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Original poster

Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

270 replies

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:34

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

OP posts:
Original poster
carringtonm · 01/12/2017 23:03

For clarity, I'm giving up my career happily due to no longer enjoying it, and would be reluctant to get back into the same field anyway (I'm a teacher who has lost all faith in the education system).

The decision to become a SAHP is motivated partly by wanting a change from my career anyway, and also because I feel strongly that I don't want to miss our child's early years. I'm an early years teacher originally and it seems right to me to give my own child these experiences rather than other people's children. I completely appreciate that not working is a luxury that many parents do not have, and I am not suggesting that either choice is better or worse than the other.

DP earns more than me so financially (for our family) it makes sense for me to be the one to give up work.

Marriage is not particularly important to either of us which is why I was interested to see what other options there are first. DP is more keen to get married than I am but would like to have our family first. It's definite a conversation I'm open to having with him though.

Thanks to you all for your advice so far. I do want to go into this with my eyes open.

OP posts:
Poisongirl81 · 01/12/2017 23:03

Can I ask why you need to be married ?

Moanyoldcow · 01/12/2017 23:04

Sorry, another one saying I'd never give up work without being married, or have children to be honest.

You sound very sensible to consider everything, but I doubt there any many women in your position who think 'he's definitely going to fuck me over when I stop work' but this topic keeps the Relationship board alive.

kktpj · 01/12/2017 23:06

Get married

BarbarianMum · 01/12/2017 23:07

I don't think the OP sounds sensible at all. I think she sounds young, loved up and naive. Sorry OP but this has got the potential to go so horribly wrong and no one thinks it's going to happen to them until it does.

kaytee87 · 01/12/2017 23:08

Sorry, can I just say hahaha to this!!

if you love him enough to have a baby with him I’m sure you’ve got some idea of what kind of man he is and can judge for yourself.

Do you not think that everyone thinks that at some point? Marriage of course doesn't protect you from arseholes but it does give you legal protections you wouldn't have otherwise.

I mean really just go to a registry office and get married, you don't even have to tell anyone or make a fuss.

OrangeJulius · 01/12/2017 23:11

Get married. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to give yourself this legal protection.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 01/12/2017 23:12

Get married.

If any Next of kin decisions are needed to be made concerning either of you, the hospital won’t deal with a partner, they will look for your parents. If either of you die you won’t be entitled to bereavement allowance. Amongst other reasons already mentioned.

Common law husband/wife does not legally exist

If marriage really isn’t important to you, give the children your name.

NoSwsForYou · 01/12/2017 23:12

I'm not really in the position to have an opinion on your financial stuff OP, but I'm an early years teacher who has just quit to be at home with 18 month old DS and fuck me if it hasn't cleared up 90% of my MH issues that came on about a year ago! I don't have the savings you do and will have to find a part time job doing something by the end of Feb but I'm so looking forward to just being a mum in the mean time.

peachgreen · 01/12/2017 23:13

Get married. You only have to read the Relationships board for five minutes to find a thread that illustrates why you should never become a SAHP without being married. You say it's not important to you and on an emotional level that's fine but it is incredibly important practically. Just do it at a registry office and get the piece of paper, if that's all you want, but do it.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/12/2017 23:14

Please get married.

MrsDustyBusty · 01/12/2017 23:16

@MrsDustyBusty What do I need to consult a solicitor on? What to do with savings, or becoming a SAHP?

So they can explain just how vulnerable you and your child will be if something goes wrong in your relationship and help you plan for that possibility. Common law marriage is a myth. If your home is owned by him and he's paying the mortgage and upkeep you could be out on your ear. If he withholds money, your savings won't last long and you will have no financial recourse without setting up specific protections with the help of a solicitor.

If he wanted to, would you get married?

grobagsforever · 01/12/2017 23:19

Get married and continue to work at least part time so you're not stuffed if you break up or he dies. There is a 50 percent chance you will break up. For the love of God don't gamble your future on those odds.

SilverySurfer · 01/12/2017 23:24

How many unmarried SAHMs who believed their partner would do the right thing financially and every other way if they split then discovered that they turned into abusive jerks who screwed the woman over, emptying bank accounts, doing anything to avoid paying child maintenance etc? You are not even your DP's next of kin.

Having been out of employment for however many years the SAHM becomes financially reliant on the DP and I've read plenty of threads on here about their DP suddenly becoming financially controlling. If they split she has no chance of getting back into her career, so takes minimum wage job and lives in poverty with the child, lucky if the father even sees the child as he has most likely walked into another relationship with another woman and had a new baby.

That's why being married is best when you have a child. You are protected by law.

Obviously it's your choice and you firmly believe your DP would never do that to you. So did all those other women.

NeilPetark · 01/12/2017 23:25

Common law is a myth, don’t put yourself and your child in a vulnerable position.

Ellie56 · 01/12/2017 23:27

If you are giving up work you should get married. It gives you more legal rights and protection, in the event of anything going wrong.

The relationships board is full of vulnerable SAH women who thought everything in the garden was rosy, and and then found themselves in a mess when things went pear shaped. Get married even if you just grab a couple of witnesses off the street and whizz down to the registry office in your lunch hour.

echt · 01/12/2017 23:27

Get married.

If you don't already drive do so. Over the years I've seen so many threads, particularly when a marriage/partnership is in trouble, where the woman is stymied by not being driver.

Oh, and get married.

JaceLancs · 01/12/2017 23:29

I was married and still got screwed over
Took me nearly 10 years to get back to same career earning potential that I had before becoming a SAHM
Thankfully money isn’t everything - I have a fab relationship with my DC and survived being a lone parent

chocdog · 01/12/2017 23:29

You should get married.
Today you are in love and starting a family. After the babies come along you may not be quite so in love. Your partner may go off you. You may go off him. If you then split up and you are not married and not working you will be very poor. He will be well off with a good career ahead of him, but he can change his will and you will have no claim on his assets at all. This has happened to thousands of women who give up work and are not married. Don't be one of them.

farfallarocks · 01/12/2017 23:30

Personally I would never do this but I like the idea I can walk away at any time from dh. Been together 15 years because I want to not because I have to and the idea of being financially dependent on anyone brings me out in hives

Thirtyrock39 · 01/12/2017 23:32

As an ex teacher who became a sahm it's really hard when you do want to go back to work after a gap- I too was disillusioned with teaching and did t want to go back to that but even with a lot of voluntary work and what I thought were teansferrable skills it took me a really long time to get a good job and even that is nowhere near what I was earning as a teacher
I loved being a sahm but now my kids are older I do have some regrets about stepping off the career ladder and friends that kept teaching are financially and career potential wise in a different league truth be told there's no way I could support myself on my current salary and though I love my job this does play on my mind

juliej00ls · 01/12/2017 23:37

Teacher here who also would have given up if I could. On balance glad I didn’t . We’ve had done tough times with hubbys job and my wage was a life saver. Good luck

Myheartbelongsto · 02/12/2017 00:29

If you were a man asking this and mentioned the savings everyone here would be telling you what an arse you are. Would be hypocritical to not throw in your savings if your expecting to live off his wages.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/12/2017 00:43

Ok here are some reasons to get married

  1. At the moment you are not each other's next of kin. So neither of you have the right to make medical decisions for each other in the event that one of you cannot do so. Very important if you are about to have a baby.
  1. If he were to die you would be entitled to widows benefit. At the moment you wouldn't
  1. As everyone else has mentioned financial security. Wills mean nothing, they can easily be changed or simply torn up.
  1. You say he earns singnifigantly more than you but has much less savings. How has that come about? Financial issues are a major major cause of relationship breakdowns. Have you worked out a budget etc based solely on his income, including how much play money you each will have? I would do that now. It might tell you a lot.
  1. IMO it is the children who suffer most when there is a relationship breakdown between unmarried parents where one is a SAHP. Protect your child as much as you can.

In your shoes I would get married before I did anything to change my financial situation

Unfinishedkitchen · 02/12/2017 03:49

OP sounds quite young and idealistic to me. Her thinking is very short termist but she needs to learn from her own mistakes.

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