The working mums on school night out

[TimothyTaylor]

I went to our school festive drinks thing last night. A large portion of the evening was spent with a group of mums (who all work outside of the home) trying to "boost my confidence" and "help with my cv" and "help me to explore my power" (wtf). They seemed on a mission to get me back into work. I am a sahm through choice. I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break etc (just a joke) but am very happy in my role at home for now. They made me feel a bit sad and pathetic, as if I was only at home because I had no self-belief or confidence to go back to work. I said firmly but nicely on a couple of occasions that I wasn't working through choice and was happy to do that - but even that elicited "of course but in a couple of years when you're ready you must blah blah blah". Then I got the old "I admire you for sacrificing so much for your kids - being at home all day would do me in". Somehow that always feels like a jibe.

Anyway, it just left me feeling a bit irritated that there's a sense of sahms all being mad jealous of working mums and that we're only at home because we can't get a job!

Maybe they were just pissed. I know no harm was meant...

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

What nonsense that ones doesn’t know other parents employment or sahp
It’s incomprehensible that you can be acquainted with someone by a school association and not know if they work or sahp or study
Social chit chat has a common theme- what have you been doing?what you up to?The most neutral chat is and how has your week/day been...what have you been up to?
So yea people know. They’ll know by absence and presence at school gate or School events

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

I couldn’t do it. Not because I don’t want to (I would love to give up work and be at home with DD) and not because we can’t afford it but simply because I have a chronic pain condition and I know that putting my daughter in nursery is what’s best for her. I definitely don’t look down on sahm’s or view them as wonder women because they stay at home

[Parisa78]

Lipstick at my DCs school, I would say it's 90% mums there at 3.30pm, 10% nannies and about 1 regular dad. So why would you go up to someone and ask what they do? Unless they decide to tell you, it wouldn't occur to most people to ask.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Parisa,so you already know the employment/sahp status of the parents at school
You’ve just cited the %. And that’s my point people know.so don't need to ask
Folk on this thread are claiming not to know.frankly I don’t think that’s plausible

[TimothyTaylor]

It’s incomprehensible that you can be acquainted with someone by a school association and not know if they work or sahp or study

Rubbish. I see plenty of people at the school gate with whom my only chat would be "cold isn't it?" "Are you going to the fair on Saturday?" "Is little X feeling better?" "I like your hat" etc etc I would rarely have time for "How's your week been, what have you spent your days doing???"

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

If you know each other well enough to socialise past the point of school drop offs and pick ups (Like the OP) then you'll know who works etc.

[TimothyTaylor]

Stop saying other people's experiences are "incomprehensible" and not "plausible". Nobody has any reason to make this stuff up.

Several of the women I spoke to last night I knew purely by sight - I had never spoken to them. Why is that hard to believe? That out of a year group of 60 I wouldn't know each and every parent on a deeply personal level?? Presumably they are not at school much if they work full-time so why would I know them? Equally they wouldn't know me so wouldn't know if I was at work or hanging out at the school gate everyday.

[TimothyTaylor]

It was a whole year group thing!!! Everyone invited. Come and mingle etc It wasn't a cosy soirée wit my closest friends.

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

Ok... I assumed you were friendly with them. I do think they were out of order to be honest. If they are are a gets they have no idea how happy or not you are with your situation. It was wrong of them to presume.

[Parisa78]

I have 3 DC and I've been going on similar nights out for many years, been a class rep etc and we just never talk about this kind of thing. I think it's presumed that if you're there at the gates 3.30 on a regular basis, you're not working. I'm sure some people might be managing properties part-time, or doing courses or something, but there just isn't a division between WOHMs and SAHMs at all. I think that only exists on MN. What is a WOHM anyway - someone who sits in a dead office all day and sends the odd email in between typing MN posts, a nurse in A&E, or a super-corporate type? Similarly, a SAHM could be a "lady who lunches" or a woman with four under 5s or DC with additional needs day in day out. The distinctions don't really make sense.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I see it’s ok for you to retort rubbush to my posts.but i have to tippytoe around your posts
Aye,sure thing
Kettle.pot.meet mr black

[StealthPolarBear]

Aha a woman vs sahm thread. Excellent.

[Spudlet]

Just seeing whether someone is at the school gates is not enough to tell you whether they work. I’m self employed so I’ll be mostly able to collect DS - DH is employed but has great flexibility and works from home frequently so will also be available.

They sound cringey op, and if the tables were turned (as others have said) and you and other SAHMs had been picking on a lone working Mum, nobody would be saying that was ok...

[FaFoutis]

I drop off and collect my children every day but I work full time. You can't tell from this.
I think the women at the festive drinks sound very nice, I can't see what your problem is. But then I am neither or both SAH & WOH so no axe.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Jesus peace, the ridiculous over-analysis of "what someone meant" that this subject brings up is an embarrassment to womankind.


Nobody gives a shit if you're a WOHP or a SAHP....Seriously...Nobody.

Can nobody own their choices these days instead of feeling slighted and put out at every nuanced question????

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Look mn only has 5 core posts
My dp is a twat
My mil is a twat
Working mums/Sahm
Breastfeeding/bottle feeding
Feeding a family of 5 for a week on one chicken,competitive stinginess

[FaFoutis]

Also competitive undereating/overeating

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Ah yes,the what have you eaten today threads
Yes,the kids had an organic berry smoothie, black bean stew and fresh fruit
I had quinoa, lean goat with rice and mandarin segments

[FaFoutis]

I'm so disgusting I ate my all my children's selection boxes (AIBU?) and washed them down with five pints of cream.

[Strokethefurrywall]

FFS, mumsnet seems to have turned from a genuine place of support to a place where women (on the whole) can collectively tear each other apart for every little thing. It's become a parody of itself.

Honestly, people seem to start AIBU threads just for something to say, it's like the chatroom version of friggin instagram.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

That’s the point of mn.start a thread,join a thread for summat to say..
It’s not deep quiet introspection and reflection a solitary moment
It’s put something out there,and others respond.simple as that

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

Everyone is so overinvested in other women's life choices. It should matter to anyone whether a stranger works or doesn't, whether she breastfeeds or doesn't.

[FaFoutis]

There is still plenty of support on MN. I don't think the OP here needs any.

[PermanentlyExhausted]

Wow!

First of all, OP, I thought you were being a little touchy but then I read your update about how you'd never joked about wanting a job with these particular parents, and decided that perhaps they were being a little patronising.

Then I read your 'transcript' of what was said and came to the conclusion that you sound a little deranged! They sound as though they were lovely and complimentary, both about your potential future career and about your current choices.

There's no pleasing some people.