Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

Technically I can teach up to Y6, but I have no understanding of the KS2 curriculum and very little of the KS1 curriculum. It certainly wouldn't be something I'd be keen to get into. Would have to be a last resort if there was no early years work around.

I was going to suggest childminding too. I think a friend who does it has an end time of 6pm like many nurseries do. I guess you can set your own hours really.

I've heard of 4+ tutoring, and from at least Y2 for maths, reading.

Childminding is definitely worth considering I'd have thought, some round us just cover the school holidays? Maybe that might work? There's also lots of demand for term time only, presumably from other teachers. And triple check the holiday position, there is a statutory entitlement to 28 days a year, can't see how you can just lose that?

@Sunshinegirl82 I'll get hold of my union about the holidays, thanks.

Childminding just in the holidays might be a good balance. It would give us a little bit of extra money (not necessary for day to day, but good for independence and a lot of it can be kept as savings). Definitely worth considering once our DC is a little bit older - wouldn't fancy that with a very young child, but perhaps around the year mark.

I know that being a feminist is all about choice, and that I'm supposed to say "to work or not to work once you have DCs is entirely your personal choice" blah blah.

But I think any woman (or man, for that matter) who gives up her independence and earning ability when she has kids - married or no - is completely fucking mad.

You never know when you might need to be able to support yourself and your DCs again. For a whole variety of reasons. And just because you can't see a reason now why you might end up alone with DCs to support, well, things change. And it's fucking hard to get back into the workplace after many years off, let alone into a decent role with a decent salary and prpspects

If you don't like your career, take the opportunity to retrain or study and invest in you and your DCs future. But please don't, for the love of god, leave yourself vulnerable and potentially trapped in the future.

There are two of you having these children. Divide responsibilities and opportunities fairly and equally. You never know what the future holds.

i have a friend who was in a similar situation and her partner died suddenly in an accident. while she was going through this hideous grieving process and supporting two small children who couldn't understand what happened to daddy.... she discovered she was entitled to nothing as his Will wasn't in place, the house and assets defaulted to his mother (next of kin) who turned out to be an unholy cow and chucked friend and children out of their own home. i know that's extreme and we all pray it would never happen to us but... well just for the sake of a signature on a piece of paper at the registry office, marriage would have seen her right.

@alphasox How awful 😞 Our house is in both of our names and we have life insurance to cover the mortgage amount plus some. Our wills name one another as benefactors. We will be getting married before DC is born though purely to tie up those loose ends.

You will only lose half of the house if he servers the tenancy of the property to tenants in common - legally he must give you notice of this (in writing) by which time its already too late.

I'm sure this has been said, but marriage invalidates previous wills, so don't forget to re-do them afterwards. It would be a shame to go to the trouble and forget that bit!

@Phineyj Thank you, I don't think it had been mentioned (sorry to any PPs who did!) Would have just waited until the baby is born if you hadn't said anything.

If I don't change my name the will would read the same, so is it just a case of re-signing with the later date?

I'm a teacher. Can you please pm me? I have a lot of experience of where you are at but don't want to share publicly.

Hi @ferriswheel, I'm fairly new to MN and don't know how I pm! Can I do it from the app?

ISA; premium bonds; make a will. You're really quite vulnerable to his walking out and leaving you financially compromised (not that he will, but guarding against it is sensible).

It's worth bearing in mind that marriage has always been an economic contract at its heart. The Money Prog on R4 occasionally has advice on married mothers vs unmarried mothers, and their experts often say that being married gives a protection in law that isn't there if you aren't married. Your choice, obviously, but you might want to consider protecting you & yours.

Thanks @FeeLock28 but we have already decided to get married before the baby arrives 😊

OP A fellow unmarried teacher here who's about to give up teaching and be a SAHM. Like you, I've become disillusioned with what the career I once loved has become so giving up is no great deal for me. Once DS is older, I will work part time in a different role, perhaps tutoring, but certainly not such a career focused role as I am in now. I didnt become a mum until I was 45, so perhaps that has made the decision easier for me?

Financially, our situation is very like yours and - for us - it works fine. People do tell me that I 'should' be married (been together for 11 years), but both DP and I feel having a child is a far greater commitment than getting married (especially when so many marriages fail anyway) and we would not have gone into it had we not have been 100% committed to our relationship.

Our choice not to get married at present has nothing to do with commitment. It's just that redundancy, relocation, illness and the adoption process have been more pressing issues. We will marry if and when it suits us - not when society dictates!

Goodness Rufus - no one is suggesting being married stops your relationship breaking down, just if it does (or something else goes wrong like one of you dying), you'll be in a much better position.

Rufus it's not about what you should do - it's about what is practical! Being married is a cheaper way of accomplishing a whole load of things you can pay to do another way.

Regarding wills, I don't think it's to do with what you call yourself but with your legal status. You'll be seeing a solicitor at some point, right? You can also include in the will your choice of guardians if anything should happen to you both. It would probably be a good idea to run it by whoever who choose first (the friends we chose as back up to my DSIS and DBIL said yes but we accidentally caused them to stress out as they had not taken care of this point themselves!)

I am probably super cautious but I always think the time to discuss these matters is when there is NOT a problem...!

but both DP and I feel having a child is a far greater commitment than getting married

That's true, but having a child doesn't give you security in law, make you next of kin to each other, give you inheritance tax exemption, nullify existing wills and so on.

I mean, don't marry if you don't want to, of course not. It just drives me bonkers to see otherwise intelligent people consistently failing to understand what it actually IS.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/experts/article-2409754/Is-true-getting-remarried-invalidates-will.html [it's slightly more complicated than I thought, however, a solicitor will advise what's best to do - I don't know if it might be better to do it after the birth of the DC or whether you do it 'in contemplation of marriage' and add a reference to 'any children of the marriage' or something - ask someone who knows].

Get your partner to continue to make pension contributions on your behalf. It's not fair otherwise.

I would strongly advise you not to quit your job. Wait and see how things are going when you are on mat leave. I don't want to sound patronising but it's impossible to know how you feel when the dynamics of your marriage change, you drop your career and are solely reliant on your partners income. I can't imagine how you are going to manage financially either, three of you on one persons salary, and you have indicated that your DH'S salary can't be much more than your teachers salary (I'm not saying this is impossible or that families don't do it, bit it will surely be a big drop relative to what your are acustomed) I feel the best option for you would be to keep teaching but drop to 2 or 3 days a week. Plenty of us (I mean me!) Have made short term decisions just because we were totally loved up with our babies! I've been back at work 5 years and am still on a lower grade than pre- maternity. It's tough getting back to work and very few stay home forever!

I dont know if anyone has mentioned it but get a reference from your current employer. Or a statement of skills. Or something like that. So many people move around that it can be hard to get a proper reference from your last place of work if no one remembers you.

DP and I feel having a child is a far greater commitment than getting married (especially when so many marriages fail anyway) and we would not have gone into it had we not have been 100% committed to our relationship.

Marriage doesn't just offer protection in the event of separation. It offers significant protection in the event of one partner dying

Being 100% committed can't prevent the possibility of death, unfortunately