The working mums on school night out

[TimothyTaylor]

I went to our school festive drinks thing last night. A large portion of the evening was spent with a group of mums (who all work outside of the home) trying to "boost my confidence" and "help with my cv" and "help me to explore my power" (wtf). They seemed on a mission to get me back into work. I am a sahm through choice. I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break etc (just a joke) but am very happy in my role at home for now. They made me feel a bit sad and pathetic, as if I was only at home because I had no self-belief or confidence to go back to work. I said firmly but nicely on a couple of occasions that I wasn't working through choice and was happy to do that - but even that elicited "of course but in a couple of years when you're ready you must blah blah blah". Then I got the old "I admire you for sacrificing so much for your kids - being at home all day would do me in". Somehow that always feels like a jibe.

Anyway, it just left me feeling a bit irritated that there's a sense of sahms all being mad jealous of working mums and that we're only at home because we can't get a job!

Maybe they were just pissed. I know no harm was meant...

Joking that you want a job for a break makes you sound clueless or a bit of a bitch.

What nonsense, one of the joys of working for me is time to read my kindle on the train, have hot coffee and adult conversation and return to my beloveds in the evening fully excited about seeing them again. Nobody is suggesting that working mums sit around all day drinking coffee- of course not, and some jobs are more demanding than others, but the truth of the matter is it IS a break from the kids. It's not a break in the sense of putting your feet up and watching Greys Anatomy, but it's something different from looking after the family.

OP, do you feel they genuinely may have picked up on your comment, or were they just sticking their oar in? If the later, then that must have been excruciating to sit through and really quite patronising of them. It grates when women judge each other's choices in this regard- when freely made, there is no right or wrong choice!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't....

I think you need to be so careful of what you say - on both sides SAHM/FT so many comments can easily be taken as a jibe, often without intent. I'm sure some things you say are taken as a jibe by FTMs too. I think its best just to take everything with a pinch of salt. Everyone likes to both defend and moan about their lifestyle so try not to take things personally (not easy I know).

and being a good role model to my kids

Whereas SAHMs are shit role models. 🙄

Don't go on a night out with these mums again? Maybe?

I bet those working mums have read the threads of women like you who didn't work , enabled their DP's to have great careers, then DH upped and left and left them with no career or means of supporting themselves so they really are just looking out for you.

You aren't looking out for yourself, really. Just don't put all your eggs in one financial basket that isn't yours. I mean that in the kindest way.

Agh, I now see you've never actually made that comment in front of them. How bizarre. Sounds like they are well meaning meddlers! Or perhaps secretly a bit jealous that you get to stay at home and raise your kids?

If you value the friendships then I'd move past it this time, but if it happens again I think you need to be firm and say 'Please stop trying to cajole me into 'getting a job'. I already have a job, and it is to stay at home with my family and look after them. Please do not offend my career choice by raising this again'. That should shut 'em up!

Also, I was wondering how old your kids are? If they are a bit older, then maybe the others are looking at you and wondering if you might be missing out on career opportunities. The only thing I find a bit of a shame for working mums is when the kids are all in school and after-school clubs, and the mum wants to get back on the career ladder, but life has moved on, qualifications are stale, IT is a mystery, and so on. And it's 99% of the time the women who are failed by this system. Sometimes a little bit of part time work as the kids are older can keep options open for what happens once they are teenagers and you want to get out of the house again! They were maybe coming at is from this angle?

Why would anybody spend a night out wondering what someone else did all day??

Are they in educated jobs though? all well and good having a slightly messier home and no time to play with your children but if it's just to answer phones or serve customers then clearly these women and not as empowered as they seem to think. I have friends with PHD's, and they go back to work part time because they want to bring up their children and not let the child minder do it. You can't have it all no matter what anyone thinks or says.

I work full time in The City. Pressurised job etc. I've also been a SAHM.
I think working is definitely easier, I struggled with the identity of being a SAHM during the two years in which I did it.
But just because I think it is, doesn't mean everyone agrees. Some people enjoy working within the home more than in paid employment and vice versa. To each his own and all that.

That said, if the working women in your circle work through choice rather than necessity, then they might assume that everyone would work given the choice and the only reason you're not working is because you can't find a job/lost confidence etc. Which you don't dispel, especially since you mention getting a job. It does sound like they are just trying to help and at the very least it sounds like is coming from a good place, even if inadvertently it sounds a bit patronising.

I've said this before, I don't think the issue is working mum v stay at home mum, rather it is having the choice to work/stay at home vs not having the choice (childcare more than salary= have to stay at home or would prefer to be at home but have to work out of financial need) which is the underlying issue.

I didn't say to any of these women that I wanted a job. In my OP I said "I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break" but I didn't mean I have said that to anyone at school. I may have said it privately at home as a joke.

Ah ok. In that case they were just being dicks. Ignore them!

Personally, having being a SAHM for a bit, I just can’t comprehend how someone can be happy in that position. (Not a position I would express in RL to someone I handly know. But I certainly don’t envy SAHP)

Maybe they are like me.

Or maybe you are just living in different worlds and they collided. They assumed you would be ‘like them’ (really keen and happy to work). You assume that being a SAHM was normal and shouldn’t be questioned.

If you feel bad spending time with them, stop doing it.

Ok, here's a rough transcript:

We had just been talking about our university days....

Other mum (who I had never spoken to before): and do you work?
Me: no, I'm at home at the moment
Other mum: why?? You have a degree from X and you're not using it?
Me: Well, I'm pretty busy with the children right now, I have a baby.
Other mum: oh, I didn't know you have a baby - but still, you're a well-educated woman, we are desperate in my industry to get women back to work - you have so much potential.

I swear that is what she said. The potential thing. We had never met before so it's a bit of a leap but anyway...

Me: Ah well, one day maybe, I'm happy to do this for now.

Other mums join in: I meet women every day who have no confidence after being at home with children and I read their cvs - I could do the same for you.
Me: that's very kind - I might take you up on that one day but I'm not planning a return to work for a long time yet.

Another mum: you have so much power as a woman (she'd had a lot of champagne) and it's so important to give that to society. My workplace is so male - we need bright women.

Me: ah well, one day, seems like forever when they're little doesn't it. (Glancing around room now for an exit).

Original mum: god I don't know how you do it, sacrifice everything for them.

That's a pretty good recall of what happened although it went on for bloody ages.

I'm not bitter or dwelling on it really. I just hate to think people think I'm a bit pathetic or unable to get a job!

Ah well, seasons greeting all. No harm done.

I didn’t say Samh are shit role models but Sahm don’t demonstrate employment or career
Other working women do that, they are role model to kids that women work

We tell our kids Stick in st school, study,get job,that’s good role modelling and it’s a function working mums enact

spot the obvious mistake...
I meant "The only thing I find a bit of a shame for stay at home mums is when the kids are all in school...."

but Sahm don’t demonstrate employment or career

You realise that's not all there is to being a good role model don't you?

I've been told several times that I'm wasting my education being a SAHM. I didn't use my education any more in my career than I do looking after my children though.

So you've got a baby? Might have been wise to share that at the beginning.

Op from that transcript they’ve been kind,complimentary and encouraging
I’m struggling to see the issue,with women being so positive to you
But I’d not dwell on it,it was a social do.i Doubt they meant any offence

if it's just to answer phones or serve customers then clearly these women and not as empowered as they seem to think.

Or they are the backbone of our economy...FFS

I read the OP comment about needing a break to mean a break from the kids, not that working full time is easy.

You realise that's not all there is to being a good role model don't you?

Indeed, there's more to life than having a career. My biggest female role model is my grandmother but not because she had to get a job, unlike her peers, as my grandfather was ill but because she was so incredibly kind and patient. She had a very full life full of friendship and happiness.

Hmmm, I think they are trying to be empowering. To be honest, I think it is a bit of a shame if you have a stellar degree in an area that is male-dominated and it doesn't get utilised, but it is your choice. They were maybe just trying to stress-test the 'free choice' element of it, to make sure it was what you rally wanted.
It can't have been easy to hear, presumably because it hit a bit of a nerve with you?

I was a SAHM, as my DH job was demanding and involved lots of travelling. When the youngest was 10 I started working part-time and if I could do things differently I would have thought more about training and achieving qualifications whilst I was at home, in order to get back to work.
My daughters are all professionals and I see now, although I wanted them to “have it all”, it is very hard in demanding jobs and juggling childcare.
However I feel that it will pay off for them when the children are more self sufficient.
Enjoy being aSAHM but also think of your future.

Answering queries on phone,,dealing with income generating customers that’s core business and people skill.and generates income and ni that fund schools,hospitals. So in fact yes answering the phone and service industry are backbone of economy

Are working mums the minority at your school? Maybe they just feel a bit insecure and feel the need to compensate.