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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Lodger' stressing me out

279 replies

pollyerrington · 04/12/2017 15:50

Hi, I've recently taken on a lodger. Lodger being the ultimate word - I was hoping for less of a housemate, and more of someone that keeps themselves to themselves.

When I interviewed him he mentioned having a TV in his room and a big comfy chair - great I thought, he'll definitely be in his room mostly.

EVERY night he's in my small sitting room. And he's been using my throw without asking me - so I felt I had to get him one to stop him using mine. I came home to him wrapped up in it watching sports on tv. He didn't once ask if I'd like to watch something else.

He makes tea every 20 minutes and uses multiple mugs - and leaves them on the side unwashed.
The worst thing though is that he sits in the sitting room and eats his food and does it with his mouth open. It makes me want to leave the room, the noise is honestly so horrible, and then he slurps his tea.

I had a date night the other night (clearly said it a couple of times) but he stayed in the sitting room whilst we had our date night!

I want to talk to him later to explain that I advertised for a lodger, not a housemate, and that I'd like him in the sitting room less.

Is that fair? and how do I go about saying it?! I don't want to be passive aggressive....
TIA.

OP posts:
southeastdweller · 06/12/2017 08:22

This comes up time and time again in lodger threads and what most of us say is the same thing - you should have been explicit about your requirements when you interviewed him (as difficult as it may have been). His and yours needs are clearly very different so I think you should give him notice and put this down to experience.

twofingerstoEverything · 06/12/2017 08:48

dusty In the end we had to be clear with the latter: basically we expect you to be "out" unless the weather is terrible of course.

This is utterly unreasonable. I say that as someone who has had lodgers for a long, long time, and who is of the 'my living room is not your living room' persuasion.

CaretakerToNuns · 06/12/2017 09:17

I don't see anything wrong with it - the lodger is effectively a stranger in someone else's home.

For security and safety reasons, if nothing else, it makes complete sense that the lodger spends as little time in the house as possible. This is why a typical lodger is preferably a working professional who uses the house solely to sleep and shower and who goes home at weekends, not some unemployed slob who lazes around the house all day, every day.

QueenEnid · 06/12/2017 10:12

I think YABU OP.

If you have a lodger then you need to make things clear to them about your expectations. There's no point sitting there stewing about it when as far as they can see there's no issue!!

I had 2 mon-fri lodgers a few years ago. I wanted mon -fri rather than someone permanent as I liked having my house to myself at the weekend. Occasionally I'd let them stay an extra night if they were working the weekend or whatever but my home was never their home.

Our arrangement was clearly set out at the beginning. I would change the bedding weekly. They were to leave any dirty plates in the dishwasher and wipe down the sides of any crumbs they'd left. They had space in my kitchen for food and whatever space they wanted in the fridge. The washing machine was available if they wanted it but being mon-fri they didn't tend to bother. They were allowed to leave suit jackets etc in the room as no one wants to carry around a wrinkled suit, but they weren't to permanently move in so to speak!

If you have someone there everyday then you need to be clear about what you do and don't want them to do. I would be unhappy lodging somewhere on a permanent basis and not being able to use the lounge! That's pretty harsh! But if they're your rules then let him know so he can give you notice!!

VioletHaze · 06/12/2017 10:24

CaretakerToNuns - what do you think working professionals do? Work 15 hour days, then sleep and go back to work? Surely working professionals also want somewhere to relax in the evenings, or on a day off etc. At least, I work five days per week and would be pretty miserable if I were expected to only come home to shower and sleep and then get out again.

I feel incredibly sorry for anyone who is stuck with that kind of awful unfriendly living environment.

brasty · 06/12/2017 10:27

Yes the lodger is a stranger in your house who is paying you money to be there.

SukiTheDog · 06/12/2017 10:54

The lodger is paying for somewhere to live. There are some mean spirited fuckers on here. I wouldn’t want someone helping themselves to my food/makeup/personal stuff but, you cannot have someone living with you, collecting the cash and then expecting them to make likemthey don’t exist. You are being very, very unreasonable and unkind.

RhiannonOHara · 06/12/2017 11:13

In the end we had to be clear with the latter: basically we expect you to be "out" unless the weather is terrible of course.

That's the definition of a shite B&B, not a home providing accommodation for a lodger Hmm.

Anyone who is so averse to lodgers but insists on taking them in anyway should at least do the poor fuckers a favour and only get Mon–Fri or midweek people; those who expressly come to London (or wherever) to work, are out at work all day, back briefly to cook and sleep, and absent at weekends.

TheHodgeHeg · 06/12/2017 11:24

Sounds like you need a different lodger.

VioletHaze · 06/12/2017 11:30

That's the definition of a shite B&B, not a home providing accommodation for a lodger - that's the kind of attitude you get from homeless shelters and I know how soul destroying they are to live in. Were the lodgers expected just to walk the streets if they weren't in work? Or go and sit in a park?

It's like a nineteenth century doss house.

Lizzie48 · 06/12/2017 11:51

I was perfectly happy with not being allowed in the living room. As long as the rules were clear and I knew where I was and wasn't welcome to go, that was perfectly acceptable to me. Especially if I had a comfortable room with a TV and an armchair there was no problem.

The best place actually, now that I think about it, was as a student in lodgings with 3 other ladies, and a landlady on the ground floor. We didn't use her space at all, and had our own kitchen for our use. The only thing was that we weren't allowed to use her washing machine, she did our washing for us once a week on request.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 06/12/2017 12:20

For security and safety reasons, if nothing else, it makes complete sense that the lodger spends as little time in the house as possible. This is why a typical lodger is preferably a working professional who uses the house solely to sleep and shower and who goes home at weekends, not some unemployed slob who lazes around the house all day, every day.

God. I'm a 'working professional' who lodged until I could afford to get a place by myself. I wasn't remotely interested in using the lounge and I was out a lot at weekends but if I was tired, or felt ill, I wanted to be able to relax in my room without feeling that I should have to apologise for my presence.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 06/12/2017 13:17

I remember having a lodger as a kid and she kept herself to herself most of the time although it was perfectly acceptable for her to join us in the living room. She was really lovely actually.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 13:23

For security reasons? But you're taking money for a stranger to sleep overnight in your house? Hmm

RidingMyBike · 06/12/2017 13:43

There are some appalling attitudes to lodgers on here. I had to be a lodger for a while and had an awful time - told I was welcome to use the living room and kitchen, but then they made comments about when I was cooking (they basically wanted me to cook and eat at 5.30pm or not at all) and plainly didn’t want me in their living room. I ended up spending a lot of evenings sat in my car pretending to be out as the room I was renting was so tiny there was only room for a bed in it and I didn’t want to spend all my time outside work either sitting or lying on the bed.

They were charging £500 a month for this. They openly said they needed the money for the mortgage and weren’t interested in the person they were living with. What happened was I got so depressed I ended up off sick from work for weeks so was then in the house all the time, which pissed them off no end.

brasty · 06/12/2017 13:51

Who uses a house to simply sleep and shower???

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 13:53

'There are some appalling attitudes to lodgers on here.'

But not towards taking their money.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 06/12/2017 14:08

If you see a lodger as an inconvenience you'd rather ignore, then make sure their room is large enough to double up as a living room - TV, table & chair, comfy armchair. And if you want them to be neither seen nor heard then spell that out very clearly.

Or find another way to make money.

SukiTheDog · 06/12/2017 16:06

Good grief.... we took in a poorly dog with one eye once. It need a home to convaless in. It was treated with more respect that many of the posters on here would treat a person, paying good money to live there.

It wasn’t allowed in the beds though 😉

nooka · 06/12/2017 17:07

The OP has already said that the lodger's room is large and has a comfy chair and TV. My dh looked at lodging when he worked away from home for a while. In the end he got a self contained suite, but renting a room in someone's home was a definite option. Cheaper than a hotel and less anonymous, so long as everyone is up front about expectations it's just another option for a living space.

We had students live with us like this as a child (included a bit of babysitting for a much cheaper rate) and I'd be happy if my almost student aged children decided to lodge at some point in the future. Cheap living space for someone with not much money and an income supplement to someone who needs it. As with all shared living arrangements requires consideration all round.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 06/12/2017 17:11

The OP has already said that the lodger's room is large and has a comfy chair and TV.

And as far as I was concerned that was the ideal lodging situation - self-contained space & completely reasonable that he shouldn't use her living room. I think the OP's definitely NBU, but the ones who expect lodgers to either be out of the house all the time or cramped in tiny rooms aren't.

SukiTheDog · 09/12/2017 10:59

How’s it going now, OP? Is he gone or buried under the floorboards?

astoundedgoat · 09/12/2017 11:23

I would say you are not suited to being a landlady and you should consider another method of making money.

She says that she has had several lodgers and never had this issue before, and also that the contract clearly states that his rent does NOT include access to the sitting room etc. The only problem here is that she was hesitating to be blunt with him, not that she is an inexperienced landlady.

dustyparadeground · 09/12/2017 18:31

I don't at all think we were unreasonable to expect our guests to be "out" ...on the contrary we had of course asked previously what they were doing and everyone replied either working or in some cases studying. We obviously need them to be out for cleaning and linen change etc. And we had plenty of good reviews and nice comments. It was only the occasional person we had to encourage to go out - gently of course. It was less stressful to be clear with people, that we expected a private family life as well. In several years and probably 30 short term lodgers (we set a maximum of 120 days) we only had 1 person who I wouldn't want back

fridgepants · 09/12/2017 22:46

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