DH won't change DD's nappies

[Snakeysnakesnake]

I've had a huge argument with DH this evening as he won't change our 4 month old dd's nappies. He will "help" me do them (hold her legs in the air while I wipe) but he won't do them on his own. I had a bath this evening and dd did a poo, and DH came up to tell me I need to get out of the bath to change the nappy! I said no way, he's her parent too and should be able to change them, but he went off in a mood and didn't change her (I had to do it when I got out of the bath). I was so angry at him, and told him that it's unhygienic to leave her like that not to mention uncomfortable for her. He said he just doesn't feel comfortable changing her and having to wipe up the poo that gets into all the little crevices. I think he's being ridiculous and totally U. Or is this really not a big deal and I should let it go and accept I will be the nappy changer forever?

Is he afraid that wiping his daughter's private parts could be seen as being inappropriate/abusive in some way?

Well if he is, there is something seriously fukt going on inside his head. A baby is not a sexual object. It is entirely dependent on its parents for all its needs, including to be kept clean and free of disease and infection. Any grown man who thinks that could be in the same county as being 'inappropriate' needs therapy.

No, please don't accept that you will be the only nappy changer forever! That's just ridiculous! I feel that you should have a serious talk though about why he doesn't "feel comfortable" about it. Hope I'm not stepping out of line here but is it possible dh could be a child abuse victim, OP? and that touching dd's privates could be bringing back bad memories or he feels may be misconstrued. I only say this because I am a child sexual abuse "survivor" and I felt uncomfortable at first about washing dc's privates, as if I was doing something "wrong" (if you see what I mean) Hope this doesn't offend, it's just my genuine thoughts.

And Huppo I did actually have therapy for this. But hopefully OP's dh is just lazy or something.

I think girls cleaning (after a poo) can feel quite 'intrusive' at first. When he talks about folds, he's not talking about leg folds, he's blatantly talking about having to clean when the poo gets into the vagina, and every nook and cranny of the vulva. My baby giggles when you clean here there, and I can see why he might find that weird.

But weird or not, it's part of being a parent, and he can't opt out of it. He needs to man up and get on with it, and I'm horrified that he hasn't as yet though. He can't use his discomfort as an excuse, and it's not fair on you that he's so lazy.

He's either lazy man or inappropriate thoughts man. Which of those men would he rather be?!

He needs to grow up and step up. Otherwise you'll never be able to leave them alone for fear of coming back to a leaky poo nappy and a sore baby.

Also I think you get used to what you've got. I am surprised at posters saying girls are harder to clean - I find DD v easy but would be worried about a little willy squirting me and the rest of the bedroom with wee

I remember years ago a preacher at our then church said in a sermon that he could count on one hand the number of times he changed his children's nappies when they were small. He was proud of the fact too. I didn't listen to another word he said as I was so disgusted.

By contrast, my DH couldn't have been more willing to change our DDs' nappies, despite the fact that he'd never done it in his life before.

It's normal to be unsure how to do it. To be unwilling to do it is just lazy. The father has as much responsibility as the mothers to change his children's nappies.

Yup none of my male in laws changed their babies nappies boys or girls. They were in awe of dp doing it. My opinion of them changed when I found that out.

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to get a grip.

When our DD was born my DH had had no experience of babies, is incredibly squeamish, if someone vomits on TV (fiction) he will have to leave the room, or HE will vomit. He was usuall lucky (as was she) I had older kids, a couple of times, he showered her off. He has an incredible sense of smell, he cant pick up after our dogs in the garden either, hes not being lazy, he gags, if he actually vomits, he has gastric ulcers etc, and will really suffer.

Riiidiculous and unacceptable. Now admittedly I have boys and always thought changing girls would be a much more involved affair, but the job has to be done for Christ's sake.

What an arse

We have had 3 daughters. DH changed the nappies of all of them. No quibbles. He just got on with it.

Your DH is being a dick OP. Are you supposed to stay near your DD for the next 2 years or so in case she needs a nappy changed? NO! He needs to be shown once, very thoroughly, how to do this then left to get on with it.

What an absolute TWAT. Please show him this thread.

He is not worth one jot as a father if he won't pitch in fairly. What next? Weaning? Sleep training? Potty training? You have some seriously tough times ahead and I'd be worried he doesn't see himself as responsible for her care as you do.

So if you leave him, he won't be having conact with your daughter until she is potty trained?

I have 2 DD’s. For the first 2 weeks, while DH was on paternity leave, I didn’t change a single nappy. I dealt with input, he dealt with output.
Those saying you felt uncomfortable changing a boys nappy... bet you still did/do it right? You don’t get to opt out. He hasn’t changed a single nappy in 4 months.

Is he 5 ffs - what a knob - it's his own child who needs his help and support - honestly he'd be getting the sharp side of my tongue if my husband behaved like that
Is he usually a lazy person? Perhaps that's it? In which case he needs a boot up the arse!

I've never changed a girl's nappy, and I've been changing nappies since I was 12 - lots of boys in my family. I do find the idea intimidating, I find boys easy to clean, but I feel that's just practice, and I'd get over it.

Your DH needs to get over this, what else is he intending not to do? It's not fair on your daughter to be left until you're able to help her when she has another parent around.

But is it just laziness? He had to get up off his bum anyway to go to bathroom to ask OP?

His behaviour is unacceptable, he needs to change his child's nappy.

People suggesting that if you feel uncomfortable or invasive while cleaning your child's genitals you have mental health difficulties or need therapy for inappropriate thoughts are absurd.

We have very strong socialisation to view others genitals as private and also a extremely strong social fears regarding pedophilia. It is not rational to fear someone will mistake your normal behaviour for abuse, nor to fear you will accidentally harm your child while cleaning her. However, particularly for men, wise whose involvement with children is often viewed with suspicion, I can understand it as an initial, reflexive fear.

DH, in fact, asked me to supervise the first time he had to clean poo from DD's vagina as he worried he might hurt her and it felt invasive.

This isn't a defence of OP's husband. Feeling awkward is fine. Wanting a handhold the first time you do it is fine. Refusing to do it is completely unnacceptable.

The thing is, if he refuses to do it are you never going to be able to go out on your own until your daughter can wipe herself, at around 4?