Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

Definitely don’t do it without getting married. You don’t have to have a wedding. It is £50 for a simple registery office ceremony with two witnesses and no other guests.

I am considering being a SAHM but there is no way I would do it if we were not married.

I see you're going to talk to your DP about getting married. I think that is essential really. Others may have said this but a marriage doesn't have to be a wedding. You could go to a registry office, arrange two witnesses (MN is always a great source for these!) and just do the legal part. Nothing needs to change from the point of view of everyone else. Later you can have a "wedding" complete with friends, family and a party if you wish.

OP. When you say you don’t want to get married now, are you sure that is what both of you want? I have a suspicion it may be that your DP doesn’t want to get married.

If this is the case, it shows that the relationship is not equal and therefore you really mustn’t give up your job.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to be happy to live off his earnings while you are a SAHP as it’s ‘family money’ but not willing to pool some of your savings in for the same purpose

It's fair (necessary) because of the huge career hit a sahp takes. There's an astronomical difference in earning power and opportunity for someone who has been out of work or in part time work for a number of years.

Seriously, you're vulnerable even if you are married. My MIL went straight from living at home to living with her husband (my FIL). They had a really great relationship, he took care of everything, then in the twinkling of an eye he was killed in a car accident. My MIL was not as vulnerable as some, as she owns her house outright (although we found that only her husband's name was on the deeds and that needed sorting out legally) and had inherited money from her father, but she had no idea how to function without her husband and relied on her DSs for everything.

I'm saying this as a SAHM myself. It's safe for me as I have my own money and lived independently before I met my DH so I would be ok if things went wrong for us.

It's not just about relationships breaking down. What if your partner dies or becomes unwell and can't earn anymore? You need to know that you'll be able to survive on your own.

www.bbc.com/news/uk-42134722
'Cohabiting couples warned of 'common law marriage' myths'

Cohabiting vs marriage: Six ways your rights differ

<span class="italic">If one cohabiting partner dies without leaving a will, the surviving partner will not automatically inherit anything - unless the couple jointly own property. A married partner would inherit all or some of the estate</span>

<span class="italic">An unmarried partner who stays at home to care for children cannot make any claims in their own right for property, maintenance or pension-sharing</span>

<span class="italic">Cohabiting partners cannot access their partner's bank account if they die - whereas married couples may be allowed to withdraw the balance providing the amount is small</span>

<span class="italic">An unmarried couple can separate without going to court, but married couples need to go to a court and get divorced to end the marriage formally</span>

<span class="italic">Cohabiting couples are not legally obliged to support each other financially, but married partners have a legal duty to support each other</span>

<span class="italic">If you are the unmarried partner of a tenant, you have no rights to stay in the accommodation if you are asked to leave - but each married partner has the right to live in the "matrimonial home"</span>

Source: Citizens Advice

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Get married. It has nothing to do with romance or the ideal relationship, or family, or sailing off into the sunset. It is about protecting yourself legally.

Go to a registry office. Sign on the dotted line.

You can have a big party later if you wish.

If it's your DP who is opposed to a wedding, you need to dig and find out why.

Keep your savings separate no matter what. You are giving up a lot of potential earnings by deciding to be a sahp. Do not sink them into a house or a new bathroom or kitchen or anything else for joint use. If you wish, use them to get a(nother) qualification to set you up for a better job later.

When I got pregnant, DH and I were earning exactly the same (we are the same age and met at work so in the same profession).

I was a SAHM for 9 years (until the youngest of our three DC started school), then returned to work in a different role, and part time. His career has really taken off in this time, and he now earns much much more than me.

If we were to split up and we weren’t married, I would be massively worse off than him financially - even though we originally had the same earnings potential, and I was hardly sitting around on my arse for those 9 years while I raised our three children.

Luckily we are (happily) married, so if we did split up I would (hopefully) get financial compensation via the divorce settlement.

I knew all of this when I decided to be a SAHM by the way. It’s just the extent of the discrepancy between our salaries that I would never have predicted.

And YYY to everything Venusandmars said.

Hey OP I know you've heard it a lot now but just to add my voice to the crowd: it would be foolish not to get married in this situation.

You are about to make a huge financial sacrifice (giving up work) that will make you as an individual much worse off, to the great benefit of your husband as an individual (by taking on an unpaid very hard and time consuming job for the benefit of the family). If you ever break up and you're not married he will be taking that benefit with him and you will be taking the damage with you. Getting married protects you from this.

Just nip to the registry office and get it done. Big parties can come later.

20 years down the line here, if we werent married I would be getting a pretty shit pension. Check yours out. If its not going to improve, can you live off that, while your ex, twenty years on, swans around with a younger version of you on his big pension? Its annoying to even contemplate!!

To those questioning her DP's commitment to marriage, the OP has already said this: "DP is more keen to get married than I am but would like to have our family first. It's definite a conversation I'm open to having with him though."

A few years back I worked with a woman who had a baby with her live in partner of several years. He was a very high earner, they lived in his lovely flat, all was rosy.

When she was pregnant, he suggested they get married. She said let's wait until after the baby is born, I don't want to have a big belly in the photos.

Roll on one year. The reality of living with a baby was not to his liking. He ended relationship and ordered her to pack up and move out with baby at a moment's notice. Wouldn't even allow her to return to get the baby's cot. Had to stay with her mum or would have been on the streets.

He paid only £5 a month in child support as he got his employer to restructure his contract to class most of his income as performance related bonuses. This while living in a luxury flat, driving a £50k car and having several lavish holidays a year.

Now, if you asked her if she could go back in time would she now decide to get married before the baby was born, what do you think her answer would be?

Op, what's going to happen to your pension if you quit work?

Presumably as a teacher you have a relatively recent lgps/fs pension - if you stop working are you going to have enough to retire on?

My advice would be to get married and at least return to work part-time following your maternity leave.

I know teachers work hard and are under a lot of pressure, but your terms and conditions are very good in general (holidays, career scales, pensions etc.). Upthread there was mention of SAHMs having a property portfolio as an alternative to a career, but you need a certain amount of income to do this and / or be happy to live with a high element of risk. It's not unheard of for ex teachers to lose their confidence and end up as TAs a few years down the line on much worse terms and conditions. So, I would say go back. If you are thinking of having more children, you might want a career break after number two, but you will then have benefited from a second paid mat leave.

On savings, always have some money in your own account, whether married or not (and that applies to men equally).

Right
Couple of point from someone who knows

1. If you have children you have the ability to claim maintenance (and enhanced if income is over 156k) regardless of being married until the kids are 18
2. You can also claim for a carers allowance if you’ve given up work

The only difference if you’re married is that you have an income claim unrelated to the children BUT but but but BUT those claims are getting weaker and weaker and the court is less and less likely to make awards beyond a 3-5 year period. So the benefit of being married in relation to income claims is really limited to where you have no children OR the children have flown the nest. It is immaterial when you get married so long as the relationship is continuous

Also

1. The children have a claim for a house which will go back to the provider when 18...not ideal I appreciate but you won’t be thrown out on the street and anyway you can protect yourself (see below)

So really rather than getting married, get the house put in your name or joint names. Get savings into joint names. Get him to pay into a pension for you. Asking for these things, having an adult conversation about expectations and following through on that discussion is a far far better indication of longevity for the relationship than a crappy ring and nice party. If you can’t have the conversation go and find someone better.

Marriage IS however sensible where one party has substantially more assets, is likely to make money during the relationship which isn’t capable of being put into joint names or offset on savings. In that instance marriage is key to obtain fairness on divorce... but in those circumstances you’re very likely to be asked to enter a prenup...so....

Get married

Actually, I would take the full year mat leave, get pregnant again, go back, take mat leave as early as possible, go back for the shortest amount of time necessary to keep mat leave, quit, set up tutoring business
If you want career advice ;)

Like a PP mentioned - pensions get a bit overlooked. If you become a SAHP you need a private pension that your DH pays into

In very simple terms - once you become a SAHM and the only income the family has is what your DP earns, then anything this money gets is HIS. From cars and TVs to pensions and investments. You will have no right to anything in case of a break up, he can walk away with everything.

Don't deceide to be a stay at home parent until you know its for you. Some people absolutely love it. I loved being on maternity leave and wished I could give up work. Currently I am off for 3 years and I am extremely bored and depressed and lonely. I can't wait to get back to work but it seems so fat away.

I’m not sure what your reasons are for not wanting to marry yet, but I would agree with pp’s that it would be very unwise to give up your career without doing so. I love and trust my dh completely, he is a wonderful father and partner. I still would not have even considered giving up my independence without the security of marriage and that was many years ago, before I had seen the reality of several ‘wonderful’ husbands of close friends checking out of their marriages and becoming seemingly different people. Thank goodness they had the safety net that marriage provides.

I’m not saying for one minute that your partner, or indeed mine, would ever behave like this, but it’s certainly not a risk that I was willing to take. In the event of things not working out, you could lose everything while he goes on as before. The odds are completely against you. Would you be so reckless in any other area of your life?

I’m just retraining and returning to work after 10 years off. It’s bloody hard to get back into the workforce even with the full support of my dh. I can’t even imagine how tough it would be with pressing financial issues as a single mother with no support. Please don’t take the risk.

If you teach you will have to go back for 13 weeks full time otherwise they can demand you pay back a certain amount of your maternity pay.

Also, if marriage isn't that important to you just pop to the registry office so you have the bit of paper, stick it in a draw then it is there just in case you need it in the future. If (big if) things go tits up down the line and your relationship breaks down you won't be entitled to anything by law ( we don't have common law marriage in this country, building a life together means nothing in the courts unless you have the bit of paper)

You can also claim for a carers allowance if you’ve given up work

Carer's Allowance? The thing that you can only claim if the person you are claiming for gets certain benefits like PIP/DLA?

Oh and the pensions are definitely worth taking into account. My dh and have completely separate pensions. Mine has been much more expensive with no contributions from an employer, but the security in our old age has meant this is worth every penny to us. Is your dp willing or able to contribute to your pension while you are not working? You’ll have no claim on his so could be left in poverty in your later years. It’s an important issue and one that isn’t considered nearly enough.