Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

Get married

Why should she give the child her surname? The name makes no odds.

If the father is at the registration of the birth and on the birth certificate he will have parental responsibility. If they get married later down the line the child/children may need to be re-registered.

Are you suggesting she should keep her DP off the birth certificate so he has no parental responsibility just because they are not married?

No, I think he should be present at registration of the birth and have parental responsibility.

I'm thinking in case of them splitting up, that she doesn't want the child to have a different name from her - it makes things awkward. That's especially if they're not married (no way in hell should the child have a different name from her if they're not married), but even if they are married then it's wise for the baby to have her name.

My children have my DP's name. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Even if we split up he'd still be their father (and a pretty damn good one at that). We made the decision to have them together, we raise them together, he has parental responsibility. Why does what they are called matter? Why is my name preferable to his? Because I have birth?

*gave birth

In case no one else has mentioned it: get married. Don’t need to tell anyone or make a big deal of it - short appointment at tge registry office gives you and your dc legal protection. Don’t need to change your name or use Mrs.

OK, so to date you entire time together has been as complete equals - both working full time and paying into the joint account, and both with savings, with no children to care for.

This is about to change, hugely, with the addition of a newborn baby, and the end of your financial independence. Do not under estimate the massive impact those two major life changes will have on your relationship.

Keep your job and wait until you see how life with a baby works out.

Again, thanks to everyone for the great advice.

Had a chat with DP and we're going to look into the local registry office and their options this week. Do we need to book a 'ceremony' if it's purely the document signing that we want? And can witnesses be anyone or only non-family? (as with witnesses for signing mortgage agreements etc.)

Witness can be anyone or family.

There is a very simple exchange of vows (you don’t have to learn then off by heart) and you can add additional ones if you want.

we did the simplest possible legal ceremony (because we planned a "proper" do a month later abroad). We had 2 friends as witnesses but they still are the only ones who know when and where it happened. We all wore jeans and t-shirts, no music, no rings, just the standard vows the office gave us. You can also just ask strangers to be witnesses I think

Glad you're looking at marriage now OP, I'm having a baby with my DP and we're not getting married, but I'm the higher earner and I'll be going back to work after maternity leave, I certainly wouldn't consider being a SAHM and unmarried.

You do need to book yes, usually two appointments. You need to give notice of intention to marry, which normally requires an appointment, and then you can marry 28 days later. You do need to book somewhere rather than just turn up. But it can be as low key as you like and you don't even need to have met the witnesses. Just turn up in your oldest jeans, or your pyjamas if you like, do the necessaries and then walk straight out again. Whole thing should be no more than a couple of hundred quid and certainly well south of £500. Much cheaper than several hours of legal fees!

Get married first. Nobody thinks they'll be the one to get shafted. And even if your relationship is made in heaven, he could die.

Wills alone don't cut it, they can be changed in secret and are nullified by marriage to someone else.

You do not need a big expensive wedding. Just do it at the registry office. It is a piece of piss and I cannot understand why anyone would give up their earnings without this protection.

Sorry, missed your last post. Good news. Congratulations in advance!

If you're in my city I'll be a witness.

^
The main reason you should get married RIGHT NOW not after DC or a few years down the line is so that should you, heaven forbid, have a crisis during childbirth, he can make decisions.^

I agree with this 1000%. DH had to do that for me when dc2 was born. In 17 years of marriage, that has been the most significant moment of where being married had a purpose over not being so. Financial and legal protection have largely existed as theoretical concepts for us fortunately, life changing medical decisions - very real.

Witnesses can be any adult, even strangers. The car park attendants by Huddersfield Civic Centre reckon they’ve witnessed a few 100.

Has anyone suggested getting married yet?

Oh I'm glad OP.

@carringtonm i got married in a registry office in October for the same reasons as you are considering it (security as a SAHM), its so easy to do.

You will need to book a ceremony, unfortunately, you can't just book the document signing! The ceremony is short, you can choose whether or not you want music and your vows beforehand. They will probably have a small room (6 people) you can hire if you're only wanting a couple of witnesses. Witnesses can be family! I had my Dad and my husband had his mum. There was only 6 of us (including the registrar), it took 20 minutes, cost £250 and was the best decision I've made (other than learning to drive before babe comes)!

Good luck x

I haven't read all the thread but have read most of it and all the OPs posts.

If you love each other enough to want to live together for ever and enough to wNt to have kids with him then you should've able to sit down and have a really good talk about what each of you think about your finances and roles within the relationship. It's all about expectations and communication.
Have a meeting with him and even try and document it. If I held get a few financial bod or a Solicetor to help.

At the very least you should have a cohabitation agreement.

Once you have trashed out the details you can get back to enjoying your family

Darn, missed your last post. Congrats OP. Even if you are mainly getting married for the paperwork it's still something to be celebrated
❤️❤️❤️❤️
DH and I only got married for legal reasons but it was still lovely.

Your local registry office should have a website that shows how much they charge for giving notice, cost of the rooms, ceremony, etc. You have to say the words as well as sign the page. If you get a second copy of the certificate at the time it is usually cheaper than requesting one at a later date and it is useful to have a spare.

Marriage serves a modern legal purpose. It may have ORIGINATED as a sexist, archaic passing over of the woman by the father to the husband but those times have long gone. I really don’t see why some people just arrange other legal arrangements instead when there is provision made in law already for these circumstances.

It’s as if some people see it as a literal ball and chain. It’s a tying together in legal terms of two people who are serious about spending their lives together. I would question anyone who didn’t want to marry me and create this legal bond but would be happy to create another human being to nurture with me and to purchase a home with me.

OP you are a fool for ignoring the marriage issue. Even my auntie who lived with her much older partner for many years accepted his proposal of marriage as he neared the age where his health was a problem. He could see that without the bond of marriage between them, then she could be left in a very vulnerable position legally. They had no children together but he had a grown up son from a much earlier marriage and they weren’t too close and I guess he was worried for my auntie’s position in the event of his death. They did it at the registry office and went for a meal with a couple of relatives afterwards and that was that.

People think of weddings as being the whole shebang with a young bride in white in a church. nothing could be further from the truth for a lot of marriages.

Curly RTFT