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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Lodger' stressing me out

279 replies

pollyerrington · 04/12/2017 15:50

Hi, I've recently taken on a lodger. Lodger being the ultimate word - I was hoping for less of a housemate, and more of someone that keeps themselves to themselves.

When I interviewed him he mentioned having a TV in his room and a big comfy chair - great I thought, he'll definitely be in his room mostly.

EVERY night he's in my small sitting room. And he's been using my throw without asking me - so I felt I had to get him one to stop him using mine. I came home to him wrapped up in it watching sports on tv. He didn't once ask if I'd like to watch something else.

He makes tea every 20 minutes and uses multiple mugs - and leaves them on the side unwashed.
The worst thing though is that he sits in the sitting room and eats his food and does it with his mouth open. It makes me want to leave the room, the noise is honestly so horrible, and then he slurps his tea.

I had a date night the other night (clearly said it a couple of times) but he stayed in the sitting room whilst we had our date night!

I want to talk to him later to explain that I advertised for a lodger, not a housemate, and that I'd like him in the sitting room less.

Is that fair? and how do I go about saying it?! I don't want to be passive aggressive....
TIA.

OP posts:
brasty · 04/12/2017 16:30

Well since people on here have very different ideas of what a lodger should use, then you need to make it clear. If you don't make it clear in the contract and verbally, you can't really complain.

twofingerstoEverything · 04/12/2017 16:31

that's why a lodger pays less than a housemate.

Do they though?

Yes. In my area a lodging would be around £400/month, inclusive of all bills. A two bed flat would rent for approx £900-1000/month PLUS council tax (c. £130) PLUS gas/elec (c. £80) PLUS water/sewage (c.£40) PLUS broadband/line rental (c.£20)

The amounts might be different, but I imagine a similar principle would apply throughout the UK.

jobergamot · 04/12/2017 16:31

Give him notice and get another one but be very clear from the outset what your expectations and boundaries are.

twofingerstoEverything · 04/12/2017 16:32

See what don't really get what a "lodger" is! I rented out a room when I had my own house but the person was allowed in the sitting room!! Hearing him shagging his girlfriend in there was less fun but hey-ho.

Seriously? Why on earth would you put up with this in your home?

BritInUS1 · 04/12/2017 16:35

Do you have a dining room? Where do you want him to eat?

stitchglitched · 04/12/2017 16:35

I agree with the manspreading comment. Even if use of the living room was included, it takes some nerve to monopolise the room all the time, hog the TV and sit in on your landlady's date! He is paying for a room, he isn't going halves on a house and all it's bills.

GreenShadow · 04/12/2017 16:36

So difficult.

We also have an (unwanted, uninvited) lodger stuck with us at the moment so I have every sympathy.

But I'm not entirely sure you can restrict him if he is a paying tenant unless it was made 100% clear at the outset that he didn't have full access to all facilities.

xotyl · 04/12/2017 16:39

Put a bed in the sitting room and rent it out. Use the extra money to go away a lot. Or have a frank grown up conversation about boundaries and expectations.

CheeriosEverywhere · 04/12/2017 16:42

Your boundaries are all over the place. You say one thing but do another. You can't say well you can't use the living room ok you can but not too much you can't eat there well you can if you are quiet.....etc etc.

You need to make your rules at the start and stick to them. I'd ditch this one and get a new one, with a firm contract from the start.

Alabasterangel6 · 04/12/2017 16:42

I had several lodgers when I was a lone householder. Definitely only had use of their own room and the kitchen/bathroom. In the kitchen they all kind of moved in empty handed and used my pots/pans/crockery etc which again is a bit different from a house share. Appliances, furniture etc was mine as was the repair of such. This was MY house with a paid room rental, unlike a house share where the stuff in the house is shared too, if that makes sense? Don’t get me wrong; we rubbed along okay. If we were home together on a week night and both about to watch the same film, I’d always say ‘you’re welcome to watch it down here’. But the reception areas of the house were very much my territory.

brasty · 04/12/2017 16:43

A 2 bed flat is totally different to renting a room and sharing a living room etc. You have to compare the prices to a room in a shared house. Also depends on the size and decor of his room.

Popchyk · 04/12/2017 16:45

I'd also just give notice. This won't get any better. Anyone who just sits there like a lemon in the living room whilst the owner of the house is trying to have a date in that room is never going to be a good person to share a house with. Whether he is a lodger, tenant, housesharer, homeowner, whatever.

So you can get rid now or have months of unpleasantness and stress before you are eventually forced to kick him out. I know which I'd choose.

If you are in a city or a large town, could you advertise for a Monday to Friday lodger? So someone who works away from their own home during the week and returns there at weekends. That would give you a lot more "space".

RhiannonOHara · 04/12/2017 16:50

you can't have it both ways like that, granting him access to the living room at your pleasure. He'll think you're a complete dick. Either he rents space in the whole house or just the room and kitchen/bathroom facilities.

I have to agree with this. You need to be crystal-clear and consistent, otherwise it's not fair.

I went to look at a room as a lodger ages ago and they were very clear that I had my bedroom, access to the bathroom and a scullery/kitchenette of my own, and that the living room was not part of the deal.

I didn't take it (for other reasons) but I thought that was fair and clear.

starfishmummy · 04/12/2017 16:50

Sounds like the lodger and OP are just not compatible. Give him notice and find someone else bit think about what rooms you are willing to share and get it clear from the start

soupforbrains · 04/12/2017 16:54

Some posters here don't really understand i think. There IS a difference between a house share and having a lodger.

Firstly in a lodger arrangement one of the residents is the owner of the property. they don't have a 'right' to use the whole property and not all non-bedrooms are considered to be shared spaces.

The Citizens Advice Bureau defines it as ^"A lodger is someone who lives with you as part of your household sharing some of your accommodation, such as the bathroom or kitchen. They may have their 'own' room, but they live in your home with your permission and don't have the right to exclude you from their room or any part of your home.

Lodgers may receive extra services such as cleaning, laundry or meals.^

It is not the same as a joint tenancy or a house share.

You are well within your rights to have a word with him. As someone else has mentioned the rent you are charging presumably reflects the fact that this is a lodging arrangement not a house share, and so he can like it or lump it. I would make sure that you discuss not only his usage of the sitting room, but also the mugs. He may be under the illusion that cleaning and dishwashing etc. are part of your agreement so it's best to clarify that too.

VioletHaze · 04/12/2017 16:56

I must admit, I always thought 'lodger' was like a flatmate, but with landlady in situ. I used to have lodgers and they always used the sitting room etc.

Agree with everyone else. You need to be clear about exactly what he's paying for - if he's just paying for the room and access to kitchen and bathroom that should be in contract and reflected in rent. If he's paying more of a flatshare rate and is allowed access to the living room, you sort of have to deal with him as a flatmate, which means it's his home too.

But sympathy. Sharing space can be hard.

Jux · 04/12/2017 17:00

Contract says room and use of kitchen. Remind him. Then tell himo expect him wash up after himself, and whatever other houserules you have, like how often you expect him to hoover his room etc.

Trinity66 · 04/12/2017 17:05

Contract says room and use of kitchen. Remind him.

But she needs to very clear about that because when she's replied here she's said well I don't mind him using it a little bit......... By the sounds of it she needs to go all or nothing with this guy, either not use it at all or he's going to be in there all the time

puddingpen · 04/12/2017 17:06

Ah, I think I see the issue now. You don't mind a lodger using the room in theory, but you want a lodger who is considerate and clears out when you have a date/ eats politely/ washes up. My advice stands - tell him it's not working for you, and he has the option to be a bit more considerate or find somewhere else.

YouDancin · 04/12/2017 17:13

I think you should go home, take a deep breath and say
"There seems to be a misunderstanding on the terms of your Lodgings. It does not include the use of the living room (except when I am out - maybe if you don't mind this) nor my personal belongings.
I would like to watch my own TV which is why you have one in your room. So from tonight onwards I want this space to myself.

Also in my house i expect you to clean up after yourself and this means not leaving dirty crockery in the kitchen.

If this isn't what you wanted when you started living here then we can agree a contract end date but these rules are effective from now."

Print it out and read it to him if you need a prompt.
No 'please' and 'sorry' - as this is how it is and this is your house.
You can say you have been uncomfortable about broaching the subject (or not) if it gives you a preamble. But say it's not working for you and this is not what he signed up for - show the thing he signed.

Good Luck!

Whizbang · 04/12/2017 17:13

Clearly the understanding of 'lodger' is widely variable as can be seen on this thread. In my neck of the woods you'd pay the same as a lodger as for a house share and expect to have access to the whole house.

SukiTheDog · 04/12/2017 17:13

Perhaps you ought to have advertised it as Room For aren’t with shared kitchen and bathroom.

As it stands yabu. When I was lodging I stayed in my room quite a bit as had TV and it was really comfy. There was no way I wanted to sit with the “landlord” and make chit chat.

I did always clean up after myself though. Never left pots lying about.

Viviennemary · 04/12/2017 17:14

Well I can see why this is annoying. To be honest I'd say this isn't working can you find somewhere else. Did he think he could have use of the sitting room or not. If he did then it's a bit unfair to restrict the use. I don't think you're really cut out for having a lodger. Sharing is grim a lot of the time. I sympathise.

Vitalogy · 04/12/2017 17:14

What about letting him know the arrangement isn't working out, write down all the rules/regs in a polite manner, if it doesn't suit him, then get another lodger. Would it be possible to set up a wee kitchen are in the lodgers room, they'd only have to use the kitchen to wash up and the bathroom then.

RaininSummer · 04/12/2017 17:20

I am getting a lodger after Christmas and they will not be using my living room unless specifically invited in to maybe watch a film. What the OP said about them hogging the TV etc is my main reason but I just don't want a near stranger in my relaxing space after work. This will be made clear before they decide to move in though. The wil be paying rent to have use of certain rooms and the garden not the whole house.

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