Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

[carringtonm]

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

I would get married. It doesn't have to be a fancy wedding. You two and a couple of witnesses. You don't have to tell anyone. Then if you decide you want to do it "properly" in the future you can have a renewal or blessing with the fancy dress, bridesmaids, etc. No one else needs to now about it. You don't have to wear rings or change your name but you will have the legal protection it offers.

I disagree with marriage on principal and have since I was a child. It is an archaic institution designed to transfer ownership of a woman from one man to another. I have been married for six years

I’m (happily) married and really wish I hadn’t stepped off the career ladder. Thankfully DH is still the man I thought he was (“his” money is our money, supports me getting back to work, etc etc) but my best friend had a very similar marriage and last year her DH just suddenly turned around and ended it. If they hadn’t been married she would have been left totally unprotected - we live in the States which is different to the U.K. (and she had to move back to Iceland) but she desperately needed that spousal maintenance to help move her and her daughters home and to get herself back on her feet and into work, having been out of it for 2.5years.

I’ve had two many friends be fucked over recently by the breadwinning partner (not all women by men FWIW) to not be glad that should it suddenly go to shit I would be protected at least a little - although I also strongly advocate for not becoming financially dependent on another person

What everyone else said. Just go down to the registry office and do it if you don’t feel it’s the right time for the white dress and jazz band.

I don't even believe in marriage, OP, but I agree, you need to get married for any number of reasons if you want to be a SAHP.

Please at least work part time. Lost count of the number of male work colleagues over the years who proudly state when they have a baby their partner is going to be a Sahm. Mainly to prove they’re so great that they are the alpha male and can subgle handedlt provide. Fast forward a few years - lots of complaining of the pressure they feel as they would be ducker if they lost their job, how dw is spending all their money, can’t afford to go on nice hols like work colleagues, wife does nothing, only cares about the kids (and newly acquired dog). Often said man then starts screwing a graduate as they are “interesting, don’t make them pay for everything, and take care of themselves”. Wife inevitably finds out either turns blind eye or ends up leaving forced into shit job cos she hasn’t worked for 10 years. Obviously this isn’t the case for all sahm and no doubt you’re thinking you’ve got one of the good ones but I’ve seen it so many times in my career. Make sure you have financial independence, no one starts out thinking it’s all going to go tits up in the future. Protect yourself, your child and your relationship.

yup, get married, and consider carrying on part time until you find an alternative career. You’re burned out from teaching, you want to spend time with your dc, but don’t rush headlong into SAHP when you could work pt and plan an alternative career. Babies aren’t an end, and it is so dangerous to SAH when not married.

Having your first baby is all consuming and a dream - I do understand, I quit for a year, gave up a mgr position and it took me 7 years to get back to that level after having my first dc.

Get married!!!!!

At the very least, NBU to keep your savings, but you should instead focus on how you are going to maintain some earning potential.

Definitely keep your savings for you as a cushion in case something happens. Even if you stay together forever, you will still need the money if he becomes ill or dies.

Plenty of dads say they won’t screw the mother of their children over only to go off with another woman and completely cut them off financially.

You are putting your and your child’s financial future at serious risk if you don’t protect yourself. Definitely get your dp to write a will. But wills can be changed.

I really would marry. The amount of women, who come on here with stories of financial abandonment is heartbreaking.

Sorry. Another one saying get married. Not engaged, married. ASAP.

Get married! Honestly, you’d be very stupid not to. Spend any time at all on here and you’ll see what can happen to SAHP who aren’t married, in the case of relationship breakdown.

I really can’t understand why you don’t want to.

Do not pool your savings. Pool the same amount each and keep the remainder separate.

Do not give up your job after maternity if you are not married.

Also you may hate not having a job.

If he is happy for you to give up your career, he (& you) should be happy to go to the registry office and sign a certificate.

Don't be a bloody idiot.

Get married. My ex was lovely and all 'I'd never do anything to hurt you. I'd never leave you high and dry.'

Ha! He made us homeless.

Three accounts: one each and one joint.
I had joint with DH when I was a SAHP and he used to moan about bank account. I knew I was scrimping and couldn't cut down any more bought one outfit a year for myself. When I retrained I opened a bank account and when earning I could buy that little luxury item without him moaning. Perhaps you could do a little 1:1 tutoring for this reason. He has paid mortgage and bills I bought food and children's clothes. Initially just children's clothes as I only had child benefit. We never argued about money after that. I thought you might be a teacher. I work in Education and lots are leaving. Many of our young teachers have gone back as job shares which has worked well for some. Enjoy your baby! I loved being home with our children. I had to go to work with last one and my only girl but I was part time so not too bad.

We arrange our finances in exactly th same way as you OP. I'm a sahp. Have been since my second child was born 2 years ago. And we're not married. We've been together 10 years and we have a joint mortgage. We have some joint savings and I have some in my name. Keep upon savings in your name and add to it over the next few months so you have an insurance policy.

Marriage is not particularly important to either of us which is why I was interested to see what other options there are first.
I hope you're getting the message about why marriage should be important to you. It's like having an insurance policy on your relationship. You'll leave yourself exposed to financial problems if you don't and things don't work out. I'd definitely do the registry office now, just get it done and signed and plan a party to celebrate another time.

It's handy to have a credit card in your own name. Having established a line of credit and a good credit rating may be useful down the line. If you don't already have one, get one now because you aren't likely to qualify when you aren't earning. I have been a SAHP for many years and keep my credit card, even though I don't particularly need it just now.

I find it odd that the credit card company takes no interest in my current financial situation. All they cared about was that I was employed and had no black marks against me when I first took the card out. Since then they just keep bumping my credit limit up.

OP, no disrespect to anyone on here but there is an unusually high proportion of women who have been left high and dry by exs and they are obviously over-cautious.

What I would say to you is that in the vast majority of cases, being a SAHM is absolutely fine. Most women I know are SAHMs (i.e. friends, neighbours and most of the mum's at the DC's school) and I know of only one divorce. However, to make it work you do need to -

a) have totally joint finances
b) both have a will
c) be married (I get that you probably don't want to do this now when you're pregnant, but just do it in the next couple of years).
d) have a husband partner who earns well enough for life not to be stressful

That's it really. You are probably planning to have more DC at a later date? Being a SAHM does not have to be precarious at all. If you want to go back to work after 10 or 15 years, there is nothing stopping you. Anyone can retrain or go into a new venture that may be more suited to their lifestyle. I know loads of long-term SAHMs who now have property portfolios, or who have retrained as fitness /yoga teachers, SEN or 11 plus tutors, play therapists interior designers - all sorts of businesses and they love it. Your life won't end over giving up one job! Your partner sounds very supportive. Don't get into this "my" money, "his" money thing - what is the point when you are bringing a new life into the world? Enjoy your baby and don't worry.

Definitely get married!

No advice, but I gave up work when I had DC1 and it was the best thing I ever did. Best of luck and I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

FWIW DP and I aren’t married, but we’re also not in the U.K. so isn’t anywhere near as important here. We didn’t make any other arrangements or preparations, but we had already put all of our finances into joint accounts and the vast bulk of our net worth is in our farm (jointly owned) anyway.

Also, what Zadig said sounds very sensible. Don’t get too worried about it.

Apart from all the reasons given already, this is my experience -
Get married -
when dd was born, several things went horribly wrong and DH had to make some pretty life saving decisions for dd and I. As we are married, he is my default NoK. Not my mum who lives 250 miles away.

Stay at work, at least a bit, at least part time, at least for now -
I found that I was bored to tears by the end of my first mat leave. I had loads of friends, loads of support, DH was great and baby DS was great, healthy and slept well. I wanted for nothing, but the reality of 24/7 childcare ground me down and bored me to tears. I craved the intellectual stimulation, camaraderie and sense of achievement that work gave me. I practically ran back to work after a year. The thing is, I didn’t feel like this until DS was a few months old. We were in a position where I could have stopped work. You don’t have to confirm to your employer what you plans for returning to work (or otherwise) are until your baby is about 7 or 8 months old. Why not wait until then?

• DH was made redundant when DD was 4 weeks old. Not a great situation with a just-3 year old and a baby. Although we jointly had savings of around 6 months income, and I was paid 90% salary for 4 months, the peace of mind of knowing I could go back to work was very comforting. In the end I didn’t have to, but that security was immense.

Get married, protect yourself and your child as much as legally possible! As others have said, common law marriage is a myth! www.lawdonut.co.uk/personal/divorce-and-family-law/cohabitation-and-common-law-marriage

If marriage is something you want I agree with pp that you might as well do it sooner rather than later given that you intend to give up work.

Personally, I don't want to be married, have a DP of many years and 2 children. I work part-time and would never never have stopped (married or otherwise). I could fully support my children and myself financially if I had to.

We have a deed of trust to cover 50/50 ownership of the house. Looks like you have a joint mortgage So assume you hold the property as joint tenants. Be aware that you are also liable for the mortgage. Make sure you have insurance in place to cover the mortgage if something happens to you or him or if he becomes ill.

If you really dont want to get married right now, make sure you have wills, powers of attorney and/or a living will/advanced directive to deal with medical matters and giving you power to deal with his finances if something happens to him and he is incapable of making any decisions.

Check the position re his pension and if possible make sure you are registered as his partner with his pension company and that you are the named recipient for any lump sum on death.

I've been a SAHM for 4 years now. We're not married, having been together for 10 years and engaged for 5! 🤔

But after reading these replies.. I think a nip down to the registry office may not be such a bad idea...