Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

Assuming you are not on your way to the registry office...

1. Is your house owned as joint tenants? Do you have payment protection/ critical illness/ life insurance for you both?
2. Pension - make sure you have your own private pension. As above, if unmarried you have no rights to DP's pension.
3. I don't know how wealthy you are (or will be) but note that if one of you dies the other may be liable for inheritance tax - even on the family home. Assets pass without inheritance tax between spouses.
4. Make sure you are named as beneficiary on any death in service/ pensions.
5. Keep some money in your own name.
6. Make sure child benefit is in your name.
7. Although your DP says all the right things about family money it is very different when it is reality. Start pooling money now if that is your intention and see how he reacts to your coffee/ shoes/ insert whatever vice habit.

Although I am married I decided to return to work part time. I have seen too many women left high and dry when their partner leaves (married or otherwise). They suddenly have to find a job after years of being at home - usually at a much lower level than pre kids. I feel safer knowing that if DH were to leave/ be made redundant/ die I could afford to put food on the table.

No
A specific claim for support for the children’s parent if circumstances necessitate

You seem to want your cake and eat it, you don't want to pool your savings but expect him to pool his earnings as you don't fancy working.

Marriage offers a little protection but not much more as spousal maintenance is getting rarer (as it should). Married or not, giving up financial independence is always a bad idea.

With only six months savings, you'd have little protection should things go south. Employers will want recent experience and a work ethic so your choice of jobs will be limited.

Agree with suzietwo about the impotance of being able to have that adult conversation.

When I split with EAexp my (d!)m blamed my career, she said if I'd not been working I'd have had to stay in the relationship. Yup, she was right about that! Because ex ws financially abusive I felt powerless to negotiate a fair settlement, but at least I had the means to get out and start again.

With my current dp (who I've been with happily for 25 years) I would not give up an ounce of independence until we had agreed and documented our respective positions. He promised to "look after me", and he has, but it's not enough to rely on a beautiful promise. Our discussions and documents may not have been legally watertight, but they showed a clear intention and more importantly were a route to being transparent about our finances, feelings and vulnerabilities.

To those questioning her DP's commitment to marriage, the OP has already said this: "DP is more keen to get married than I am but would like to have our family first. It's definite a conversation I'm open to having with him though."

Saying it is not actually committing to it at all.

Don’t give up work if you are not married. You will have no financial protection.
I am divorced. My children an I would have been left homeless if we weren’t married when we split up.

The main reason you should get married RIGHT NOW not after DC or a few years down the line is so that should you, heaven forbid, have a crisis during childbirth, he can make decisions.
After that - keep working, either part time or supply - what if he gets made redundant? Just to keep your hand in.
If you don't want to carry on in your current career then this would be a good time to retrain alongside working PT. At my DC's nursery there are a few part timers who are studying too.

It’s a rare person that’s at their best and fairest in the event of a split. Even marriage doesn’t completely compensate you for earning ability lost from time out the workplace, second streaming your career, reduced current and future earning potential. It merely makes sure that all assets accrued are fairly split.

My DP is averse to getting married after the breakdown of a previous relationship. Illogical to me but I knew and accepted it. When we had our first child, I went through some, though not all, of my savings on maternity leave. I now work part-time. There is no way I would give up work altogether because I know that if we were to separate, it would be imperative that I could work. It would have been difficult to get back into my career if I had taken several years out.

We are well-provided for in the event of his death, with life insurance, access to his pension fund etc, but I must admit I do worry about if we separated, particularly about my pension as I have contributed less while working part-time.

I'm all honesty, in your position I would prioritise marriage. I think I was a bit naive (and very keen to start a family) without really realising the long-term financial implications of us not being married. We have a good relationship but you never know what the future holds and with hindsight, I'm not sure I would have made the same decisions.

In all honesty

Do not give up your career unless you are married! I know no one thinks that their relationship will break down, but it does. What will be your plan if that happens? At least go part time so you can go back as necessary. Read the countless posts on here from unmarried SAHP and how financially screwed they are. How they can’t believe their sweet, loving exP is now being so unreasonable.

Why are you so opposed to marriage? You could spend a fortune drawing up agreements with solicitors or you could just go down to the registry office. If not for you, do it for your baby. Child maintenance is a pittance, and if you split up after being married, you can give your baby a better life.

I'm unmarried and not keen on getting married, but I would definitely not become a sahm without being married. You have so few rights otherwise.

I mean, I still wouldn't have a big wedding but I think I would have a quick registry office affair with a couple of witnesses and view it purely as a legal contract.

Plus you may have six months expenses savings which is a minimum recommendation that doesn't show your good with money it shows a minimum. I appreciate some have zero saved but I'm interested in how old you both are.

I'm married but I still have separate savings because even in the event of a divorce which was contemplated by myself at the beginning of the year I don't want in the event of a huge bust up a joint account drained.

A woman posted a couple of days ago about how she had discovered her DH was having an affair and draining the joint account before he had any clue was suggested by a few. I totally get why this was a suggestion as he was the villain of the piece and I think she was a SAHP.

In break ups sometimes there is a villain and sometimes there isn't but you have all that money jointly there is always a risk it will be ransacked.

If you want a joint account fine but always have an account of your own.

We are unmarried parents of two but I'm only comfortable with it because I am still.working nearly full time so have my own income, and I have the benefit of working in a law firm so I have had everything explained and tied up where possible for me. If I feel I am in a position where I am financially vulnerable in any way, we're getting ourselves straight down the registry office. Or if we get near the Inheritance Tax threshold.

I'm personally quite opposed to the traditional idea of marriage so I am happy as we are BUT that's only because I feel secure at the moment. There is no way I would be an unmarried SAHM. Morals and beliefs and all that are less important that security.

The marriage angle has been covered.

The other aspect is at home. Sit down together and discuss what being a SAHP means to you both.

In my house being a SAHP means I do everything child related during the day. Evenings, weekends and housework are split equally.

In my friend's house her being a SAHP means she does everything related to the children and the house because "he works".

Those two worlds are very different and you need to make sure you both have the same plans and expectations because 3am on a Friday night when you are desperately sleep deprived by your newborn is not the time to find out.

I’m sure you’ve got some idea of what kind of man he is and can judge for yourself.

Scarily naive.

1: get married.
2: get your name on his account and make sure that any of his savings are joint and the rest of his income from NOW (not when baby's born but now) is family money. Do not under any circumstances use any of your savings or add them to the family pot.
3: make sure you place money into your savings account each month (including from the family pot)

This will give you a decent Amount of savings and mean that he can't fuck you over because you should know 100% of the incoming sand outgoings of his account

AND GIVE THE BABY YOUR LAST NAME DO NOT PUT HIS!!!!!

I cannot stress that point enough

If you earn similar amounts, would it not make more sense to both work part time? Both for the tax benefits and for your future financial security.

Why in the world do all these women ask for advice when they don't really want to listen really?
Every other post is telling the OP to get married. And of course she isn't interested(only read about 20first posts and got frustrated so if you have changed your mind op, sorry for this rant).

Get married.

Move to joint finances, but put a large sum of money in savings under your name only - this is insurance in case of a split. How large a sum will depend on your circumstances. You might choose to put all the savings in your name.

Unless there are very pressing reasons not to, give the baby your family name rather than DP's.

Make sure the Child Benefit is in your name. If you earn to much to get in, claim it anyway because then your NI stamp will be paid for you, which has state pension implications.

Get married.

Whoever said you can claim carers Allowance is completely incorrect. In order to claim it the person your looking after has to be on a qualifying benefit. DLA/PIP/AA