Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

You and your partner sound like a loving couple who are going to make great parents. Get married if you want to and well done for leaving a profession that was making you unhappy. For what it's worth I was a sahp with my two and although it was financially tough I don't regret it for a moment. I feel we gave them the best, safest and stable start in life and I wouldn't have missed any of it for the world.

Be over cautious. Always think worse case scenario, as a woman you have to as you will be the one left holding the DC. There is a 50/50 chance of that. You have only been with your partner five years, that's absolutely nothing. Don't be naive. I would suggest in all seriousness to your partner you do want to get married and the reasons why as people have stated..his reaction will tell you all you need to know about the man he really is.
Bear in mind too, that childcare 24/7 can be extremely boring. I went back to work pt at 4 and 5 months, and I had a stressful public sector job too but it was preferable to being at home.

OP I was in your exact situation, we were together for 6 years before having DD. I gave up a 'career' much for the same reasons as you, I didn't enjoy it anymore & wanted the spend the time with DD. Luckily DD has a good income & it was enough to support us all. We had only a joint account & joint savings but we did decide to get married last year when DD was 3, purely because DH would receive a death in service benefit if (god forbid) anything happened to him which wouldn't of gone to me if we were unmarried, you do really have to look at the long game. Now DD's at school & I have a part time 'job' 2 days a week which allows me to still do all the school pick ups & drop off & activities that I wouldn't be able to if I was working full time and it means i don't struggle in the school holidays. No regrets at all but I do think the added security for you & DC is worth considering marriage, we were never fussed on it before didn't seem important but so glad we did now.

You can have a cohabitation agreement drawn up if you see a specialist family/divorce solicitor. You have very few rights as a cohabitee.

The next of kin thing is a bit of a red herring as there is no definition of NOK in law afaik. You can nominate anyone to be your NOK and it is not automatically in law your spouse or nearest blood relative although that's what happens in practice. Cohabiting partners can be NOK if the patient has stated so on admission forms. It's more of a problem where the patient is unconscious. NOK cards are available though.

I was very very anti marriage (fuck the patriarchy and all that). But it is what it is, it's currently the only real best legal protection you have over all sorts of things. If you're considering getting married anyway for Gods sake do it before becoming a sahp.
Fwiw, I am now married. Dh and I are boringly rock solid and equitable about money careers etc but by God the early yrs with a baby and toddler were very very tough. We had less money (I was sahp) and my role/identity completely shifted... It only takes a bit of bad luck for you to be placed in a really vulnerable position....just not worth it.

Thanks to everyone who has given worthwhile advice. I'll be having a conversation with DP about getting married today.

Picking up on what some other posters have said - wills and life insurance are in place. I have very good credit and my own credit cards (with no debt accrued), and I drive and own my own car.

Also, DP doesn't earn 'significantly' more than me. He has diminished savings compared to me because he recently bought a car, plus I was earning 10K more than him until he changed jobs at the start of this year. His financial management is not something I'm concerned about - we are both good with money.

Agree with nearly everyone else - GET MARRIED.

Also think very carefully about what you will do if/when you want to return to work if your circumstances change.

I loved being a SAHM for 12 years - we had no financial worries, everything was 'pooled', I was busy and active in the community & didn't miss'working', but DH went self employed (carefully planned) at the time of the Banking crisis and things changed massively, it was very difficult to get back into work at anything like the level I was at before. I am now working, a job that I love, but I have to accept that I earn over 50% LESS than when I gave up work - not even taking into account company car and other perks. .

I'm a teacher with 2 DC. Our family life has never run smoother than when I was on maternity leave. Everything taken care of domestically, DH earned more, I really considered if I could give up the job I didn't really like.

So so so so so glad I didn't! Because that domestic bliss was at the expense of my sense of self and enabled DH to become lazy, selfish and to check out of family life and being a good husband. When we split, I could go back to working full time straight away, and as I'd never stopped working, I was at the top of the pay scale and could earn enough to rent my own place, run a car, pay for childcare etc. It's bloody hard work working FT as a single parent but I'm grateful every day I never became a SAHM. Would it have been the best thing for the family, as is often trotted out on here? Sure! It was marvellous for everyone, and would have felt like it to me (because I didn't really like working) - but it wouldn't actually have been best at all.

Hope he gets it. Marriage can cost less than £500. You’ll no longer be “good with money” if after maternity work you quit work unless you’re married.

Even if married being a SAHP is a huge personal risk. Some women get good jobs after a career break, of course. Many don’t and are stuck in poor quality low paid work. Meanwhile their Hs’ careers and earnings often progress . In the event of a breakup the men still have their earning power and the women don’t, and often have poor pension provision too.

Just to add (sorry), getting married doesn't have to be the whole meringue in a church shebang, you can just nip off down to the registry office and get a couple of witnesses off the street, I believe (unless I've watched too many films which have got it wrong?) without any fuss at all. No need to tell anyone if you don't want to.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Get married.

Failing that see solicitor about replicating the protection it gives you as best possible.

Keep savings for now, if something comes up you jointly want to spend on then discuss it.

Another one to say get married.

Apart from all the good advice already about not having any financial rights if you don't which is the main reason, there's another reason as well -

You need to think about how having a baby will change your relationship. You'll go from being the reasonably care free, loved up individuals you are now to probably sleep deprived snappy, slightly resentful parents to a newborn.

Obviously there are exceptions but having a newborn really tested my relationship with dh and most people I know were the same. In that difficult 18 mo or so would I have wanted to declare my ever lasting love to this man in a wedding ceremony, no way. But obviously I'm glad we're married and we're through that now.

I think if you don't do it now you'll end up leaving it quite a few years and all that while you'll be unprotected. Do it now quietly and you can always have a "wedding" a few years down the line if that's what bothers you.

Getting married doesn't have to be a big affair - if you want you can nip down to the registry office without telling a soul, or keep it to a casual afternoon potluck... But you were concerned enough to make a will, even though you both sound young and healthy, this is a similar risk prevention strategy.

Get married. If you don't you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, particularly with things like pensions, mortgages, etc. If you don't want to work while your baby is little consider using some time to think about retraining to get yourself back on the career ladder in the future. I've seen too many friends in their 40s with grownup kids, no career, and ex who's run off with a colleague. They wonder what the hell went wrong, and they have no means or inclination to support themselves. I met my DP online and he said that there were tonnes of women in that position who were just looking for someone to take care of them.

Short answer is - never rely on a significant other for your income.

Do not pool your savings.

I gave up work became a sahm and was not married. A few years later the relationship went wrong and I was left with 2 kids, no income etc

And it was absolutely fine....i got 100% of the house. I had a year or two of not having much money but it was totally worth it to spend those few years with my children at home.

Maybe some people think it made me a poor little 'financially vulnerable' women but actually i am a strong independent and extremely capable woman and i can cope easily with any situation life throws at me. Within a few years i was working at a senior level with a better income than any of my friends who had not taken a break.

Do what feels right for you now and think about but don't get too hung up on all the ifs buts and maybes that could happen. Contrary to most people's ideas you can actually build a career at any time of life but you will never get this time with your kids again.

If you are determined not to marry, keep your Savings separate. People change, as evidenced on here again and again. You can use your Saving when big expenses come up, instead of going 50/50. I was a SAHM for many years. My OH was a spender, I was a saver. He paid for all the bills, but I paid for holidays, house repairs and car replacement. I just felt that I kept my independence and a bit of control this way.

I was just coming on to say exactly that genever . If it’s not a big deal emotionally then viewing it as the (partial) safety net that it is should be considered seriously.

Get married. So sick of numpties on here thinking they are the one woman in the history of the world who will not get screwed of the relationships takes a turn in 20 years, or 15 years.

You need some legal rights - legal rights help people keep committed. Relationships are never easy. Also your partner would never ever ever give up all of his financial power without some legal right to share in your income. Men are sensible.

Why did you get 100% of the house basecamp: had you paid for it all, or did your ex agree to this voluntarily? Who pays the mortgage?

I was in the same position as you - and was determined not to get married! However we did when DS was 3 as for all sorts of reasons was easier - including financial & to ensure DH got custody of DS if I died - rather than my mother! The 'wedding' took a week to sort and cost £70 and most of my family don't know 22 years later!

Don’t do it. Seriously. Every other week here, there’s a post from a woman who’s struggling to get back into the workforce after being a SAHM. It’s honestly not worth it!

I agree that getting married gives you some legal protection, but there's much more to it than that. You should plan for equality: financial equality, domestic equality, and career potential equality.

On financial equality that means that you both have the same access to 'family' money, and you both have the same amount to spend/save each month. But the money for spending or saving should only come after you (jointly) have made payments into a pension fund for you - one which keeps your pension growing at the same rate as his. If that is not affordable you need legal advice and agreement about his pension. You might also have a bigger pot of savings to cover any 'lag' if you needed to return to work but couldn't get a job immediately.

Domestic equality means that even if you are SAHP you both share responsibility for chores, paperwork, decision making. That doesn't have to be the exact same time or tasks but something that is explicitly agreed and fair. If either of you want to do less than the fair agreement you should pay for external help from your savings.

Career development equality means that over the years you each have opportunites to progress or change. You might want to retrain, he might want to reduce his hours etc.

The most important thing in all of this is that the two of you can sit down and talk about it, realistically, honestly and without resorting to comforting platitudes. How many people have felt falsely reassured by thier partner saying "of course I'd never leave you/kids without money" or "of course I'd go back to work if you were stressed and wanted to change career".

Invest in having that conversation about equality every year (as situations and circumstances change), maybe being supported by an external adviser as you do it. If all is well, and continues well then great :)

Get married.

I've seen so many people get screwed over by partners who appeared committed and sensible, then fucked off leaving them with the children and no guaranteed means of income.

In one case, a friend's partner died young in an accident and she was left pregnant, with a toddler and no protection. She wasn't his next of kin, she had no job and didn't even get widows benefit from the government. The only saving grace were his parents who stepped in and helped her keep a roof over head.

Please protect yourself and your children.