The working mums on school night out

[TimothyTaylor]

I went to our school festive drinks thing last night. A large portion of the evening was spent with a group of mums (who all work outside of the home) trying to "boost my confidence" and "help with my cv" and "help me to explore my power" (wtf). They seemed on a mission to get me back into work. I am a sahm through choice. I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break etc (just a joke) but am very happy in my role at home for now. They made me feel a bit sad and pathetic, as if I was only at home because I had no self-belief or confidence to go back to work. I said firmly but nicely on a couple of occasions that I wasn't working through choice and was happy to do that - but even that elicited "of course but in a couple of years when you're ready you must blah blah blah". Then I got the old "I admire you for sacrificing so much for your kids - being at home all day would do me in". Somehow that always feels like a jibe.

Anyway, it just left me feeling a bit irritated that there's a sense of sahms all being mad jealous of working mums and that we're only at home because we can't get a job!

Maybe they were just pissed. I know no harm was meant...

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

Enjoy being aSAHM but also think of your future.

This is very patronising.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Ok then,enjoy being a sahm don’t think of your future. That’s mighty patrionising
No don’t think of future,don’t fuss your pretty lil head.dont think about monies
Let the man do that,he can think about the future for you

[onlyconnectfour]

There is no comparison with being a SAHM and a working mum. Working is far harder, end of. They have to do all the usual household gubbins and work.

And I say that as a SAHM of quite a few.
Being at home with small people can be boring, repetitive etc but it is NOT on a par with rushing out of the house at 8 am, doing a full days work and picking up your children at the fag end of the day to get home to a cold house and start the house working.

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

You're suggesting a SAHM hasn't thought of her future and doesn't have a plan in place for what she wants to do. Believe it or not we don't need working women to tell us how we should think.

[CardinalCat]

I have to say I agree with Lipstick. if you look at the Relationships board, a large chunk of the threads on there are women who have been royally shafted by a cheating spouse, who leaves for the OW and the ex wife gets to keep the family home, but the children are nearly grown up, and WTF is she going to do with the rest of her life now? It's a sad but familiar tale (NOT that I am saying that this will be the OP's fate!) If a woman has never been particularly ambitious, then that's her prerogative, but to have a gone to the trouble of getting a great degree and a job in an industry where you can make a difference, and then not to want to keep in with it, even when your kids are older, seems like quite an about-turn and dare I say it, a waste.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break etc (just a joke)

Every WOHM I know (including me) jokes that she goes to work for a break! It's perfectly established humour and I can't imagine it being taken as a dig by anyone except the incurably humourless.

OP it sounds like they misread you a bit. I wouldn't take offence, or dwell on it for another minute. Also, they may be assuaging internal guilt about working by making it their business (boom-boom) to ensure that you too return to the workforce. For some parents, a SAHP is an uncomfortable reminder that it can be possible to survive as a family with only one parent in work. Note I said the word 'May' a lot. I have no idea what they're thinking in RL.

I hope the night out was, generally, fun!

[CardinalCat]

onlyconnect lots of working mums have nannies and cleaners so that they don't also nee dot be dong packed lunches, laundry and other crap. You are right however in that there are two roles, rather than one!

[Cornettoninja]

Are they in educated jobs though? all well and good having a slightly messier home and no time to play with your children but if it's just to answer phones or serve customers then clearly these women and not as empowered as they seem to think

WTveryF?

Congrats on winning at womaning and everything but maybe that pedestal is a bit high? I think you might have a touch of altitude sickness.

[fishonabicycle]

Getting a job for a break is just taking the piss to be fair. Most women I know who work and have children would really like to be able to choose not to work. Most of us don't have a choice. It's shit trying to do both.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Most women I know (self included) know chose to work,and that’s active choice.its not shit at all

[notangelinajolie]

They sound jealous to me. Laughing at them for thinking you are sacrificing yourself for you children. You are a mum - what mum wouldn't want to be look after their own children? They are they are the ones who have made the sacrifice. The world has gone mad!

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

do men sacrifice precious moments or is it only women who make that sacrifice

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

I think my husband is making a sacrifice by going to work. He doesn't have as much time with our children as he'd like.

[Aweektilltheseason]

Good post Magic!

[rookiemere]

Sounds like there wasn't enough wine being drunk.

On our mums nights out we generally discuss the teachers and any scandal going on in the school. At this time of year we'd probably moan about certain relatives over Christmas or other festive related matters.

It would be a dark day before we started wittering on about somebody else's home life choices, because really who does that sort of thing on a night out ?

[megletthesecond]

Agree with dolly. Are you sure they aren't trying to drag you into a dodgy MLM like Forever Living bollocks?

[splendide]

So one of them knows which university you attended but not whether you work or not? The chat in your group sounds weird.

[TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole]

Joking that you want a job for a break makes you sound clueless or a bit of a bitch.

I don't think it does at all. Indeed I couldn't wait to get back to work after having the kids. My job was a lot less stressful than being home a lot. And I was looking forward to being able to take my time having a piss and just sitting drinking a cuppa while it was actually hot. I know not all jobs are like that, but it was definitely a break to get back to work for me.

[Parisa78]

I agree with pps that I would have no idea whatsoever what mum's at my DC's school do between the hours of drop off and pick up. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've been asked if I work in the last 12 years. I would say the vast majority are SAHMs though, so maybe that's why.
In that situation, I would just change the subject. In my case, I don't work because there is no need. In our marriage I do the kids and DH has been able to make a lot of money. So the only reason for me to return to work would be if I had a burning desire to do so or some kind of vocation - which I don't. I would certainly not be returning to a corporate environment or whatever to "find my power." Yet, I wouldn't really say that in real life because it sounds arrogant.
As for who works hardest - well it depends on the job, your personality, how many DC you have and so many other factors that the question is irrelevant.
Just take no notice OP - they probably presumed you would be interested, that's all.

[ChocolateWombat]

Isn't all this more of an indication of the way mum's feel about themselves And the way they think others perceive them, than what those others actually think?

Working mums think the SAHMs are judging them and trying to get them to stay at home, whilst the SAHMs think the working mums are judging them. Everyone seems sensitive and to read judgement and criticism into their interactions.

In the end, we make choices....yes, some people don't have a huge amount of choice, but we have to live the lives we have and make the best of them and know we can be good parents. Don't we all just need to have confidence that we can be good parents in our given circumstances, rather than having this niggling self doubt which allows us to hear criticism and judgement when it often isn't even there....and on the odd occasion when it might actually be there, to simply have self belief in our own lives and abilities, rather than being brought down by the thoughts or perceived thoughts of others?

OP, I don't know if you really experienced what you describe or if some of it was in your mind, but just enjoy your choices.

[BelleandBeast]

I do find more often than not, SAHMs who can afford to stay at home not very supportive of those of us who have to work.

I am starting up my own business and was chatting to a such a mum recently as need to get some feedback, bit of market research, her thoughts etc about what I'm doing, support if you like and you'd think I'd asked her to join a swinging site by the reaction I got. It was all so beneath her, she doesn't need to work, hubbie earns so much.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

I just always wanted to have the capacity to be financially viable as a single person and not have to rely on anyone at all in case it went wrong. DSis has just been widowed and is currently in exactly the position some women who have taken themselves out of the workplace for a long time find themselves.

[DoJo]

When I was sahm I was bored out of my skull. Only meeting other mums and babies - how I longed just to talk to someone about what was on the tv or world affairs.

Are you seriously claiming that you never met another mother who is interested in world affairs? Or even one who watches TV?!

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

Apparently SAHMs only regain their capacity to discuss politics when they're back in the office!

[Danceswithwarthogs]

I'd take it as a compliment, you're obviously very employable with your degree.

Some people can only see the world from their own situation and perhaps can't really believe that you are content as you are.

Do an elsa, be happy and don't give it another thought ☺