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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The working mums on school night out

259 replies

TimothyTaylor · 01/12/2017 10:16

I went to our school festive drinks thing last night. A large portion of the evening was spent with a group of mums (who all work outside of the home) trying to "boost my confidence" and "help with my cv" and "help me to explore my power" (wtf). They seemed on a mission to get me back into work. I am a sahm through choice. I sometimes joke about getting a job for a break etc (just a joke) but am very happy in my role at home for now. They made me feel a bit sad and pathetic, as if I was only at home because I had no self-belief or confidence to go back to work. I said firmly but nicely on a couple of occasions that I wasn't working through choice and was happy to do that - but even that elicited "of course but in a couple of years when you're ready you must blah blah blah". Then I got the old "I admire you for sacrificing so much for your kids - being at home all day would do me in". Somehow that always feels like a jibe.

Anyway, it just left me feeling a bit irritated that there's a sense of sahms all being mad jealous of working mums and that we're only at home because we can't get a job!

Maybe they were just pissed. I know no harm was meant...

OP posts:
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 18:03

I think deranged it uncalled for. Even with a transcript it's hard to tell exactly how the situation went down.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 18:48

Really?we are social animals,intrinsically invested in our choices & other folks too
and we benchmark against others, to confirm and validate what we chose
That’s the point of mn.strangers chewing the fat. You get a refreshing candidness
A candidness you’d not get from friends and/or family.not sugar coated

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/12/2017 19:03

I think maybe you just got the short straw with the people you ended up talking to- by year 4 I'd worked out who to avoid/ not to turn up late for a sit-down meal (because you get stuck on the end next to the mum who spends all evening moaning about minor things and sucks all the joy out of life) / who not to share a taxi home with when they are pissed (cos they tell you all their darkest secrets and then blank you forever after).

UmmKultum · 01/12/2017 19:09

I work full timd and I often joke that I'm going to work for a break...
We don't need to take ourselves too serioisly!

milliemolliemou · 01/12/2017 19:28

OP Just chill. Laugh it off.

I don't think any parent working (except for the truly silly or stupidly rich) don't envy SAHPs being at home with their children. Especially those who have to have wrap around child care because they're working silly hours, or those boxing and coxing with shift patterns with their other halves because they can't afford childcare, can't rely on relatives and still have to meet the rent.

However as ever there are parents who are not gifted at parenting and find the process difficult and confusing and work seems a way out. Or they haven't thought ahead and find it hard to downsize to one salary and they still need to be in the same area because one of them is still earning. This may just be a big city problem.

It's been ever thus.

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 19:34

Millie I think you have forgotten a few groups: the mum who's working because dad left her/died and she has to make ends meet, the mum who loves her kids but who loves her job too (I don't think it's accurate to say they aren't gifted at parenting, if I had had a truly amazing career I'd have probably found it harder to drop than chartered accountancy!) And so on...

Jubejube1 · 01/12/2017 22:23

I would wonder what you do all day genuinely

Acadia · 01/12/2017 22:39

When I was a SAHM working mums were fucking vile.

They were literally the only bad thing about it, the judgemental sneering hags.

I remember my favourite encounter. I was in my nice coat and scarf and she scuttled over, introduced herself as a Head of Department at the high school. I wondered what on earth the problem was, I'd never seen her before in my life, but she goes on to say she's the parent of some other kids in my daughter's nursery.

"So what do you do?" she coos, hoping I'm a Middle Class Wanker like her.

I tell her I'm a SAHM now, but in future I will... but she's already interrupted me with a look of horror on her face.

"Oh," she gasps, like I've just said someone's died, "Oh dear. Oh. Was that, um, was it your choice?"

No I had a gun held to my head, you daft bint.

She then goes on with the "Well, I'D get bored," and "See, I NEED intellectual stimulation" and thus I do not tell her I was weeks away from returning to full time work in precisely the sort of intellectual fields she'd have probably gotten all excited over.

NataliaOsipova · 01/12/2017 22:47

Everyone is so overinvested in other women's life choices.

Aren't they just? Why does anyone give a crap what anyone else does, given that everyone's situation is unique to them in some way and you are uniquely qualified to judge the best thing to do in your own? Why does anyone care what anyone else does or doesn't do all day?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 22:52

we are social animals,intrinsically invested in our choices & other folks too
and we benchmark against others, to confirm and validate what we chose
That’s the point of mn.strangers chewing the fat. You get a refreshing candidness
A candidness you’d not get from friends and/or family.not sugar coated

Littlechocola · 01/12/2017 22:54

From your transcript I’d guess that they were being friendly.
I’ve done both. Like bits of both. Both hard in different ways.

Lellikelly26 · 01/12/2017 22:55

Though it might be irritating it may be an idea to think about getting back into work or a new career for when the kids get older. I worked in a role where I came across lots of divorcees and I can tell you that no one thanks you for giving up yourself for your family. In fact you get abused for having done so. I would try to remember that you are an individual and that the kids grow up and rightly have their own lives

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 22:59

I would wonder what you do all day genuinely

Um, what do you think the people you presumably pay to look after your own children do all day? The OP has a baby, she can't leave it rolling around the floor for 8 hours.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 23:00

judgemental sneering hags. In my experience thats the sahm with nippy little comments
All doing the head tilt And say such inanities as such a pity you have to work
No it’s not a pity,it’s great.i chose it,I’m not financially compelled to.i want to work

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 23:02
Xmas Hmm
irishe · 01/12/2017 23:03

Jesus Millie, I am neither truly silly or stupidly rich. I love both my children and my job. I have no intention of giving up either! And I don't secretly envy SAHP's.

Honestly this old bun fight is always the same, women making sweeping generalisations which are usually patronising about other women's choices.

I respect parents choices to stay at home, it will work out for some, not for others. Likewise working, will be great for some, intellectually stimulating, rewarding, good money and for others a grinding necessity to pay the bills.

Wohps and SAHP'S are not standardised! The differences are massive within each group.

I am interested in the structural reasons decisions are more likely to be made, rather than the personal.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 23:06

I see you didn’t do Xmas Hmm when Acadia said When I was a SAHM working mums were fucking vile.They were literally the only bad thing about it, the judgemental sneering hags

Just for me then...

.

CharisMama · 01/12/2017 23:07

I can't be the only mum who has a group of mum friends from their dc's school and we're a mix of sahm and working and we don't needle each other. We all know that we need to make different decisions and our circumstances are different. We are a mixture of working and sahm and mature student and we find each other great company.

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 23:11

To be fair she deserved one too. I thought her comment was about these women in particular not all working mothers. I don't like the sweeping statements.
I fully respect working mums and their decision to go to work. Id just like the same in return. The comments aimed at SAHMs are so patronising (although I realise the shit mum attacks can't be much fun either)

blueshoes · 01/12/2017 23:12

People have always been tearing into each other on mn and supporting each other.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 23:13

I was trying to make a point,and see if the language Acadia used got picked up on
I don’t actually think folk are sneering judgemental hags
Just seeing the comparison of a sahm saying it,and me working mum saying it

CharisMama · 01/12/2017 23:14

Acadia that was funny. I like your writing style Grin

Working hasn't made me any more interesting. I am so exhausted when I get home that I'm glad I don't have a relationship to maintain. My job now is challenging but that terrifies me. Two jobs ago, I was so bored I was nearly rocking and swaying and dribbling. After ten years out of the workplace people are living in a fantasy land if they think you can just step straight in to a job that challenges you.... In one way that's a luxury and it wasn't one that I was afforded after being out of the work place, and yes, I was driven mad with people asking me if I didn't want to use my brain. The most challenging thing about my first job post kids was looking busy when I wasn't.

Find your power makes people cringe but I never have any trouble filling my day when I'm not working and I kind of used to feel a bit sorry for people who said ''what do you do all day to me?'' when I wasn't working because I used to think they were only robots leading somebody else's life. I know I could be accused of the same now but if I weren't working there would be several personal projects I'd be enjoying.

Thingvellir · 01/12/2017 23:16

'the judgemental sneering hags'

Well isn't that lovely?

The WOHM vs SAHM threads on MN are something else. As a pp said above what matters is that you have choice and you do what you chose. Being forced to stay at home, or forced to work is equally shit. Choosing to do the one you want is brilliant.

Having read the OPs transcript, I think the other mums were being nice and supportive, showing OP she has options if she wants them, but OP is being prickly.

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 23:19

Didn't she say she's a working mum too these days?

I wonder if one of the problems is that the bitchy comments made to working mums all involve criticizing their parenting skills which is clearly not ok whereas the comments made to SAHM are all fake concern when really I doubt a stranger gives a damn about my husband running off with the weathergirl and stealing all the money

MistressDeeCee · 02/12/2017 01:18

Bunch of bores. Don't they know how to relax and socialise on a night out, what's with the work talk?I had a friend similar, always lecturing the SAHMs in our friendship group in waspishness fashion. It's because 3 months after birth her DH was absolutely insistent she return to work. He had a very senior position with National Rail but was all about money and "show". I remember how she wasn't listened to, and how utterly miserable she was. I've known her longest, so other friends didn't know about this.

Anyway OP don't worry about it. You bring a SAHM is none of their business. You don't need anything from them, they're not your friends so just ignore. They're bring nosey and silly

She's the only one I know in real life who gives a fuck whether a mum is working or not, come to think.of it