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Original poster

Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

270 replies

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:34

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/12/2017 19:16

Congratulations OP.

My dsis got married at a registry office w two witnesses grabbed off the street. She was always v anti marriage (as an institution) but when her ds was on the way they both realised that it was a lot simpler to marry than try and sort out legal rights and responsibilities any other way.

18 years on they are still going strong and have never needed the protection it gave - and I wish you likewise.

Codlet · 02/12/2017 19:17

Good news OP!

expatinscotland · 02/12/2017 19:29

Get to the registry office!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2017 19:30

Grin. it’a cancel the cheque all over again!

Congratulations, OP! Very wise move!

StarWarsFanatic · 02/12/2017 19:36

Curly I think as long as traditions involve repeating this and laws don't change to reflect a changing society people will continue to have these issues. For example my Dad 'gave me away' because he would have been really offended otherwise but I wasn't comfortable with it as I am not property. When a woman marries she can either keep her name or take her husband's. A husband must have a change of name deed to take his wife's on the other hand. It is the same for double barrelling.

mumonashoestring · 02/12/2017 19:41

When a woman marries she can either keep her name or take her husband's. A husband must have a change of name deed to take his wife's on the other hand. It is the same for double barrelling.

Utterly untrue, don't let anyone tell you your DH would need anything more than your marriage certificate to take your name. All that happens when you marry with regard to names is you gain the right to use the other person's surname and it works both ways.

IsaSchmisa · 02/12/2017 20:03

A woman can call herself whatever she likes regardless of marital status, and so can a man. You have exactly the same right to the other person's surname and indeed any other both before and after the marriage, and don't legally require a deed poll. The only restriction is that you can't be using the name for the purposes of deception.

With that said, this is a law many people are completely unaware of and are also quite happy to invent things to fill in the gaps. See above. This includes people working in institutions. Lots of institutions want a paper trail, even though you're not legally obliged to have one. A marriage certificate can be that paper trail. But no more or less so than a deed poll.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 02/12/2017 20:13

If you’re not married and three years down the line you split up, you’re stuffed.

If you’re good enough to be mother his child you’re good enough to be his wife. At least as his wife you will have some security.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/12/2017 20:40

Good call op.

Acadia · 02/12/2017 21:21

Eventually we got married once I realised he could evict us from the house if he so chose. It happened to a friend of mine. Unmarried. He told her to leave "his" house, and the children, and that was that. She had no right to stay, it wasn't 'her' house and wasn't 'her' asset. She lived in a single room at her mothers with three kids for a year on the council waiting list, and now lives in poorly-maintained accommodation with damp and nearby vandalism. He, with a house to his name and a fat salary, has a new woman and new baby who I'm sure he will toss aside in a few more years.

Men have stood up in court and tried to claim their partners of decades were 'just lodgers'.

The law will protect you when your partner will not.

StarWarsFanatic · 02/12/2017 21:21

Sorry, I should have said that owing to popular misconception about the legality of changing one's name a lot of institutions can be PITA about changing a name after marriage. A lot of deed poll services perpetuate this. DH's bank were happy with seeing marriage certificate but mine wanted to see a deed-poll. It was easier & cheaper for us to have loads of copies of deed-polls rather than loads of marriage certificates so we could send them all to relevant institutions at the same time but that is just my experience. Regardless this is off-topic.

Summergarden · 02/12/2017 21:52

I wouldnt do it unless was married first.
All your other planning sounds fine though.

roundaboutthetown · 03/12/2017 05:49

Thank God you've decided to marry, OP. I find it incredible how few people seem to understand that a marriage is a legal contract bringing important rights, responsibilities and protections, not a silly romantic notion and an expensive party. It's ridiculous to forgo the legal protection until you can afford the irrelevant party if you are going to take the otherwise colossal risk of giving up work to rely on someone else's income.

confusedlittleone · 03/12/2017 06:36

@goodbyeeee so that when they spilt the op can take her child away without being asked a bucket load of questions, and it'll be the op doing alll of the looking after

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/12/2017 07:14

Why would any woman want a child with a man who doesn't WANT to protect her with all the legal rights marriage affords. ? Surely a man who loves his partner sufficiently to create a child with her- would equally want her protected to the maximum of his ability.

If she CHOOSES not to marry then that is her choice - but the option should always be hers once children are planned. I would NEVER have had children with a man who didn't consider my best interests in this regard.

GreyMorning · 03/12/2017 07:26

I gave up work when I had DC1, I wasn't married, had been together less than 2 years, I had no savings, he bought the house in his name and I chipped in 5% of the purchase price in cash, gave DC1 his name. No plans to marry, not even engaged. Broke ALL the MN rules, yet... we are now happily married with two children and I'm more qualified in my career than i was when I stopped FT work.

The trick is not to have children with someone who's a massive bell-end (I had to date a lot of them first to learn the difference though)

IsaSchmisa · 03/12/2017 08:39

And to be psychic.

roundaboutthetown · 03/12/2017 09:22

And to know what's in his will.

Original poster
carringtonm · 03/12/2017 09:53

@roundaboutthetown I wrote his will 😂 He just signed it. I'm sure there will be some MN disapproval about this now...

OP posts:
IsaSchmisa · 03/12/2017 09:58

The problem being that you can see whatever you want, there's nothing stopping them from changing it without telling you and if you're not married you'd find it difficult to challenge it. Not relevant for you as you're getting married OP, but useful to remember that you never really 'know' what's in someone's will. Even if you drafted the thing!

There's a poster on here who wrote a will for a bloke making his unmarried partner as the beneficiary then he came in alone the week after and changed it. Was mentioned recently. Sobering.

Original poster
carringtonm · 03/12/2017 10:03

@IsaSchmisa Does being married provide any more security in the case of the will then? Even if a couple are married, there's nothing to stop one of them changing their will and removing their spouse.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/12/2017 10:10

A spouse has an automatic claim on your estate - so even if you rewrite it to purposefully exclude them, its almost guarenteed they can win "reasonable provision" even if the will states it all goes straight to the cat's home.

As a spouse you also inherit the first 200k tax free.

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 10:12

@carringtonm even if they remove the spouse, the spouse is much more likely to have a successful claim than an unmarried partner, to challenging the will under the inheritance act

www.graysons.co.uk/advice/how-does-your-marital-status-affect-your-will/

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 10:16

As long as both partners are UK domiciled, IHT does not apply

The limit for a non married or partnered couple is £325,000

honeylulu · 03/12/2017 10:17

Congratulations OP. As others have said you can select the simplest ceremony. You will have to recite vows but there are different versions including very simple, brief ones and its literally minutes, then you sign the certificates and you're done.
No legal requirement to make a grand entrance, exchange rings, have a reception or cars, flowers, cake, new outfits etc. It can be as low key as you like. You don't even have to tell anyone afterwards if you don't want to.

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