To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

[user1495362060]

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

Thing is, OP doesn't have any information. She doesn't know the other families. She doesn't know if 'No, I don't have any children' means 'I am a weirdo' or 'I am the brother of [another parent] or half way through my nursery worker training and getting some extra experience, or even I work in a care home and some of the kids are kids I am key worker for.'

It depends how many conversations OP has had with any of the other adults there. The bloke might actually be a single parent of one of the DC and have given OP a stupid answer because he was fed up with being asked nosy questions.

Yes, abusers may well insinuate themselves into the community in order to groom, but there really isn't one under every shrub.

Agree, Willsa

It's weird no matter how you look at it.

Do you know any background details about his life? Does he have a job or a partner? My first thought would be autistic but I wouldn't be concerned at all if it was all in full view of the parents. I think your instincts of the possibility of him having lost a child or a sibling could be right. Don't go wading in assuming the worst.

I can't believe anyone is trying to explain this away as normal behaviour. He may not be a paedophile but this is an extremely odd way to behave and I would not be comfortable with it.

Any right thinking man, with consideration and awareness, would realise that this behaviour falls outside of appropriate boundaries. If other parents want to take a chance on this bloke being an all round good egg then let them crack on. There's not a chance in hell I'd let him communicate and "play" with my children. His sense of entitlement is as pathetic as his creepy infantilism.

I was planning to post pretty much this. As nice as it would be to believe that people are too suspicious "these days" and that 99.9% of people are completely innocent, this situation is just too weird and off to be considered normal. As the PP I quoted wrote, if he is not aware that this could be considered a red flag either, I would also find that alarming. FWIW I would (and have, as a vaguely similar but luckily one off event happened with me and my DD) also be on guard if it was a woman rather than a man in this scenario.

In regards to the other parents seeming to be accepting of his presence - I remember seeing a short film or reading a story which was based on a genuine psychological phenomenon, where a group of people at a bus stop saw a man across the street being beaten and mugged by another man. Nobody actually called the police, because everyone one of them assumed someone else would do it, and because it was uncomfortable/distressing they didn't want to get involved. This is also why there is advice spread around to call out to a specific person (such as "you in the red shirt, call an ambulance") if you need help in a public place, because people will often assume someone else will help and not want to get involved themselves. My point is, don't assume that because the parents are not confronting this guy, they are aware of a legitimate and innocent reason why he is doing this. It could be that each parent just assumes there is a non scary reason for him being there, or they could be suspicious themselves but appease themselves by thinking he's not actually done anything wrong.

I probably come across IRL as overly protective of my DD, but like other PP's I have unfortunately been a victim of SA as a child, and it is nothing like the stereotypical scary strange man you've never met dragging you off down a dark alley because you accepted his sweets; it's almost always someone you know in some way and often someone you know well.

These people know what they are doing and I do think they rely to an extent on parents not being willing or able to believe that someone they think they know and who has the balls to speak to them could be willing to harm their child. I am probably hyper vigilant because of my past but frankly coming across as rude, confrontational or over protective is much lower on my list of worries than the prospect of my DD coming to any harm.

P.s. sorry for the lack of coherency I am super tired from being up with a 2 week old

But you're looking for 'innocent' reasons for him to be there SGB.

If he was there to prey on any easy to spot vulnerable children who maybe have less adult supervision than the norm, he'd be banking on any parents passing (and usually it's for quite a short time) through to legitimise his presence there in exactly the same way.

You say they're not behind every shrub, but that's the point, they're not wearing a dirty old mac, they come across a totally normal, friendly, fun people.

You know as much as I do as to the figures of how many there are in reality, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that there are way more than either of us think there are.

No, @stella23 if she was a woman she'd be statistically less likely to be a paedophile who was caught or convicted. Female paedophiles are probably just as prevalent, just not recognised by society to the same level yet. People are the risk, not the gender.

Also OP YABU as it could be perfectly innocent, but also YANBU as I'd have my kids away from there asap too probably

Have none of the other parents said anything about how he came to be a regular feature?

YANBU - Grown-ups who are always with the kids and never with the adults are a massive red flag in my book - whether it's a cousin at a family gathering or a lone man at a playground. He has befriended the children, not an age appropriate friendship and he has gained the trust of the parents. This is exactly what abusers do. I would have all the bad feelings about this.
If a childless middle aged women was doing the same thing , it would still be really weird.

It doesn't matter if he's in full view of the parents. He's gaining the trust of children.

Paedophiles are often clever, devious and play the long game and every trick in the book. A book they share with each other in many cases.

He will see these children in other settings and situations at some point. Perhaps walking home from school or in a shop momentarily unsupervised - any number of scenarios - they know him from the playground, their parents have merrily allowed him to be viewed as benign and trustworthy by their own complicit behaviour. So they then go off with him or whatever.

OP, don't be that parent.

'If other parents want to take a chance on this bloke being an all round good egg then let them crack on.'

That's an awful thing to say!

That you'd be fine with them gambling their children's wellbeing on this bloke being a good egg?

And hard cheese on their children if he's not because mine would be alright??

Horse-shit trinity squirrel

People are naive af. It's a paedo.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight)

Are any of the parents getting physically involved like this? If there are a large group of children who are there regularly wouldn't the children just do this themselves? They don't need an adult getting involved.

I am the relaxed end of the spectrum on lots of things (my son was allowed to play outside with friends / go up town/ travel on his own at ages which were low compared to many MNetters) but I would be uncomfortable with this.

If there is a large group of children (grammar fail)

AgentZigzag - no. I didn't mean that and was being rather hyperbolic and snarky. Apologies.

What I meant really is for the OP to trust her common sense and instincts. And not those who take the "poor man, he could be x,y or z" route of reasoning. Obviously there are parents there who have no concerns. Nobody can force them to, if they want to bask in their liberal and myopic fantasy life. I'm merely warning against the "if you can't beat them join them" stance.

Speak up. If they won't listen or engage, then take your children elsewhere. Hopefully after reporting this to the police.

And indeed people on this thread have said they'd have no issue. I'd be concerned for their children, yes. But who can stop them "cracking on" if they refuse to see anything wrong?

I don't think you have to be polite about it. Strangers in the community don't get dibs on kids. I kind of think it's a bit weird that he hasn't considered how he's coming across enough to back off.

It could be innocent (eg if he has a mental disability of some kind) but even so it's still inappropriate. Someone like this could still get interaction with children through more supervised means like helping out at a beavers group or church playscheme maybe.

I would tell my kids to avoid playing with him and reinforce that he's a stranger and so you don't know whether he's a good or bad person. I would only confront him if he specifically approaches your kids. If he is too difficult to avoid unfortunately I'd feel I had to avoid the playground.

The difficulty is that the other parents don't mind as if they did you could get the police involved to nicely tell him to leave people's kids alone. I wonder if you spoke to enough people whether you'd find there were quite a few people that actually did mind. But if he's been doing it for a few years and no one had been hurt I guess that's why he may be allowed to continue.

The only excuse for this behaviour is if he had a learning disability, otherwise I would be suspicious, definitely, otherwise he would be abundantly aware of how to inappropriate his behaviour is (which he probably is - but is probably also relying on the fact that you aren’t, or are too conscious of calling him out on it).

' But who can stop them "cracking on" if they refuse to see anything wrong?'

Although it often results in OTT guilty feelings when there's probably no need (eg AIBU to feed my DC fish finger sarnies with ice cream for afters 3 times a week ), it's that public cats bum mouth judgemental outrage that the Brit public do so well that can force a sea change in how situations are read and responded to by the parental general public?

That whatever 'innocent' situation can be dreamt up is ridiculed for the crap that it is, and a blanket 'there is no innocent reason for the man to be there' is an easy to go to thought process whenever a grey area decision is needed?

I don't know, maybe it's that? That I see it as black and white and can't understand anyone who sees a grey area. I would never give anyone the benefit of the doubt if it came to my DDs? It hasn't resulted in them being anything but friendly, happy, and trusting people, they're just aware that flags sometimes need to be read if they come across them.

I would report this to Social Services. It is clearly not okay, and I am amazed that anyone could be making excuses for him.

And if he was a nursery nurse or a care home worker, he would know that you never do this, even if you know the children.

And yes, he is grooming the children. Take responsibility OP for safeguarding children and report it. Just because other parents are being naive, does not mean you have to be.