or is this really not a big deal and I should let it go and accept I will be the nappy changer forever?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 09:11

So op hasn't been back?

EvaParker · 05/12/2017 09:15

How on earth has this been going on for 4 MONTHS?

He should have been changing nappies from the day she was born?

Do not enable this for another day.

Pythonesque · 05/12/2017 09:17

One of my uncles was an older dad and has been heard to "boast" that he never changed a nappy. We considered him an absolute dinosaur. My cousin is in her late 20s ...

As all above, 4 months old is high time your husband learnt to help properly!

Butterfr33 · 05/12/2017 09:24

Fuck that for a barrel of laughs! If that was my DH, I'd tell him he either steps up or leave. Not up for discussion.

I know it sounds dramatic but if she's sat in a dirty nappy for too long she'll get really sore Sad If my DP would rather that than have to change a nappy, he'd have no place with us! Angry

mindutopia · 05/12/2017 09:25

No, that's ridiculous. He's her parent. I know it's only been 4 months, but he's going to have a hell of a hard time if he never changes a nappy as eventually you presumably won't be around as much as you are now on mat leave. He can't go around avoiding changing and cleaning her forever.

My dh actually was the main person who did all the changing early on. I was doing the feeding, so he did the changing before. For the first month while he was on paternity leave with me, I'm not even sure I changed a single nappy. Our dd is now 4 (still in nighttime nappies) and he is still pretty much the only one who does her nappy as he does her bathtime.

Men are perfectly capable and he doesn't think it's weird. She's a child. It's no more weird than me changing my son. If he is concerned he doesn't quite know where to wipe or what might be uncomfortable for her, show him how to do it once and then leave him to get on with it.

mamahanji · 05/12/2017 09:26

I had a c section with my first and a womb infection afterwards. My partner changed our daughters nappies for 2 weeks. 2 weeks I didn't change a nappy!

And yh, he also changes our Dd2 nappies too.

Does your husband also feel uncomfortable bathing her? And getting her dressed?

I don't understand how you can put up with a half assed man child. It's change her nappy or fuck off. You are an equal parent, you do it all bloody equally or you can do it supervised once a fortnight as you clearly can't be trusted to look after a babies most basic needs.

He is beyond ridiculous.

zoomer445 · 05/12/2017 09:34

I don't think he's being lazy or thinking he doesn't want to deal with poo. I could be wrong but I think it's because he has a dd and not a ds? He may be unsure how to clean her? I'd be the same if I had a ds. Although you would either have to work it out for yourself or watch your partner do the first change. Had he not watched you op?

Domani · 05/12/2017 09:44

How insensitive BoardGame On behalf of the many child abuse victims who may feel very uncomfortable with this, fuck off!

Branleuse · 05/12/2017 09:57

ffs, what the hell would he do if anything happened to you? Why the fuck should it be ok for you to do it and not him? Surely hes not seeing his babies genital area as sexual. Its just bloody practical. Clean it and put a new nappy on. Tell him to stop being ridiculous and lazy

Original poster
Snakeysnakesnake · 05/12/2017 10:05

There is nothing sinister about my post, I haven't replied to this thread yet as I've been thinking about what to do about this situation. I hate the fact this has turned into a "is he viewing her genitals as something sexual?" thread. It's absurd to even go there so those that have commented with that can fuck off.

To the rest of the pps, it's purely a poo thing. He can't even handle picking up the dogs poo, it makes him retch. Part of it is that he's worried about hurting her when wiping poo out of the cracks (yes I'm talking about her private parts here). I'm not defending him, but I can understand why he feels uncomfortable (again, there's nothing sinister here). I have shown him what to do but he really seems to struggle with it still.

He did change nappies for the first few weeks as I had a complicated labour and was recovering, but as the poos have got messier he's finding it harder to deal with. I was just disappointed in him last night when he point blank refused to do it.

My plan going forward is to stop doing things for him around the house, let him look after himself on his own if he can't look after our baby. Hopefully he will realise what a dick he's being.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/12/2017 10:15

Surely there must be plenty of women who feel similarly disgusted when confronted by smelly poo. And who don't feel too confident cleaning around their ds' scrotum either.

The difference is that as a woman you are socialised very early into thinking that the world does not actually revolve around how you feel. If there is a potentially life-saving job to be done, you jolly well get on with it, because no one is going to cut you any slack.

And no one, says NO ONE, is going to pop up on MN to explain that "actually many women feel uncomfortable around nappies, so maybe let her off until the baby is bigger and it gets easier/she's got more used to it/she feels she can relate to it more".

rabbitsdontlayeggs · 05/12/2017 10:19

Ridiculous. My DH had never changed a nappy before DD was born. I had an awful birth and was poorly afterwards, I'm pretty sure for the first two days he changed every single nappy! With instruction from me the first time - wipe front to back etc and then he just got on with it!

I wouldn't put up with this. He's being a total dick.

Trinity66 · 05/12/2017 10:24

Don't let that go, I mean does that mean that he will never look after the baby alone while she's in nappies? That's crazy

boredofmyoldname · 05/12/2017 10:24

I have a friend who tried this.

I told him to man up and stop being a dick, his discomfort at dealing with a bit of shit is nothing compared to the discomfort he'd be inflicting on his daughter if he left her sitting in it until you could deal with it. It can literally burn skin, leaving it raw, sore and can lead to infection.

Don't be passive aggressive about it, you need to be blunt. He man's up or fucks off.

deptfordgirl · 05/12/2017 10:28

The poo does get worse when they're weaned though and also there will be accidents when potty training so he needs to start getting used to it now. Could you buy him some disposible face mask things? They were always provided for tas in a special needs school I worked in.

LagunaBubbles · 05/12/2017 10:38

Well cleaning up poo isnt a pleasant task for anyone, but as a parent you dont get out of it just because you dont like it. Most of us just get on with it because it needs done.

GreyMorning · 05/12/2017 10:42

My husband was worried about this when we had his daughter, he felt uncomfortable because he has a different set up down stairs and has never had to deal with a poopy vagina before.

After she was born he asked how to do it, I explained how and why and now he does it.

Fear of the unknown I think. Talk to him.

zoomer445 · 05/12/2017 10:51

I think that's actually worse then if it's not related to not being used to boy / girl bits. He just doesn't want to deal with poo!!

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2017 10:51

"was happy to give him a pass as it didn’t bother me to do it. I, on the other hand, cannot deal with sick at all, so that’s his job as it doesn’t bother him."
This is a brilliant example of The 50:50 Fallacy. "We share all the jobs absolutely equally and play to our strengths-I do all the cooking and washing up-he puts oil in the car and puts up shelves" Grin

TheGoodEnoughWife · 05/12/2017 10:56

It really isn't that he 'cant' - he is choosing not to. He is deciding that it is okay for you to do it Every Single Time. It is not. And I would be saying so - Every Single Time.

corythatwas · 05/12/2017 11:00

Another version of the 50:50 Fallacy: he does the jobs he feels comfortable with and I do the rest.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/12/2017 11:06

I always wonder what these men would do if, heaven forbid, you were hospitalised or even passed away. Why are so many men utterly shit at basic care of their children?

I wonder if it stems from taking on the bulk care in maternity leave, then that becomes your new normal and even when women go back to work, or become a SAHM, it never occurs to the men to do a bit more child care?

I know when I was on maternity leave with my eldest it felt wrong to do 50/50 care when I wasn't working and DH was. So I did most of it. Then when the time came for me to return to work DH looked after DD one day a week and struggled like hell at first as he didn't have a clue. I'm due back to work next month after having our son earlier this year and the care of him has been far more even. This has resulted in a better relationship between everybody, complete confidence that we can both are properly for DS and a much happier couple. It's in men's own interest to pull their fingers out their arse and get stuck in with their kids. If they don't they're either entitled or just plain selfish

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 05/12/2017 11:10

Morning,

Just to say that we've had a few reports about this thread. It's understandable that people want to exercise some caution, but we can see that the OP's been around for a good while and we have no major concerns about her posting this thread.

Please rest assured that we will always err on the side of caution if we have any doubts about an OP. We'd therefore ask that you please steer clear of troll hunting on the thread itself - just report to us if you have any concerns.

OP, sorry for the interruption.

Many thanks.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2017 11:17

No excuse for this type of piss poor parenting

Erica891 · 05/12/2017 11:20

He should man up to his responsibilities as a father. Maybe eventually he will. I know a friend who would also refuse to do that with their first child but eventually did it.